Juggling Life

The Eating Disorder Chronicles: Whose Story is This?

I was updating a friend on Social Butterfly's progress the other day--she is a neighbor and can see that SB is looking much better--and we were talking about some of the things I've learned. I shared that I am talking to SB about the possibility, once we've gone a little further in this journey, of SB and I writing a memoir of battling anorexia together.

Her somewhat curt response was, "It's not your story. It's her story."

I have to disagree with her.

Fighting her own anorexia is SB's story. Battling anorexia alongside my daughter is my story. I can't fathom how one could think that our "stories" are not intertwined.

Our viewpoints differ and certainly, in the final analysis, SB determines the arc of the story and how the narrative ends, but whatever she does becomes my story as well.

I understand, to an extent, the thought process that led my friend to say "this isn't your story"; who hasn't met someone that manages to twist everything so they are the star player in any ensemble? That is not me, though and the story I want to tell is not a tale of victim-hood.

I have never really felt before that I had a book in me. I have been lucky enough to have several readers suggest I write a parenting book, but I'm pretty sure that are not that many ways to say "use common sense" that would add substance to the ouevre.

I do think that SB and I could add something valuable to the body of work on eating disorders. I think we can add fresh voices and perspective of our navigation of a disorder with treatment and research that is rapidly-evolving. I think we could help others that are looking for something to relate to when they are raw and frightened and searching for answers.

Will we write a book? I hope so. We will need to be in a place where we are reflecting and we are nowhere near that now, so time will have to tell. Also? I will need to convince my daughter she is not the only writer in the family. Thankfully, I have this to use as evidence.

What do you think? Whose story is this?

 

 

 

 

Documenting Milestones: Prom

I am generally quite picky about the when and where of milestone photos--which is why I usually make the arrangements. The group Social Butterfly was going in had picked out a park in a neighboring community at which to meet for pictures. I knew the park because it was in the business park where the kids pediatric dentist was located and it was always fun to feed the ducks after a visit. It was not, however, a place I would have picked for prom pics and I certainly wouldn't have picked 5 p.m.

But nobody asked me.

So off we all went at the appointed hour.

              I got to the venue first, so I did the paparazzi thing.


The bad part was all the stuff I was worried about--too busy background with buildings, fences, etc. and harsh lighting casting unflattering shadows.

The good part was that it turned out to be THE location for photo-taking and therefore a chance to see  many kids that I've known over the years; some I see frequently and some I haven't seen in years. Plus, the parents. It was very cool.

 
I don't know what you looked like at senior prom, but I can prove to you I didn't look half as amazing as any of these young ladies. Also? I did not inherit whatever photography skillz I have from my mother (though in her defense I believe she was only equipped with a 110 camera).

While I was scoping out all the gorgeous girls and guys, I was also looking for a suitable place to take some photos that I would be satisfied with--the complication being that there were a bunch of other photo snobs trying to do the same thing.

Luckily I was able to stake out a corner and the sun, as it is wont to do, started to go down. These are my faves.

The girls got each other corsages, so we had to get a shot featuring the corsages.

SB's fun, flirty, dress was the second one she tried on when we went shopping and inexpensive enough that there was money left to buy an after-prom dress and a second pair of shoes.

 
Even for the girls that had official "dates," pictures with friends were the great part of everyone being at the same place for photos.

Goofy photos were as much in demand as gorgeous ones.

Of course it does help when you can be goofy and gorgeous at the same time!

These three did their own hair and makeup, so I had to be sure to get the hair too--if you've ever heard of or wondered about "sock buns"--rest assured, they work!

After the girls had dinner--a fun affair with dinner served in style in someone's dream backyard--they popped back to our house for a couple of last-minute photos with the 'rents.

The picture of the day has to go to this one--if you're friends with me on Facebook, you've already seen it, but I think it's work another look. The caption on this one is courtesy of a blogging friend who knows how to turn a phrase exquisitely--and also how to adapt one perfectly.

Gas from Salt Lake City to San Diego: $300. Meals along the way: $25. New audiobook for passing the time: $17. Making it home in time to take a prom picture with your daughter: Priceless.*

 

* The story behind the story is that Mr. Fix-it was not due home until next Friday, but after SB lamented not being able to have a prom pic with her Dad, he and I hatched a plan to surprise her. Boy, was she surprised!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Eating Disorder* Chronicles: Prom Dress Sneak Peek

Last Friday night Social Butterfly and I did a photo shoot in her prom dress to use on her graduation/grad party announcements. I talked her into recreating a treasured shot from her toddlerhood. This wasn't the money shot, but if it was up to me it would have been.

