Book Review: The Curse of the Good Girl

 

I am a parenting book devotee from the word "go." I can't think of a single parenting book I've read that wasn't helpful in some way--and I've read a lot of books. Some of my favorite reads, though, are gender-focused.

Michael Gurian's books on raising boys provided me tremendous insights and Mary Pipher's seminal work Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls has been a touchstone for me.

I jumped at the chance to read and review Rachel Simmon's new book The Curse of the Good Girl. The world today is a complicated place to navigate and anything I can learn that can help me teach my children how to traverse the tricky shores of growing into happy, confident, contributing adults is welcome. I need all the help I can get!

This book was full of Aha! moments for me. I have a daughter who is a sophomore in high school, so the descriptions of the various ways adolescent girls communicate and handle confrontation assured me that Rachel Simmons knows the girls of today intimately. Learning the psychology and sociology behind what I see and hear daily was fascinating.

Since the editorial review on Amazon summarizes the book better than I ever could, I will leave the summary to them and share my personal connections with the text.

Grownup Girl and I talked about many, many things over the course of our four-day drive to Chicago last week. This book was one of our topics. I was relating the author's description of the various ways conflicts are handled by girls that are not in touch with their true selves and have never been allowed or taught to express themselves honestly. In short, the way girls whose entire lives are predicated on their own, and others, visions of themselves as "GOOD," deflect and manipulate rather than honestly confront and communicate.

We discussed that Social Butterfly is frequently labeled "mean," in social situations because she doesn't play the game the way many of her friends do when it comes to a girl turning on the tears or fishing for compliments. She herself doesn't play the crying game or the fishing game and she doesn't have much patience for it. One of the reasons for her popularity is that other kids are drawn to her honesty and self-reliance.

GuG said, "I think that one thing you can say for certain about all four of us is that we believe in ourselves more than we believe in other people. Not that we don't care what others think--it's just that when it comes down to it, we'll do what we know is right and we won't feel bad or guilty about it."

For that moment I felt like a really good parent--because it is true. My children all have very strong self-images, in very positive ways. I think a huge part of this is the parenting books I read that made me think about what values I wanted to instill and how to go about doing that. Even though their strong self-identities sometimes make me we want to tear my hair right out of my head, I know it is for the best.

This book is at the top of my list of books I'd recommend for anyone raising daughters and even further, for any woman who wants to engage in some self-examination and reflection. Not only will reading this help you understand your daughter, you will glean some insights about yourself--and that is always a step in the right direction.

Comments

[phd in yogurtry]

Timely. My daughters and a few of their friends are a complicated mix of BFF and WTF.

Adding this book to my list. Thanks Jenn.

[apathy lounge]

After growing up with my mother (who came of age in 1950), I've come to loathe the term "good girl". To her way of thinking it meant willfully stupid, naive, virginal and unthreatening to men. It meant worrying more about what others thought (even when they were wrong) than worrying what you thought about yourself.

So complicated. So worth this wonderful post. Thank you. Even though I don't have daughters. Thank you.

[Smalltown Mom]

Great compliment for your parenting from Grownup Girl!

My growing up concept of being a good girl was doing what all the old folks around me thought was acceptable. Whooops--by some miracle I found my own mind and path in life.

[Kalynne Pudner]

I'm in for reading it, too. But I'd like to think that the term "good girl" can be reclaimed at face value; it bothers me that it's assumed to be a code word for oppression or repression, while "bad girl" is a badge of pride.

[Janet]

I think for many moments you can feel like a good parent. One of my biggest issues is low self esteem...all my life...and I hate it.

[kcinnova]

As a "good girl" myself, it was all about not rocking the boat. I still don't like to rock the boat (I really dislike confrontation) but as Kalynne says above, I'd like to see the name redeemed and reclaimed at face value. I suspect your girls are truly good girls, in the best meaning of the word.
And you are most definitely a GOOD MOM!! :)

PS to Janet: I hear you and I know exactly how you feel. And you ROCK, girl!!

[jenrantsraves]

Oh gosh! I think I better start reading some books, because I definitely want to instill a strong self image in my kid. So far, so good, but he's only 2 1/2. I'm guessing it will get a bit harder?!

[MJ]

Would you recommend it to a mom of boys? I ask because I have been perplexed by the ins and outs of most girls' way of thinking and interracting, as a kid I was always friends with boys, a teenager always friends with boys, and as an adult I have one or two girl friends who can be just as blunt and straight forward as me so it works. I'm at a loss for trying to help my boys understand when a fifth grade girl tells them they aren't their friend anymore and has forgotten all about it the next day. I hate to just say girls are like that, but really, I don't have much more to offer!

[busy bee suz]

This books sounds wonderful. But it brings to mind, that my 16 yr old has very low self esteem and we can't figure out WHY or HOW to fix this. It is baffling for me because I felt like I did everything right from day one.

[Jenn @ Juggling Life]

I would recommend "Queen Bees and Wannabees" by Rosalind Wiseman for what
you're looking for.
Jenn

On Tue, Sep 8, 2009 at 4:48 AM, wrote:

[blognut]

Thanks for the reminder!

[MissM]

I know what is going onto my Amazon wish list...

[tysdaddy]

I was this on the shelf at B&N this past weekend and almost picked it up. My daughter was with me, and we had a nice chat about the subject matter. Thanks for the review . . .

[magpie]

thanks for this post - the book sounds like one i need in my arsenal.

[Brightside-Susan]

I learend a lot from The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, M.D. I sent copies t all the moms in my life.

[Yo is Me]

ohmygosh. i'm going to get all of Michael Gurian's books.

[Darci]

New to the blog..over from the Women's Colony. I have a Social Butterfly, who is a junior in HS as well as a GuG who is a freshman at college, 3,000 miles from her home. After reading this posting, I just have to say, where have you been all of my life - I kindred soul. Thanks for the book review.

[imom]

What GuG said to you gave me goosebumps! Really that is what being a parent is all about, helping guide your child to be confident and to feel good about themselves.

This book is going on my must read list! Thanks for sharing.

[jenn]

Sounds great - I'm going to order a copy now. I have daughters in 4th and 7th grades, so we're just beginning to navigate these waters.