Juggling Life

The Eating Disorder Chronicles: Whose Story is This?

I was updating a friend on Social Butterfly's progress the other day--she is a neighbor and can see that SB is looking much better--and we were talking about some of the things I've learned. I shared that I am talking to SB about the possibility, once we've gone a little further in this journey, of SB and I writing a memoir of battling anorexia together.

Her somewhat curt response was, "It's not your story. It's her story."

I have to disagree with her.

Fighting her own anorexia is SB's story. Battling anorexia alongside my daughter is my story. I can't fathom how one could think that our "stories" are not intertwined.

Our viewpoints differ and certainly, in the final analysis, SB determines the arc of the story and how the narrative ends, but whatever she does becomes my story as well.

I understand, to an extent, the thought process that led my friend to say "this isn't your story"; who hasn't met someone that manages to twist everything so they are the star player in any ensemble? That is not me, though and the story I want to tell is not a tale of victim-hood.

I have never really felt before that I had a book in me. I have been lucky enough to have several readers suggest I write a parenting book, but I'm pretty sure that are not that many ways to say "use common sense" that would add substance to the ouevre.

I do think that SB and I could add something valuable to the body of work on eating disorders. I think we can add fresh voices and perspective of our navigation of a disorder with treatment and research that is rapidly-evolving. I think we could help others that are looking for something to relate to when they are raw and frightened and searching for answers.

Will we write a book? I hope so. We will need to be in a place where we are reflecting and we are nowhere near that now, so time will have to tell. Also? I will need to convince my daughter she is not the only writer in the family. Thankfully, I have this to use as evidence.

What do you think? Whose story is this?

 

 

 

 

Prom: The REALLY Cool Part

The first story about prom that Social Butterfly was eager to share with me was about the crowning of the prom king and queen. They are not a boyfriend/girlfriend or football player/cheerleader duo, but rather two drama kids. After they were crowned they did the traditional dance; then their respective boyfriends cut in and that's when the crowd got all verklempt over the romance of it all.

Because I know my way around a Twitter feed, I captured these two tweets to share.*

 

 

I suppose it is possible high school isn't all bad, right?

 

*Even though these were open Twitter feeds, not protected ones, I'm erring on the side of respect and not using the names.

Documenting Milestones: Prom

I am generally quite picky about the when and where of milestone photos--which is why I usually make the arrangements. The group Social Butterfly was going in had picked out a park in a neighboring community at which to meet for pictures. I knew the park because it was in the business park where the kids pediatric dentist was located and it was always fun to feed the ducks after a visit. It was not, however, a place I would have picked for prom pics and I certainly wouldn't have picked 5 p.m.

But nobody asked me.

So off we all went at the appointed hour.

              I got to the venue first, so I did the paparazzi thing.


The bad part was all the stuff I was worried about--too busy background with buildings, fences, etc. and harsh lighting casting unflattering shadows.

The good part was that it turned out to be THE location for photo-taking and therefore a chance to see  many kids that I've known over the years; some I see frequently and some I haven't seen in years. Plus, the parents. It was very cool.

 
I don't know what you looked like at senior prom, but I can prove to you I didn't look half as amazing as any of these young ladies. Also? I did not inherit whatever photography skillz I have from my mother (though in her defense I believe she was only equipped with a 110 camera).

While I was scoping out all the gorgeous girls and guys, I was also looking for a suitable place to take some photos that I would be satisfied with--the complication being that there were a bunch of other photo snobs trying to do the same thing.

Luckily I was able to stake out a corner and the sun, as it is wont to do, started to go down. These are my faves.

The girls got each other corsages, so we had to get a shot featuring the corsages.

SB's fun, flirty, dress was the second one she tried on when we went shopping and inexpensive enough that there was money left to buy an after-prom dress and a second pair of shoes.

 
Even for the girls that had official "dates," pictures with friends were the great part of everyone being at the same place for photos.

Goofy photos were as much in demand as gorgeous ones.

Of course it does help when you can be goofy and gorgeous at the same time!

These three did their own hair and makeup, so I had to be sure to get the hair too--if you've ever heard of or wondered about "sock buns"--rest assured, they work!

After the girls had dinner--a fun affair with dinner served in style in someone's dream backyard--they popped back to our house for a couple of last-minute photos with the 'rents.

The picture of the day has to go to this one--if you're friends with me on Facebook, you've already seen it, but I think it's work another look. The caption on this one is courtesy of a blogging friend who knows how to turn a phrase exquisitely--and also how to adapt one perfectly.