It's taken in the exact same place and we didn't buy the pink Chuck Taylors especially for the shot; I think she's almost always had a pair.

Tuesday night was full of SB and two friends trying out updos and makeup in preparation for this Saturday night. While they did that I worked on addressing invitations to SB's graduation party.

Even two weeks ago I would not have predicted this. When recovery takes hold it moves forward in leaps and bounds.

 

*I debated whether or not to include this in The Eating Disorder Chronicles, but I realized that I want to ensure that anyone happening upon these posts later gets to the read the story of the recovery as well as the treatment.

 

Eating Disorder Chronicles: Stand Up

Every time I think I'm too weary to fight, something happens that brings the fight in me right to the surface. This week there were two things that have my dander up.

The first is that Social Butterfly's English teacher refuses to communicate with us via email about her schoolwork. Yes, "refused" is the word I used. He doesn't "do" email. My going to the mat on this particular issue ended up with me having a phone conversation with the principal.*

That's when I got really mad.

During the course of that conversation "reservations" were expressed about having a student "who is not actually attending school participate in the traditional senior activities like prom, senior lunch and graduation." Also, "what's fair to other students must be considered."

I took one VERY DEEP breath before responding.

Thank goodness I can think on my feet--this is pretty much verbatim what I said:

My daughter is a student on an independent contract for medical reasons. She is a student in good academic standing in this district and at this school and has never been a discipline problem. I can't fathom what grounds you would have to exclude her from these activities, nor can I imagine how her presence would have a negative affect on any other students. Further, social withdrawal is a component of anorexia and her desire to participate in these activities is a sign of her recovery. Were you to deny her the chance to attend prom, that might threaten her recovery and I would consider that to be a very serious matter. In addition, I would ask you to consider whether or not you would be suggesting excluding my daughter from these events if she had leukemia and was missing school to receive chemotherapy.

Guess who's going to prom?

Also?

The principal has changed her tune considerably after our conversation; I admire someone who allows their views to evolve once they are educated.

 

* We ended up finally getting the work by stopping by the school. Summaries and questions on 14 chapters of Brave New World. There is absolutely no reason she wasn't given these assignments on a daily/weekly basis via email. I have just gotten mad enough to escalate this fight.

 

 

 

The Eating Disorder Chronicles: Make New Friends

Social Butterfly and I made plans to have a dinner party for some of her closest friends from the eating disorder program (some discharged, some on half-days, some still on full-days) and their parents this past Saturday night.

If you've been a reader for long, you know that where other people might just say, "We really ought to get together sometime . . ." and then never have it happen, I really mean it and I make it so. It's the good part of being a task-oriented person--I rock follow through.

What a blessing it was to have the dinner to look forward to after the horror show that was last week.

We had the best time.

The weather was glorious (which was nice, because we've been having the grayest spring ever) and Mr. Fix-it--sensing that I was as close to overwhelmed as I have ever been (I might have given some pointed hints that I was hanging on by a very thin thread after several sleepless nights)-- had spent Friday and Saturday spring cleaning our house and yard, so everything was sparkling clean and inviting.

We did a potluck (if you ever want to know how to make a 1,000 calorie a serving pasta casserole, I'm your go-to gal) and the food was delicious. Homemade California rolls were one family's contribution and strawberries stuffed with cream cheese/powdered sugar/vanilla were dessert. There was a nice Syrah for the adults and Trader Joe's sparkling pink lemonade for the kids.

If there is anything better for the soul than sitting around the patio, in fading daylight, sharing fine food, drink and conversation with people you like and trust, and have walked through fire alongside, while listening to the sound of your daughters' raucous laughter spilling from the house, than I would love to hear about it.

I am a Girl Scout through and through; I have sung "Make new friends/but keep the old/one is silver and the other's gold/A circle is round/It has no end/That's how long I want to be your friend" more times than I can possibly count.

I may not have sung it out loud Saturday night, but that song was definitely in my heart.

 

 

 

Frazzled

My most-excellent bloggy friend, Green Girl in Wisconsin, has been doing some posts (and a book giveaway) on being frazzled. Which is odd because I've been writing this post in my head for some days, but haven't had time to get it in actual post-able format (your reading my mind not being a possibility and all) because I've been . . . wait for it . . . frazzled.

I have done Green Girl's current brand of frazzled for many years. In fact, one reason I love reading her posts is because it takes me back to those busy, crazy, sports, laundry and homework-filled years--years that I truly loved. Though to be fair, I wasn't doing Karate alongside my kids as she does. I did do kickboxing for awhile, but it's not the same thing.

Frazzled 2.0 is what I'm experiencing these days.

