Juggling Life

The Eating Disorder Chronicles: Make New Friends

Social Butterfly and I made plans to have a dinner party for some of her closest friends from the eating disorder program (some discharged, some on half-days, some still on full-days) and their parents this past Saturday night.

If you've been a reader for long, you know that where other people might just say, "We really ought to get together sometime . . ." and then never have it happen, I really mean it and I make it so. It's the good part of being a task-oriented person--I rock follow through.

What a blessing it was to have the dinner to look forward to after the horror show that was last week.

We had the best time.

The weather was glorious (which was nice, because we've been having the grayest spring ever) and Mr. Fix-it--sensing that I was as close to overwhelmed as I have ever been (I might have given some pointed hints that I was hanging on by a very thin thread after several sleepless nights)-- had spent Friday and Saturday spring cleaning our house and yard, so everything was sparkling clean and inviting.

We did a potluck (if you ever want to know how to make a 1,000 calorie a serving pasta casserole, I'm your go-to gal) and the food was delicious. Homemade California rolls were one family's contribution and strawberries stuffed with cream cheese/powdered sugar/vanilla were dessert. There was a nice Syrah for the adults and Trader Joe's sparkling pink lemonade for the kids.

If there is anything better for the soul than sitting around the patio, in fading daylight, sharing fine food, drink and conversation with people you like and trust, and have walked through fire alongside, while listening to the sound of your daughters' raucous laughter spilling from the house, than I would love to hear about it.

I am a Girl Scout through and through; I have sung "Make new friends/but keep the old/one is silver and the other's gold/A circle is round/It has no end/That's how long I want to be your friend" more times than I can possibly count.

I may not have sung it out loud Saturday night, but that song was definitely in my heart.

 

 

 

Eating Disorder Chronicles: Week One

Many of you expressed surprise that Social Butterfly's program is so intense--6 days a week. I admit that when I first thought of a program, I was picturing a couple of nights a week for 4 hours a night. But this? Makes so much more sense. These kids cannot get better until they eat and the only way they'll eat is to be made to--by wonderful therapists and stalwart parents. And believe me, the stalwart parents are thankful to have the professionals to work with as a team. It wasn't always this way and if you want to read an excellent memoir from the pioneering days of Maudsley/Family Based Therapy treatment, pick up Brave Girl Eating by Harriet Brown.

Words I've heard used to describe Social Butterfly's first week in the program: Amazing, fantastic, excellent.

I agree with all of them.

I also agree with the lack of inclusion of "easy." There were some difficult meals, some fairly easy meals and then there was a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad meal. Things were thrown, curse words were spewed. But . . . food was also eaten. Yep, that goes in the win column.

I believe that Friday night was so bad because the ED senses it's losing and it is was fighting back like a cornered feral cat.

On Saturday, we both reset at family day. As I said to SB, "Can you believe we've only known these people one week?" We are all soliders fighting a similar enemy and we are bonded in fear, hope and feeding.

We went shopping after Program and I bought her a couple of skirts; she wants to refresh her wardrobe, but is reluctant to buy pants because growing out of them will be traumatic, but something she must do to get healthy. She looks stunning in the maxi skirts that are so popular now; she has one gray and navy striped one and I got her two new skirts, simple black, and a pleated peach crepe. They're perfect.

The best thing that happened this weekend is that Social Butterfly and Peanut went on a hike at a nearby state park. Peanut has been the most amazing friend a girl could have through all of this and now that SB is coming out of the social withdrawal that characterizes ED, I get to have her around the house again; SB and I have both missed her immensely.

Undoubtedly, we will face more bumps in the road before we get to the highway marked "recovered," but I don't doubt for a moment we will make it there.

Thank's so much to everyone for reading and commenting and the outpouring of support. It does help.

                     The daily doodle, SB's own art therapy.

 

 

Eating Disorder Chronicles: Warning Signs: They were there

The full list of warning signs of an Eating Disorder is over at the F.E.A.S.T. website. I'm going to talk about those that we noticed in Social Butterfly.

This is how it started . . .

Dieting: Yep--and a very healthy, sensible diet it was, too. Exactly what Weight Watcher's would have told her to do.

New interest in food and cooking: It started with an interest in cooking healthy food for the two of us to enjoy together, but it morphed into obsessive watching of the Food Network, countless hours cruising food pins on Pinterest and the baking. You've seen the evidence of the baking. Damn, that girl can bake.

This was the bounty of GrownUpGirl's birthday care package. Not pictured are the lemon cake pops with white chocolate frosting. SB made these treats over the course of two days.

 A Whole Bunch of Signs Lumped Together: She began to restrict what she ate, which meant she was adamantly opposed to restaurants. Then her food choices narrowed day by day until by the time she went into the program breakfast was one hard-boiled egg, lunch was a large bowl of fruit and dinner was a large salad with some diced chicken (at my insistence) and fat-free dressing. "No," was the answer to do you want anything not on that list.

