Eating Disorder Chronicles: Eating with an Anorexic

A meal with an anorexic is likely not a pleasant experience for either you or the anorexic. They are terrified  of food. After a few days, I'm picking up the lingo. There are "safe" foods. There are "challenge" or "fear" foods. In the program, an anorexic that doesn't clean his/her plate has to Boost, which is to drink an Ensure-like supplement. Boosting regularly will get you a higher level of care.

Social Butterfly's program is 9-3 six days a week, except for Wednesday which is also family therapy from 3-4:30. SB will also see an individual therapist once a week and will be followed by a psychiatrist. They also have a schoolteacher.

Back to my beginning: A meal with an anorexic is likely not a pleasant experience for either you or the anorexic. They are terrified  of food. I am lucky, SB is doing so well in the program eating a variety of foods that I am able to stick with the safer foods. I have left the potato chips and doughnuts to the professionals and I've stuck to a lot of chicken and brown rice, beans, corn tortillas and avocado. She has always loved avocados and they are a healthy source of the fat she needs in her diet. She doesn't love avocados anymore, but she is eating them.

The terror.

Imagine how you would feel if a spider was right in front of you and you couldn't away from it. Really picture what it would look like, what it would feel like (stomach churning?) and how your heart would pound. Imgagine the anxiety building and building unabated until it was terror.

That (from what I can see) is what an anorexic feels like about their food. Treatment means confronting this five to six times a day with three meals and two or more snacks. And the calories! In order to gain weight anorexics need to eat more calories than it would take you or I to gain the same amount of weight, so it's a lot of food. When they say they are stuffed, they are right. I am putting on weight just from eating with her! The nutritionist says that's common.

But we do it, she and I, every day we confront the terror--and guess what? She is getting better already. While the beginning of the week the meals required cajoling, negotiating and threatening--as well as a preternatural calm that is not my default setting--on my end, the last two nights have been pleasant. She's not thrilled to eat the food, but she doesn't have a choice--not if she wants to get better, and she does want to get better.

We have had a great first week, with progress made already. I had not even realized how much her "light" had dimmed until she laughed with abandon tonight and I realize I haven't heard that in too long.

Also? I learned a cool thing in Dialectical Behavior Therapy--it's called "Wise Mind" and I think I'll post about it tomorrow.

 

Comments

[Christina]

I meant to tell you in the previous post that I agree with you that the photo of SB with her brother is where she looks the most FABULOUS! Healthy, but gosh, still gorgeously slim and fit.

As always, hugs to you both. I adore you for sharing everything. I have always lived by the motto of sharing too so that we can learn from each other and what you are putting out there is so critical. There are people reading it who may not now know they need to hear it, but who will remember it later. Thanks to both of you for putting this out there.

HUGS

[Melinda]

Jenn - did you mean to use SB's name in this post? Checking just in case....
Melinda

[Jenn @ Juggling Life]

No! Thank you, Ive edited it. Im pretty exhausted, but I do need to keep writing--it really helps.

Jenn

[Jan]

This is such a gift. Thank you and your daughter for your candor. You are in my prayers.

[lanes]

Whoops - her name is still in there. (I thought the same thing as soon as I read it.) That's what happens when we are exhausted!

I am so happy that SB is getting better, and that she is still willing to let you share this process. What a strong, strong girl she is.

[cocobean]

I just need to say thank you for sharing this. You will help so many - mothers and daughters. (and fathers and brothers...)

[gary rith]

whoa, terrified?

[Julie]

yeah for laughter and progress . and thanks once again for sharing

[Cassi Renee]

I am glad to hear that there is already some improvement.

So, do the foods she used to like, such as avacado, not taste the same to her now? Have her favorite tastes lost the power of pleasure?

[Little Miss Sunshine State]

If you are willing to gain weight to help her, she must know that you are REALLY there for her.
I have learned so much from you this week. Thanks to SB for letting you share and help all of us.

[Green Girl In Wisconsin]

I never ever would have thought of this. I'm learning so much from your posts.