Gas from Salt Lake City to San Diego: $300. Meals along the way: $25. New audiobook for passing the time: $17. Making it home in time to take a prom picture with your daughter: Priceless.*

 

* The story behind the story is that Mr. Fix-it was not due home until next Friday, but after SB lamented not being able to have a prom pic with her Dad, he and I hatched a plan to surprise her. Boy, was she surprised!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Eating Disorder* Chronicles: Prom Dress Sneak Peek

Last Friday night Social Butterfly and I did a photo shoot in her prom dress to use on her graduation/grad party announcements. I talked her into recreating a treasured shot from her toddlerhood. This wasn't the money shot, but if it was up to me it would have been.

It's taken in the exact same place and we didn't buy the pink Chuck Taylors especially for the shot; I think she's almost always had a pair.

Tuesday night was full of SB and two friends trying out updos and makeup in preparation for this Saturday night. While they did that I worked on addressing invitations to SB's graduation party.

Even two weeks ago I would not have predicted this. When recovery takes hold it moves forward in leaps and bounds.

 

*I debated whether or not to include this in The Eating Disorder Chronicles, but I realized that I want to ensure that anyone happening upon these posts later gets to the read the story of the recovery as well as the treatment.

 

The Eating Disorder Chronicles: Happy Mother's Day

This post is dedicated to the mothers (past and present) of the patients at the UCSD Eating Disorder Treatment Program--K, A, Y, R, T, S, V, H and the rest of the crew. You know who you are.

 

This Mother's Day I want to celebrate some of the most amazing mothers I have ever met in my life. Just as our children never knew how strong they were until they had to do battle with the Beast--their eating disorder--I would venture to say most of us moms didn't know our own strength until our children's lives were on the line.

We are strong.

We are committed.

We will triumph.

While it is only our children that can vanquish the monster, we are the ones that send them into battle with all the weapons we can muster. The battle against ED is waged with weight gain--hard fought for pounds that only come on when we, their mothers (which is not to discount what the dads do, but this is Mother's Day), make sure the food goes and stays down. Our part of this fight is waged with heavy cream and patience and vigilance in equal measure.

And love, oh-so-much love.

It's not a club I would have set out to join, but since I wasn't give a choice I am grateful for my compatriots.

Happy Mother's Day, ladies.

 

 

 

Eating Disorder Chronicles: Stand Up

Every time I think I'm too weary to fight, something happens that brings the fight in me right to the surface. This week there were two things that have my dander up.

The first is that Social Butterfly's English teacher refuses to communicate with us via email about her schoolwork. Yes, "refused" is the word I used. He doesn't "do" email. My going to the mat on this particular issue ended up with me having a phone conversation with the principal.*

That's when I got really mad.

During the course of that conversation "reservations" were expressed about having a student "who is not actually attending school participate in the traditional senior activities like prom, senior lunch and graduation." Also, "what's fair to other students must be considered."

I took one VERY DEEP breath before responding.

Thank goodness I can think on my feet--this is pretty much verbatim what I said:

My daughter is a student on an independent contract for medical reasons. She is a student in good academic standing in this district and at this school and has never been a discipline problem. I can't fathom what grounds you would have to exclude her from these activities, nor can I imagine how her presence would have a negative affect on any other students. Further, social withdrawal is a component of anorexia and her desire to participate in these activities is a sign of her recovery. Were you to deny her the chance to attend prom, that might threaten her recovery and I would consider that to be a very serious matter. In addition, I would ask you to consider whether or not you would be suggesting excluding my daughter from these events if she had leukemia and was missing school to receive chemotherapy.

Guess who's going to prom?

Also?

The principal has changed her tune considerably after our conversation; I admire someone who allows their views to evolve once they are educated.

 

* We ended up finally getting the work by stopping by the school. Summaries and questions on 14 chapters of Brave New World. There is absolutely no reason she wasn't given these assignments on a daily/weekly basis via email. I have just gotten mad enough to escalate this fight.

 

 

 

Forged in Steel

My daughter is seventeen year's old and she has an anthem (at least I think it should be her anthem):

 

I am in awe of my daughter's strength. I thought she was a cool kid before the eating disorder, but her life had been been pretty easy until then. I think it would be fair to say that she had a textbook childhood of the affluent, suburban American variety. A wonderful childhood doesn't always equate to a strong character though, and you don't really know until someone is tested.

She has been tested. Not just by her eating disorder, but by betrayal from very close friends. She turned to her family, her eating disorder support group and to the use of the incredible skills therapy has given her. She used all the tools at her disposal and it turns out her toolbox runneth over.

And now?

We're going prom dress shopping Friday night.

Prom is in about 10 days and she wasn't planning on going after the events of last week. But it turns out she has other friends and they want her to go to prom with them--and she has the strength to do that even though the safer, easier, no-chance-of-awkwardness choice would be to stay home.