Anger: She did not appreciate the suggestion that what she was eating was not enough. She tried her hand at manipulating the doctor, but neither the doctor or I let her get away with it.

Social Withdrawal: She had plausible and logical explantations for her gradual withdrawal from socializing outside the home, but now she and I both know it is/was part of the disorder taking over.

The Proof: Her doctor gave 10 days to NOT lose any weight at all. SB tried, my goodness she tried. The doctor had suggested eating an additional food at each meal and SB did that. She also tracked on paper what she was eating. It wasn't hard. Breakfast became an egg and several blueberries. Lunch was an open-face sandwich of wheat toast, hummus and sliced tomatoes with a small fruit salad and the dinner salad had some fruit added and a little more chicken.

The Last Straw: The doctor and I already knew SB was going into treatment, but this is when SB knew. The day she spent several hours in the E.R. after having fainted twice due to orthostatic hypotension (low blood pressure upon standing). They couldn't even get blood to do labs until they'd reyhydrated her--going through a vein on her wrist.

How She Looked: Honestly, people thought she looked great. If she was a model they would have told her to lose 10 lbs. Her close friends and family could see that she was too thin, but a stranger would have just been envious of her clothes-hanger frame.

The Bottom Line: The transition from a healthy "lifestyle change" to an eating disorder was about four weeks. The last four weeks were spent monitoring worsening symptoms and handling the situation so that SHE would realize she had an eating disorder and not think that her doctor and her parents were overreacting.

What I Think Made a Difference: Her doctor, her father, her friend and I all expressed our concerns early on. It has been my experience in this life that you can never go wrong with communication. I may not always prevent problems, but you have to have it to solve problems.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eating Disorder Chronicles: Information and Misinformation

I am going to write posts about this experience as I am moved to do so; I may not publish them in chronological order. As I said on Friday, there is so much I want to share, but I don't want to do it all in one post.

Social Butterfly's diagnoses is Anorexia Nervosa: Restricting Type. This means she doesn't binge, purge or exercise obsessively, but does restrict her food intake.

The piece of information that turned my thinking upside down in regard to Eating Disorders (ED) is that weight loss causes ED in those genetically predisposed to ED. Think of it this way--two people begin to drink; one becomes an alcoholic and one does not. Why? Because one person has the physiological make-up of an alcoholic and the other does not. The exact same thing happens with those that diet (usually females, but EDs do occur in males).

The above piece of information, the genetic component, resonates with me so much because I know I had a healthy, self-confident, happy daughter before she started to eat "healthily" in order to lose some weight and get in shape. I also know that my family, while not deliriously happy every second of every day and not absent any difficulties, is a happy family.

If it could happen to my girl, it could happen to anybody.

There are things I discover in the research that baffle me in regards to SB as well. "Individuals with AN are characterized by marked perfectionism, harm avoidance, low novelty seeking, conformity and obsessionality . . ."

Marked perfectionism? Absolutely not. She achieves well academically, but is not an academic standout (believe me, I know many perfectionist kids and she's not one of them). She likes to do things well, but she doesn't fall apart if she doesn't succeed.

Harm avoidance and low novelty seeking? I'm pretty sure that would preclude her 14th birthday tandem paraglide or the 18th birthday skydive she and MVP have been planning for next Thanksgiving.

Conformity? My girl quit cheer after her first year because she wasn't interested in that type of conformity and she is one of the most independent-minded/immune to peer pressure girls I've ever met. From day one teachers have commented on the way she follows her own path, so it's not just my opinion.

Obsessionality? This one I can make a slight case for--though I would describe myself as far more obesessive than SB. When she was a toddler she had to wear the shoes that best matched her outfit (though the fact she had 18 pairs of teeny-tiny shoes was my obsession) and she did love to have everything in her room exactly in its place; though her teen-age self does not have that problem. She is extremely organized, though in a way that is productive.

That said, since the ED has taken over, she certainly does obsess over food and is very perfectionist in her presentation of food. Who would think a raspberry could take six bites to eat?!

The biggest myth about eating disorders is that they result from a need to exercise control because the person has no control in other areas of their life. That may be true for some, and control is certainly a hallmark of the disorder, but is a blanket generalization that is wrong as often as it is right. Certainly (thank goodness for this mother) the eighties thinking that eating disorders were the result of controlling mothers has long been disproved. And really, if controlling mothers were the issue it would have been one of the older kids that would have had an ED--no mother is controlling with the fourth child!

The other myth that I absolutey believed is that society's obsession with thinness is what leads girls to focus obsessively on weight and become anorexic. Our obsession with thinness may lead to dieting in some, which can turn into an eating disorder, but look at all the people that don't have EDs. It's just not as clear as it sounds.