Work is great, but to say I'm busy would be like saying Romney and Obama are running a "minor" campaign. I have been working full-time for about six weeks (if you're a loyal reader, you may recall I went full-time the same week Social Butterfly started treatment). Two weeks ago we rolled out a new "blended" curriculum that is 40% online and 60% on-ground. The teachers in the crowd will recognize that this necessitated a full redesign of my curriculum.

Also? I got asked to be on an hour-long conference call concerning a redesign/addition of another module to the pharmacy technician program. It went well. So well that now I've been asked to consult on the entire project. Which is all kinds of awesome except for the timing, but I'm pretty sure that a 48-year old woman just starting her career would be really stupid to say no to a career-enhancing opportunity over a minor detail like an impending nervous breakdown due to being stretched too thin.

You know I feel so blessed that my daughter is an amazing eating disorder treatment program, but it does mean that two days of the week I rush out of work (so lucky to be able to do that) and drive like a bat out of hell to get to various components of the program where my presence is required. Those are my 80-mile loop days.

Saturdays I get up bright and early to spend the day in the program. Though I don't have to cook breakfast or lunch on those days so there's that.

Speaking of cooking . . .

In order to attempt to meet SB's calorie requirements I need to make everything with heavy cream and butter. I have never cooked that way except for on Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Day and Easter, so it's very different for me. I made enchiladas tonight and mixed heavy cream in with the enchilada sauce. As you can imagine, it's tasty. Well unless you hate all food, but especially mixed foods and unhealthy, high-calorie foods--in which case spewing vitriol at the cook is not only allowed, but accepted with grace.

Social Butterfly is back on full-days in the treatment program--probably due to her height it is really difficult for her to put on weight and we don't have much time to get her weight restored and maintained before she leaves for college.

One thing that I firmly believe is that nothing worth accomplishing is achieved without hard work. The only way to the other side of a problem is straight through--around doesn't work--so I take some comfort in the bumps in that regard. We are definitely doing the nitty-gritty, dirt-under-the-fingernails manual labor on this one.

On the subject of weight, I have gone off-plan and am sharing all her numbers with her. Her target weight, based on her growth charts, is 140 lbs. and she doesn't have long to get there. 135 lbs. is not okay, despite the fact that she wishes it was, and that's that. I think she deserves the opportunity to come to grips with that reality while receiving support.

Having Mr. Fix-it in and out is very difficult--basically it's the switch in routines every two weeks that is so hard for all of us. In particular, I am a creature of habit and all of us are testy with one another during the re-entry period. Of course, when you have limited time it feels foolish to waste any of it being crabby, but I know this is a common pattern in these situations.

Oh, and my dog got really sick on Saturday night and had to go the emergency room. $200 worth of lab tests revealed nothing. She now seems fine except for the fact that she can only walk a block before sitting down and refusing to walk any farther. Odd for a dog that could do 5 miles a couple of weeks ago.

In a conversation with OMomK last week I said I was feeling overwhelmed. She, who has known me for 12 years, through some very trying times, pointed out to me that she had never before heard me use the "o" word to refer to myself.

So . . .  frazzled. Yes. I. Am.

It's a good thing I don't have to help plan a wedding right now. Oh, wait.*

 

*I jest--actually the wedding planning stuff is restorative fun. Really and truly.

 

 
This dress is in the running for the bridesmaids. SB calls it a "Marily Monroe Some Like it Hot" dress. How cool would a photo like that be?

 

 

 

It was the worst of times, It was the best of times . . .

Just when my mood needed lifting, a wondrous event happened in our family. Grownup Girl and her boyfriend, Grownup Guy are now affianced.

What a considerate man to propose right after she got a manicure!

They had looked at rings for "someday," but she was truly shocked when he proposed to her onstage at the formal dinner dance where they were receiving an award for being the Kappa Psi "couple of the year."

We were not surprised as GuGuy let us in on the plot.

Grownup Girl thought that planning a wedding for next year seemed like a daunting task, but in one evening of Facebook chatting, Pinteresting and input from a friend whose daughter was married in Chicago last year (we got spreadsheets!) we have picked the city (Chicago), the date (same weekend they graduate from pharmacy school--Memorial Day weekend), have several possible venues and have nailed down the color scheme.

Aqua will be the base color with splashes of hot pink, vivid orange and lime green. Perfect for spring, no?

The venue will be something outdoors and near water. Humboldt Park Boat House is a top contender, but if any Chicagoans have other ideas for us to consider, please let me know.