So my daughter and I are going prom dress shopping. And she? Is going to look gorgeous and hold her head high--'cause she's my girl.

 

 

 

 

 

The Eating Disorder Chronicles: Make New Friends

Social Butterfly and I made plans to have a dinner party for some of her closest friends from the eating disorder program (some discharged, some on half-days, some still on full-days) and their parents this past Saturday night.

If you've been a reader for long, you know that where other people might just say, "We really ought to get together sometime . . ." and then never have it happen, I really mean it and I make it so. It's the good part of being a task-oriented person--I rock follow through.

What a blessing it was to have the dinner to look forward to after the horror show that was last week.

We had the best time.

The weather was glorious (which was nice, because we've been having the grayest spring ever) and Mr. Fix-it--sensing that I was as close to overwhelmed as I have ever been (I might have given some pointed hints that I was hanging on by a very thin thread after several sleepless nights)-- had spent Friday and Saturday spring cleaning our house and yard, so everything was sparkling clean and inviting.

We did a potluck (if you ever want to know how to make a 1,000 calorie a serving pasta casserole, I'm your go-to gal) and the food was delicious. Homemade California rolls were one family's contribution and strawberries stuffed with cream cheese/powdered sugar/vanilla were dessert. There was a nice Syrah for the adults and Trader Joe's sparkling pink lemonade for the kids.

If there is anything better for the soul than sitting around the patio, in fading daylight, sharing fine food, drink and conversation with people you like and trust, and have walked through fire alongside, while listening to the sound of your daughters' raucous laughter spilling from the house, than I would love to hear about it.

I am a Girl Scout through and through; I have sung "Make new friends/but keep the old/one is silver and the other's gold/A circle is round/It has no end/That's how long I want to be your friend" more times than I can possibly count.

I may not have sung it out loud Saturday night, but that song was definitely in my heart.

 

 

 

Saying The Right Thing (Plus, Whole Latte Life Winner)

Starting with the winner--by random number generator--#9 . . .

My best friend is my wife :) 20 plus years together, so much new stuff still to share!

Posted by: gary rith | April 12, 2012 at 08:04 AM

Yay for Gary--he's a loyal reader and a wonderful support, so it's time his number came up. Send me your snail mail, Gary and I will put the book in the mail.

On a much less fun front, there is some high school drama going down right now that can only be described as seriously f'ed up in the way that only high school drama can be. It is my hope that some of those involved will come to their senses and realize that being cruel is not only wrong, but will come back to you in the form of karma.

I'm not going to share the sordid details, but I do want to share the most awesome advice that Grownup Girl gave her little sister. I couldn't have said it better myself.

 

Eating Disorder Chronicles: College Looming

MidLyfeMama  left the following comment on my Frazzled post. Her comment is one of the reasons I blog this--other people have powerful life experiences they are willing to share. That helps.

You really do have a lot going on! I need to express a concern that is formed only from what I read here, and not from actually living your life and being involved with SB on a day to day basis so I acknowledge that I am working with limited information. That being said, I have been working with college students for over 20 years now, and I know the challenges that going to college presents to students even under the most ideal circumstances, but I have been witness to the particular challenges faced by students with eating disorders. Some students respond very well to the independence and newly found control they have at college, others spiral right back into old habits and end up in a very bad place with regard to their mental state and ED. One student in particular I found heart breaking. She ended up taking a leave twice over the span of two years to go back into treatment and ultimately withdrew because she simply could not manage college and dealing with her ED at the same time. My concern with SB is that there is this pressure to achieve her goal weight and make progress in time to go to college and that the launch into her college life will come so soon after getting a handle on her ED. I am sure it is something you are talking about, but I needed to say it. I am amazed at both her strength and fortitude but also yours.

Social Butterfly going to college in late August is important to her and her doing so is a communal goal for her, for us and for her treatment team. That said, the only way she is going to leave home for college is to be fully healthy and to have a treatment plan in place in Flagstaff.

Weight restore in the next few weeks, demonstrate an ability to maintain weight, and work toward making solid choices about eating and exercise independently--that's my definition of healthy. Then we need to find a therapist in Flagstaff as well as well as communicate with the student health center for weekly weigh-ins. All of the above is Plan A.

You know me though, and I would never just have a Plan A. Plan B, if the pieces of Plan A are not all in place, is a deferral for a semester or even a year. I would not consider this a failure in any way, just a responsible way to ensure SB has the positive college experience she wants.

I am always about the endgame. The endgame is for SB to be a happy, healthy successful adult able to negotiate life's challenge positively. Whether or not that happens on an arbitrary timeline is not a priority for me.

Thanks for asking and for your input, MidLyfeMama.