The following, from an article co-written by the doctor that runs the clinic where SB is receiving treament, sums things up. "The etiology of an AN is presumed to be complex and influenced by developmental, social, and biological processes."

Tomorrow I'll post the warning signs of an eating disorder--they're not all what you would expect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nesting

Mr. Fix-it flew in Friday and San Diego put on its best performance of an early spring day to greet him. The sky was bright blue and a warm breeze was blowing. I had on stylish earrings and smelled nice; it was a lovely homecoming.

Social Butterfly stayed home while I went to the airport so she could time her banana bread (his absolute favorite baked good) to come out of the oven right when he got home.

Saturday we made last-minute plans with our friends Jim and Sandra. Last-minute plans are pretty much the only kind that work with the four of us due to MFI's schedule and the fact that Jim is an airline pilot and is on call or gone on many weekends.

Because we've crossed over to the slightly older side of middle age, we saw a movie at 4:45 and then had dinner after the movie. The movie was "This Means War" and while it started slowly and was really predictable, I did laugh quite a bit--I'll take that. Dinner was sushi and it was fantastic food at a really reasonable price-especially considering the amount of Kirin on the tab. The evening was over at 9; 25 years ago that would have meant the evening was a bust, but now it means it was a wonderful time.

Sunday was laundry, yard work, baking, lesson prep and the gym; the three of us did various combinations of the aforementioned; I love that kind of day.

My life definitely has a rhythm that varies with whether or not my husband is home. I tend to go out a lot when he's not home and then I'm happy to settle in and be a homebody when he returns. He's starting to find more things to do on his weekend in Salt Lake City, which is great. It's still not the schedule we'd prefer, but I do think we make it work fairly well.

Most of you are off today for President's Day, so enjoy! I'll be working, but that's okay--I had Valentine's Day off while everyone else worked, so fair is fair.

How was your weekend? What are your plans for today?

 

 

 

 

It's a Wonderful Day in the Neighborhood . . .

Saturday was grey and cloudy. As a native San Diegan I don’t really do grey and cloudy—I’m outside on enough sunny days that a grey day is a signal to stay inside with the Internet or a good book. That’s what I did with the first few hours of my day. Then, at one o’clock, Social Butterfly and I headed to the mall. We had some money on a Sears gift card to spin (Sears truly sucks, by the way*) and I also wanted to make sure to spend a few dollars at JC Penney to let them know I appreciate their decision to act with integrity in the Ellen Degeneres situation.

SB took off with Peanut to go catch a water polo game in Irvine (somebody asked SB if it was a girls’ game or guys’ game and she said, “Guys, duh.”). I decided that I would brave the overcast to walk the dog before cooking dinner for my friend Heidi. I wrangled the dog into the harness—she gets excited when the leash comes out-- then put on a warm coat, and off we went.

The thing about a grey day in San Diego is that often times the sun will peak out for part of the day; I stepped outside to a sun-bathed suburbanscape, mellow in the late afternoon light. February begins spring for us, so flowers are beginning to bloom.

I catalogued the delights of my walk because I felt myself a latter-day, and female, Mr. Rogers—lightly tripping down the street exchanging pleasantries with all and sundry.

Our mail carrier of many years, Dave, had just returned to our route after having left due to being bumped in some seniority realignment. I felt lucky to be able to flag him down and tell him how I overjoyed I was to have him back. I think he was appropriately delighted to hear that.

I got to admire and coo over the neighbor’s new(ish) baby and let her know how much I love it when her older son comes down to the cul-de-sac to shoot hoops in the basketball net Santa brought the kids in 1995, our first Christmas in this house.

My dog got to sniff around four other dogs—as is her personality, she let each one of them know right off the bet that she understood he/she to be the alpha dog and that was okay by her.

At one house, a couple of blocks from home, a darling little girl, in her garage watching her father work on her bike, yelled, “Your dog sure is cute!”

As I hung up the leash and contemplated the dinner preparations I was set to commence, and the evening to follow with a good friend, a bottle of Champagne, and the episodes of Downton Abbey (thank you, Netflix) I was quite satisfied with my quiet, suburban life.

 Dinner was wonderful if I do say so myself--a whole wheat pizza with hummus instead of red sauce and red pepper, onion, sun-dried tomatoes with light mozzarella, a green salad and a fruit salad for dessert with a greek yogurt with brown sugar dressing.

Holiday Open House 2011

I'm late to this party and I HATE being late. I would regale you with my story of a three-day internet outage which was totally Time-Warner cable's fault and I'm sooooo mad at them, but you don't have time for that--you have places to go and people to see.

So . . . yeah, my OPEN HOUSE post--you'll have to click here!

I will be around to visit all of you soon--I'm so looking forward to it.

As always, thanks to Jen for hosting.

 

Many hands . . .

