I cannot believe that for the first time since I started this blog, on Christmas Day 2007, I didn't post on my blogoversary. Okay, maybe I can believe it. I last posted on December 9 and last read blogs even before that; this is the longest blogging break I have taken since I started--and I am really missing all of you; Facebook is just not the same.
For several weeks I have been juggling like never before, busier certainly than in the years when four kids went to four different schools and I volunteered my little heart out and cooked dinner and packed lunches and drove carpools and attended games and performances.
I didn't plan on it getting to the point it did; it all snuck up on me. There's the full-time job of course, and Christmas is always busy and I have had another full-time job fighting for treatment for Jenny. On a nightly basis I was breaking my sacred rule about eight hours of sleep (six turns out to be very no bueno for me) and the exercise routine that helps keep me sane could not be shoehorned in anywhere.
Then, a week before Christmas, our neighborhood was devastated by a neighbor's suicide. It was both very sad and added another level of need-to-do to my my already heaping plate. At this point in fact, I began to have a hard time seeing over the top of that plate. I started to sweat a little, but was sure I could do it all. When have I ever not? There were a couple of bumps on the homefront that added some stress, but I am confident it was the work project that was gifted to me via email, without prior consultation or notice, under cover of night, that was the proverbial last straw (me being the proverbial camel in this scenario).
In any event, it came to pass that on Friday afternoon, after attending the funeral for our neighbor, I found myself standing in my garage screaming at my husband, "I THINK I MIGHT REALLY BE ON THE VERGE OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!" as he screamed back at me, "I BELIEVE YOU!"
It turns out the truth shall set you free. I have taken a few-day-hiatus from supporting Jenny--the point of a team is to hand the ball off now and then, right? I have taken down Christmas (note-to-self: normal people probably say "I can't take down Christmas because I have too much to do," while I say, "I have to take down Christmas now so I can think to do all the other stuff I have to do." I probably need a therapist). I have done some laundry and graded some work and dusted and swept.
I have just finished with a nice, hot bath and will be getting to bed soon.
I have taken my son and his girlfriend to the airport and have assured her that she truly has seen this family at both its best and worst during this trip. If she keeps coming back, it won't be because she's not seen "the real us."
Next time (let's be realistic, there will likely be a next time--I never expected to be putting the hours in on Jenny's situation as I have, but once you get started, what are you going to do? When Jenny gets into treatment I will be floating on that high for a long time and it will be amazing to help and see her rebuild her life), I hope to recognize when I need to put on my oxygen mask before it gets to the point it did.
Christmas itself? Magical in every way. From the brunch (outside with mimosas under a sky and sun that dazzled completely) to the mid-day bike ride to the incredibly thoughtful gifts that everyone gave and got to the fact that our guests included two dogs (belonging to my stepsis) and two kitttens (my grandkitties) to the delicious dinner--it was Christmas as Christmas should be--a celebration of family and love and generosity (also flexibility--Grownup Guy had to work part of the day so we did presents at night--I was a victim of the rigidity of "tradition" as a newlywed and I will never put that on one of my kids. Never.).
As for blogging . . .
I think it might just be a safety valve on the pressure cooker that being me can sometimes be. I'll be back.