[Busy Bee Suz]

This "terror" moment really set it in for me. I had no idea that is how she (and others) felt towards eating.
And perhaps I am as naive as they come...I didn't realize she was in treatment 6 days a week. For some reason, I thought it was a one day deal on the weekend with maintenance/help at home the rest of the time.
So glad her light is coming back on...she is a fantastic young lady!

[Arli]

Thanks for the enlightenment about anorexia. I guess I really had no clue whatsoever, but the spider analogy helped to explain (as well as all your other posts). Thinking about SB every day, and am glad to read that she's already making progress!
ps: Her name is still in the post.

[The Other Laura]

Jenn, thank you so much for sharing your family's story. In such a short time I have already learned that a lot of what I thought I knew about eating disorders is just plain wrong.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

[Jenrantsraves]

I think you are both amazing. So glad that things are going well so far.

[magpie]

((hugs))

[bethany]

thank you so very much for sharing this, both of you. bravery for sure. appreciate it, learning from it, and will be much more aware now about watching for signs in my kids and others. so very glad there's improvement already!

[Karen (formerly kcinnova)]

"a preternatural calm that is not my default setting" -- this made me smile because I think this might soon be your default setting! How wonderful for SB to have a calm and patient mom (willing to gain weight!) during this treatment process.
I, too, did not realize it was an all-day program. It makes sense: this is an urgent need!
So glad to know there is progress being made already. Go, Team!!

[Mandy]

As a recovered anorexic, this is a particularly apt description of what it is like to learn to eat again -- to learn to eat foods with fat grams and calories in them again.

The hardest thing for me was to learn to turn the calorie counter off. I still remember the day I ate an entire sandwich in one sitting without punishing myself for doing so. I allowed a small part of myself to enjoy it. Then I celebrated the relief that allowance gave me, because at that moment, I knew I would eventually get better.

[Jocelyn]

I can't think of a better way/reason/motivation for you both to gain weight. I'll be mulling tonight about how and when food can feel like an enemy and source of fear...rather than comfort and a source of strength and energy.

[JCK (Motherscribe)]

Hope you are getting some rest, too. This takes a lot of Mama strength and you are doing amazing!

[suburbancorrespondent]

Looking forward to tomorrow's post! Sounds like a good place you have her at - thank goodness it exists.

[Jen on the Edge]

As always, I am in awe of how you're handling this, because I'm not sure I'd be doing so well. Sending love to you all, as you navigate this path.

[sydney]

really appreciated reading this and getting to understand more on whats going on with SB. I'm glad that shes getting the help and progressing as well as she is. Shes really lucky to have you guys there for her to support her, and I'm sure this is all making you guys even closer than you already are! We both know how much she loves to cuddle with you haha. in time this will all get better and until then I'll always be there for the family no matter what. xoxo syd

[Jason]

Clearly I have been away for too long. I haven't been reading or writing much at all lately. This is a big thing you've got going on here!

Now I am going to continue until I'm caught up.

[Nic]

I am so glad that the programme is helping. So much of what you've said chimes with my memories about seeing a loved one go through it. I hope it continues on the upward path to success, and I'm sure with such love and support it will.

What you said about not laughing? So true. I don't think I saw my friend laugh for about two years - it was like the disorder ripped out all her joy. She would come to my house to eat sometimes (to say she did not have supportive parents is to put it mildly) and I encouraged it so I could check how she was doing. Terror is right. She was petrified of food. I was scared I would put her off staying at my house by watching her like a hawk, or making a big deal out of her eating. After all, she could disappear from my house and there would be nothing I could do about it. So, my strategy was to consciously let her choose what she could eat (pasta with tomato sauce and salad for a ton of meals) and serving herself the portion size (and my not passing judgment when she did). If it went into her stomach it was a win for both of us. When she stayed with us, she ate a decent serving of food.

Getting her to actually go out for food - as in, meet me at this restaurant and we'll eat - that took around 3 years.

[Supra Shoes]

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