I believe you can tell what personality characteristics a person values most by looking at their children's behavior and dress. We parents work hard to ensure that our kids possess those skills or talents we value most.
I came to this realization when my children were fairly young. They were often ahead of their peers in certain behaviors and I realized one day that all those behaviors were related to independence and self-sufficiency. For whatever reason (my family of origin, my personality), I think it's really important to be able to take care of oneself and not be too dependent on others.
I was never a mom to say "don't do that, you'll hurt yourself." Instead I would teach them how to do whatever it was they were wanting to do. When they were toddlers it was conquering the playground equipment, climbing to the top of the slide, learning to pump on the swing at an early age, diving off the high dive at 2+1/2. Much of what my kids did made other mothers at the playground or pool look at me like I was a freaking lunatic. But my thought was that if I didn't teach them to do it, they'd do it anyway when my back was turned and probably get hurt in the process.
I really value my reading personal time. With four kids, if I spent my time doing everything for them, that would be all I ever did. Consequently, they could all pour their own cereal and milk and make a sandwich by the time they were three. Those skills aren't really that hard--what is there to making a sandwich besides getting the bread out, squirting on some mustard, spreading it around with a butter knife, slapping a piece of turkey on it, and eating it? Of course they're not going to do quite the cleanup job I would like, but eventually they'll learn. It's not that I was lazy (in the end, redoing the cleanup job until they learned to do a good job themselves was probably more work than making the sandwich myself), I just wanted them to learn to do it themselves. That extra work I put into teaching them when they were young has paid off in spades as they've gotten older.
A big part of my teaching/parenting was based on natural consequences. If you forget your lunch, you'll go hungry. If you forget your homework, you'll get in trouble with the teacher. If you forget your permission slip, you won't go on the field trip. My kids got one rescue a year--and that started in Kindergarten. I'd bring you your lunch, your musical instrument, your homework packet, your jacket one time. After that, sorry. There have been entire years where I never took anyone anything. They learned pretty quickly to keep track of their own stuff.
Schoolwork followed the same pattern. I wasn't the one going to school--they were. After 3rd grade I didn't even ask if they had homework; I assumed they would know if they did and they would do it. Our home environment was conducive to taking care of business--no TV or video games during the week, ready availability of poster board and other school supplies at all time, but it was their responsibility to keep track of what they needed to do. There have been "F's" on assignments (usually in the elementary grades) and Danger Boy had to make up his first semester of Physics this year in an after school class. He ended his freshman year with a 3.67 though, with no help from his parents whatsoever. Two of my kids have gotten into the colleges of their choice without any involvement on my part (if you don't count the tens of thousands of dollars and the looking at schools).
Chores, both paid and unpaid, have always been important. Everyone in my house, boys and girls, knows how to clean a house--from toilets to baseboards to the inside of the microwave. I have had friends who say their kids don't have time for chores. If I had to choose between giving my kids the opportunity to do chores or to play a sport, I'd pick the chores. Luckily, we've found there's plenty of time for both. The same goes for jobs. They need them to pay for their own gas and entertainment. To those who say their kids don't have time, I say ask yourself this question, "Do they have time to surf the 'net, text their friends, and watch TV?" I rest my case.
This is not to say that all is smooth sailing, I think we frequently have more dissension than families where the parents don't expect the kids to do things on their own. Our kids have been known to grumble and moan. We have been known to grumble and moan. But, and this is a big but, I know that when they are on their own they will be able to get up on time, work hard at college and/or a job, and clean a house, all without any help.
Grown-up Girl and MVP are both mature enough now to let us know they appreciate that they are way more self-sufficient than almost all of their peers.
Back to the beginning and what you know about parents from the way their kids behave; these are some things I've observed: If your child is dressed in a mishmash of colors and their hair is wild, you probably value creativity and disdain conformity. If you do everything for your child and prefer him or her not to be too independent, you may have had to grow up too fast yourself and don't want that for your child. If your child is wearing the haircut you deem appropriate, rather than the one he/she wants, you probably value conformity highly. I myself can let the hair slide, but don't do mismatched clothes.
I'm not saying anyone's way is more valid than the others (well, I do actually have some opinions in that arena, but . . . ), I just find all this a very interesting sociological observation. What is the one thing you are most intent on teaching your children?