Money is an object, but luckily GuG has some talented friends that will be in the bridal party. Her friend Kelsey is a cake decorator and Julie is a whiz with a sewing machine. Music Man will likely serve as photographer. As for me, it has been said by some that I possess superior organizational skills and those are thought to be handy in wedding planning.

Oh my gosh, this is going to be fun!

Fun, of course, is secondary to the true blessing which is that our daughter is marrying a really great guy and is set to embark on that grand post-school adventure known as "the rest of your life."

 

 

 

 

 

The Eating Disorder Chronicles: Hypermetabolism

Social Butterfly's weight restoration process is a slow one. The pattern of weight gain during the re-feeding process varies from person to person. SB's height means that putting on the weight is taking even longer, and requiring more calories. I won't use numbers for her weight, but her pattern is very much a gain, followed by a loss of most of that gain, followed by a gain, followed by a loss of most of that gain, followed by a gain . . . well, you get the picture. We persevere and take comfort that the high number is higher with each round.

To get better numbers we continually add calories to her daily diet. Right now she is at 3,100 calories per day. That, my friends, is a hella lot of food. Imagine a day when you are on vacation, indulging yourself in a break from discipline and enjoying the culinary bounty of your destination. Now imagine that if you didn't even like food.

We soldier on and this past week has brought several breakthoughs in the form of takeout food for dinner and the upping of the nighttime snack to 500 calories--which, as she points out, is really more of a meal than a "snack." Our next, likely inevitable, step is Haagen-Dazs. That should be fun!

We are all becoming so much wiser through this process and I think the overall long-term benefit of this experience will be positive; it's the tough times that make us strong people and strong is a very good thing to be.

 

Whole Latte Life: A Book Review and Giveaway Post

In the interests of full disclosure, this is not really a review post because I haven't finished the book.

Insert paragraph where I moan about how unbelievably busy I am with the new full-time job, part-time husband and my new status as meal-preparer for someone who hates food. But I'm doing it all! And it's really not bad except that I didn't finish this book that I've had for at least three months now.

What I can say about this book is that the first few chapters are really good and I totally plan on finishing it.

This is the paragraph where I copy the book's synopsis straight off the back cover (see paragraph 2). Sara Beth Riley never dreamt she'd walk straight out of her life.  Actually she'd never dreamt a lot of things that had happened this year ... From being kidnapped by her own best friend, to throwing her wedding rings into the Hudson River, to calling an old love in France, to getting inked with said best friend, painting the passionate constellation of these choices into permanence.  But mostly, she could never have dreamt what started it all.  How could it be that her mother's unexpected death, and the grief which lingered painfully long, turned her into the woman she was finally meant to become?

Sara Beth's escape begins a summer of change - of herself, of marriage, of the lives of those around her.  In a story that moves from Manhattan to the sea to a quaint New England town, Whole Latte Life looks at friends we never forget, at decisions we linger with, at our attempts to live the lives we love.

The beginning--which I have read--paints a very real portrait of two best friends on a birthday weekend getaway. Rachel and Sara Beth have a history and a friendship that any woman of a certain age with long-time best friend will relate to. Told from Rachel's perspective, you believe this friendship and believing the relationships in a book is a key component of my enjoying it.

A personal connection to the material is also important to me and I happened to have dinner with OMomK last Saturday night after beginning the book. Longtime readers of this blog know the outlines of the situation we went through were we didn't speak for 18 months after 10 years of an incredibly close friendship. We have spent the last six months easing our way into a new relationship.

Thoroughly licquoured up, and in the midst of the sort of giggles that you only get with your best girlfriend, I said to her, "OMomK, this is why I just can't quit you."

A rich, deep story about a friendship between two women is always a good read. If you'd like to win a copy of this book, leave me a comment telling me who your best friend is and I'll pick a winner by random drawing next weekend.

 

Thanks to the author and publisher for giving me this book to review for free and the opportunity to giveaway one copy of the book in either paperback or Kindle eReader format.

 

Shattered Solitude

Social Butterfly and I were sitting next to this lovely scene enjoying a picnic lunch when Mr. Fix-it called. He'd been on a bike ride near the Great Salt Lake and biffed it big-time. It was a five stitches, major road rash, Vicodin prescription-caliber spill.

Of course we didn't know when he first called the extent of his injuries and his desire to rest in his car for a while (after riding his bike eight miles into a headwind to get to the car after his fall) before going to the hospital was troubling. Take a nap? Are you kidding me?!

I hate feeling helpless. I am a very competent person and it just kills me to not be able to figure out a solution or formulate a plan; to be helpless.

It all turned out fine, but that was just luck. It's all just luck.

I really prefer to have the illusion that I can control things, events, people. This was a reminder I really can't, that none of us can.