From The Archives: December 29, 2007

Divorce . . . 70's style

I am making preparations to fly to Washington state for a final visit with my sister, who has cancer. She has at most a month or two left. It would be sad no matter what, but particularly so for a 41 year old mother. To say our relationship is complicated would be understating the situation by a lot. My oldest daughter, B, is actually my sister's child that my husband and I raised (a story for another day). B, my stepsister, T, and I are going together to see my sister, as we did this summer. My sister's situation has me reflecting upon my childhood, and in particular how my sisters and I were split apart.

My stepsister, T, and I were close as children, and we are very close today. But, there is a period of about 25 years (yes, we're old!) when we had very little contact. How did that happen? I'm going to have to say it was divorce . . . 70's style. My mom and stepdad and  T's mom and stepdad divorced at the same time, when we (T, her sister D, my sister, L, and myself) were in our early teens. Apparently it didn't occur to the adults involved that they were not just divorcing, they were causing the divorce of four girls who had spent their childhoods together. Four girls who giggled under the covers way past lights out, shared the hatch of a Datsun 240z on car trips (no seatbelts!), camped together, wore matching Halloween costumes, fought over doing the dishes, had snowball fights and sledded at our grandparents/ stepgrandparents cabin, waterskiied at the Colorado river, and were just generally SISTERS. Once the parents separated, we girls were never even offered the opportunity to see each other.

I don't know if it's by chance or luck, but our circle of friends has not been touched by divorce (yet?) Most of our friends, and our kid's friend's parents, are around the 20 years married mark. So I don't know firsthand how families are handling divorce these days. But I would expect that today's parents are a lot more enlightened about considering the psyches of their children. I certainly hope so. Divorce is never painless, but I'm sure it works out better if the adults involved consider all the ramifications it will have on the children involved, even if the children are not related by blood. Looking back, I'm not sure why all of us girls just blindly accepted our situation. Again, I'm going to blame it on the 70's--you did what your parents said and you didn't ask a lot of questions. I'm sure my children would be voicing their opinions clearly loudly! And thank goodness for that.

Losing someone close to you really causes you to reflect on, and analyze, your life. I'm generally not given to a whole lot of introspection, but if feels good to have gotten these thoughts on paper blogosphere.

Comments

[Smalltown Mom]

That's sad that you and your stepsisters were separated by divorce. My ex-stepmother and I stayed in contact after she and my father divorced. They had no children together, but she and I always got along well and I was happy that she considered me a friend.

[david]

Divorce is never easy on anyone. If there was a silver lining for me in my parents divorce it was the fact that I grew up in one hell o f a hurry. I became the"man" of the house at 11 years of age, living with my MOm and sister.

[Suzy]

My parents had 5 marriages between them and I've never seen any of the steps since. It was not a problem because they were either after my Dad's money or angry at my mother. No one was missed.

My sister and I are currently not speaking and she knows I've had surgery and still has not apologized for past behavior. I'm pretty sure I was raised by wolves.

All that being said, may your sister find light on the other side and my condolences to your family.

[amy]

Best of luck with your visit. I am sorry for your situation with respect to your sister. I can't imagine how hard this must be.

With respect to divorce, I can't imagine how difficult that must be too.

[Tootsie Farklepants]

I'm so sorry about your sister.

You're also lucky that divorce doesn't seem to be hitting your circle of friends. We've got a couple around here recently and it's jarring.

[ma14zda]

c965t

[Stacie]

It's inspiring to be surrounded by people with strong marriages! :) I've already been through the divorce of one of my closest peers, and it was really a terrible experience. (I cannot imagine what would have happened had they had kids...)

I hope that the visit goes well as possible. I am sorry for your impending loss. My prayers are with your family and your sister, that you all find peace.

[Cheri]

Jenn~

I'm sorry for what you've gone through with your sister. How fortunate that you have such a great family and friends to see you through, not to mention that positive spirit of yours.

[JCK]

It was the first generation really of divorce and they did it badly. I'm a product, too. My parents divorced when I was 15. I'm sad for those 4 little girls.

[Angie]

My brother and his ex are divorced 2-1/2 years now. They handle it pretty well, I think. I think the biggest advantage is that none of our extended family would ever bad-mouth his ex (to the kids). We genuinely are interested in her life and how the she is doing and what she and the kids ahave been up to. I think it helps them feel more comfortable at family gatherings to know there are NO hard feeling or bitterness and they can relax if she comes up in conversation. Nothing will ever change that she is their mother.

My sister-in-law is a product of divorce and her sister is divorced. It is so messy. For years she couldn't even talk to her dad without a major guilt trip from her mom (her dad had cheated lots). He was still her dad. Her dad recently died of cancer and she was so sad she didnt know him better although, she did choose to ignore the guilt trips for a while and develop an adult relationship with him. Her sister's divorce is uglier. If my sister in law EVER talks to her sister's ex (and they are friends with him) her family doesn't talk to her for MONTHS. It is so sad. And you know who suffers? The poor child that is the product of that divorce. AND my nephews that don't get to see their grandma for months because she has some chip on her shoulder about a divorce in which she wasn't even involved.

No one wins in divorce. I am reading Beautiful Boy now (thanks again) and I see it again.

KEEP BELIEVING

[Hilary]

I'm sorry for your difficulties. Sending best thoughts your way.

[Deb]

I'm very sorry about your sister.

I know this was from the archives, so I want to read everything from then to when I first started reading you (March).

[debbie]

I wish you luck on the trip to see your sister...saying "good-bye" to someone is so hard...you're lucky you get the chance. Will be thinking of you.

Divorce is such a strange thing to do to families...I have had father, 2 step-fathers, mother, 2 step-mothers (add grandparents into that equation too, just for fun!!), 2 half-brothers (but, I can honestly tell you that this is only once in a handful of times that I have actually written that...they are my brothers) and 2 half-sisters...throw in a few step-bros/sisters just to make it interesting.
When I was younger, I used to pray for one family...the stress was almost too much.
I'm glad you "found" your step-sister again...family, no matter how you got them, is still family. I now consider myself incredibly lucky to be surrounded by so many people who love me.
And you...are lucky too.

[Jennifer H]

My heart goes out to you and to your sister.

I'm not certain that parents today give much more thought to the ramifications of divorce, but I do think there are more resources and more information these days for the children of divorced parents, and that is a good thing.

Sending good thoughts...

[Kristen]

I am so sorry about your sister.
I am glad that you were able to ressurect your relationship with your stepsister, sounds like it must have been extremely difficult for all of you.

[phd in yogurtry]

Twenty-five years of separation from your step sisters, how sad. How did you reunite? I hope you've been able to reconnect and repair the drift.

I'm sorry about your sister, too. 41 is so young. My thoughts are with her children, especially. But for all of you struggling with this loss.

[phd in yogurtry]

Twenty-five years of separation from your step sisters, how sad. How did you reunite? I hope you've been able to reconnect and repair the drift.

I'm sorry about your sister, too. 41 is so young. I hope the visit allowed all of you to connect and find some peace.