Thanksgiving is my family's favorite holiday; maybe it's tied with Christmas, but it's definitely up there. One of the reasons is the food (as detailed in this post). I would put my Thanksgiving dinner up against anyone's for deliciousness of the traditional variety (except I would never do sweet potatoes with the marshmallows on top; this year I did Mark Bittman's Mashed Sweet Potato Brulee-- they were delish [and the oven fire that started when I didn't check the brulee is the stuff of family legend--I scraped it off and tried again; it worked]).

Thanksgiving becomes even more special once the whole family doesn't live in the same house. For us, it is soooooo not about Black Friday. It truly is about togetherness.

The day before Thanksgiving was unusual in that it is the first time I've ever worked the day before the big day and our meal requires a solid day of prep work. Grownup Girl and Grownup Guy were more than up to the task of getting everything going and Social Butterfly and MVP (okay, more SB than MVP) did the bidding of the head chefs.

When you work together, listening to music and talking, a day's full of cooking isn't drudgery, but fun.

Also fun?

The impromptu dinner party we had when a couple of GuGirl's friends from high school came by (one accompanied by a boyfriend and two children) and we served everyone drinks, threw together a dinner for the little ones and reallocated a Thanksgiving pie for dessert. Good times.

I hear so many people women complain about how much work and stress the holidays are and it really saddens me. Everyone in my family helps and that makes all the difference. Some things just aren't meant to be do-it-yourself and I think the holidays belong on the list.

How was your day and who pitched in to make it come together?

 

 

What's on my Mind (Shallow Edition)

I read a really intriguing book last week (I've been taking Friday, my weekday off, as a reading day-it's divine). The book is What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty. It's about a women with three children and in the midst of a divorce. She falls off her bike during spin class and wakes up with the last 10 years of her life lost to amnesia. She thinks she's 28 and a derlirously-happy newlywed anticipating the birth of her first child. It gets you thinking.

Social Butterfly and I saw 50/50 on Saturday afternoon. She tried to pull a last-minute switcheroo and try to get me to see What's Your Number instead. Now I don't mind seeing that movie but not when I was planning on seeing a great movie. It was phenomenal. I do this thing lately when I see movies where I name the young lead the new old lead. For example, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the new John Cucask.

SB is still more than happy to go to movies with me because she's still not 17 and our movie theatre cards hard-core. They won't even let you buy them a ticket unless you also sit with them. Her birthday's coming soon . . . 11/11/11. Yeah, that calls for a party.

Breaking Bad. Oh, I know I'm late to this particular rodeo, but Yowza! it is good. Saturday night I was wide awake (why, oh why do I ever drink caffeine after noon?); I was up until almost one a.m. watching BB and playing Words with Friends.

Twitter. I don't really know. Maybe I'm too late to the party. It's a great big time-suck if you pay close attention. There is a lot self-promotion and that's so not my thing. Then again, sometimes you find things you wouldn't have come across any other way. So that's good. Twitter. I'm doing it but I'm not in love with it.

Sunday I put together brunch with friends. It was a Groupon that was going to expire--all summer long whenever I'd bring up a weekend it didn't work for someone. Friday night I put it on FB and we got a crowd of 10. It was wicked fun. The mimosas were endless and I wasn't driving. I needed a nap when I got home.

In the interests of amusing you half as much as this picture amused my daughter after she snapped it while I was snoozing away.

You don't often see a picture of me when I'm not camera-ready! That is not what I wore to brunch.

        Book group and water polo friends getting to know one another!

 

BlogHer Moments . . . It's All About the People

I said I wasn't going to BlogHer to learn to monetize my blog--and, as it turns out, I didn't actually sit through a whole panel discussion. BlogHer for me was about the people--and, actually, it turned out some of the parts of BlogHer didnt' happen at BlogHer.

My BlogHer experience started on Thursday when JCK and I sat at the lake by my home eating spicy chicken sandwiches from my local deli, noshing on sliced mango and talking about our handsome and spirited sons--my Danger Boy and her BOY. She is IN for it--and I mean that in the best possible way.

That evening I got to share the delights of the La Jolla Children's pool with the irrepressible, blue-eyed daughter of Magpie Musing. She didn't want to leave and who could blame her? I was tickled to hear that her dad took my advice and they went back to the beach the next day where she promptly learned to boogie board. I would post a picture of Magpie and me, but it hasn't made it from her iPhone to my inbox--I suspect she's busy having fun in the California sun.

I was sitting in a panel Friday when I started getting texts from the lovely and talented Aaryn Belfer--who, incidentally, was sitting in the same room. One thing led to another and the next thing you know we were sitting at a table in the Sails Pavilion of the Convention Center solving the problems of the world. Obama--call us before you make your next move. We have thoughts.

Friday night heralded the arrival of Suzy Soro, from Hollywood: Where Hot Comes to Die, on my doorstep. And really? She deserves her own post. More tomorrow!