In Memory Of A Life

  My little sister died last night, at the age of 41. She was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer 360 days ago.

Looking at this picture, one can only see potential, a cute baby with a long life ahead of her. It did not turn out that way. We were raised in the same family; not the best family, not the worst family. There was divorce, financial struggles, but also a mother who loved us and showed us the example of hard work and upward mobility.

In the argument of nature versus nurture, I have to give equal weight to both. How else to explain the divergent paths our lives took, almost from birth?

For some reason, my sister was just never happy, never positive.   No matter how hard my mom tried to get to the root of the   problem, to get her help, nothing worked. Almost all my memories of my sister involve the struggle to find a way to reach her, to save her from the torment she inflicted upon herself.

The problems with drugs and alcohol started at age 12. When I look at my own 13 year old daughter I wonder how my mom coped as well as she did. When my sister was a teeanger she was hospitalized for several months and was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I think in retrospect she was also probably Bipolar.

If you have not been affected by someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) you just cannot fathom the heartbreak. My sister was smart, funny, and beautiful. She was also a liar, extraordinarily manipulative, and completely incapable of putting any other person's needs above her own, and that includes the needs of her own children.

She wanted to be a good person, she wanted to be a good mother, she wanted to be a good daughter, she wanted to be a good wife, she wanted to be a good sister, a good aunt, but she wasn't. A few times she came close, and that was enough to keep my mom and I hoping for a very long time. But finally you come to the point where you just knew it was never going to change. And I have been at this point for a very long time. The last few years my sister did some incredibly terrible things, some of which landed her in jail. It is almost a blessing to me that my mom died before the worst of these things happened.

As much as I want to grieve for the loss of my sister, I really cannot. What I grieve for is the life she could have had if only her brain chemistry had been different, if only the psychiatrists would have been able to find the answers, if only that part of her that wanted to change, to be a better person, could have found its footing and fought its way past all the bad stuff to take charge.

My grief is really for her children, and her ex-husband. For as hard as it was to be her sister, it was much harder to be her child. Along with the grief, I must admit to a small amount of hope. Maybe now they will be able to get help, to heal, and to move forward. And that is the thing that breaks my heart the most; that losing their mother may be the only opportunity they have to find themselves.

I hope with all my heart that she is finally, for the first time in her life, in a place where that corner of goodness in her heart is all that is left of her, and that there is peace for her tormented soul.

This is hard to read, and was even harder to write. I worry that those of you who have never been touched by BPD will not understand, and I will sound callous. But maybe someone will read this who is at a different place in their journey with someone with BPD and will be helped by knowing they are not alone. I guess this is the ultimate it keeping it real.  

Comments

[teresa]

Denise - I am sorry about your sister and yes this was hard to read. We have a neice who has been diagnosed as bipolar - as long as she takes her medications - she does fine.

We also have a former sister-in-law who refused (still does) to cooperate with her treatment - the result -one crack addicted baby born to her that her parents are raising - one dead child killed be her negligence in an auto accident (she was dui) and an 18 year old who sees no reason to become a contibuting member of society - one child who was raised to a little over a year as one of our neices only to be claimed by another man after that year (he now has full custody of that child - she is smart and funny and beautiful and adjusting quite well).

I - like you - gave up the hope for any kind of resolution for her - we were just happy to be rid of it after the divorce. Then the Brittany Spears thing came up and every new bit of news says that there are others suffering from the same issues out there. We constantly make comparisons to the situation at my house.

I pray for healing for all of you affected by this.

[CircusKelli]

I am so sorry for your loss. Although I haven't been affected by someone with BPD, I can imagine it must have been terribly difficult for her, and for those around her. I do not think you are callous at all. This was a lovely post. Truly.
You and your family will be in my thoughts.

((Hugs))

[Jen M]

I am so terribly, terribly sorry for your loss.

What a beautiful post for your sister.

You are in my thoughts.

[Reluctant Blogger]

This was a beautiful post and not for a moment did it sound callous. It is just unrendingly sad for everyone involved. And I am sorry for your loss now and for everything you have all lost along the way.

It always amazes me when I look down at a tiny baby - like that gorgeous photo of your sister - that they are a person, largely pre-programmed to go this way or that. Like you say, nurture does play a part but some things are just set down and we have no way of knowing when we look down at our babies, what they will be like.

[She She]

You don't sound callous. You sound loving and forgiving and realistic. I'm sorry for your pain -- for her death, for her terribly hard life, for the damage she did to herself and to the people you love. Bless you and her children.

[Little Miss Sunshine State]

This was real and honest. Your daughter has been blessed that you have been her mother.

[Mrs. G.]

This is so sad. A life wasted...I feel as bad for her as I do for her family. Jeez, 41?

[Wenderina]

You truly touched me with this post. Although I have not been exposed to BPD, I feel as though I have caught a glimpse of it through your eyes.

I turned 41 today. I'll think of your sister today and wish as you do that she has found peace at last.

[debbie]

You wrote what was in your heart...and sometimes that is the hardest to put down. After reading all of what she went through in her 41 years, she was incredibly lucky to have been surrounded by people who, even though it must have been so hard, loved her very much. Her children are lucky to have you and your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you all....the healing will come.

[kalurah]

I am so very sorry, Jenn.
I have no experience with BPD but after all you and your family and her family went through, I think it's easy to understand your feelings.
Peace be with you, friend.

[Mary Alice]

I am so sorry...on so many levels.

[ms_teacher]

My maternal grandmother died at the age of 45 from a heart aneurysm. She had been married and divorced multiple times. Like your sister, she had many demons and left behind four children struggling to make sense out their mother's life and death. She was very young when she had my mom (barely 16 years old), but regardless, it always seemed that her needs were always put ahead of her kids.

I am almost positive that if my grandmother were alive today she more than likely would have been diagnosed with some type of mental illness.

I am so sorry for the loss of your sister. I hope that her children will be able to get some counseling to help them through the grieving process.

(Another of my blogger friends California Teacher Guy (http://californiateacherguy.blogspot.com/) also experienced a loss in his family today.)

[bipolarlawyercook]

I'm sorry to hear about such a sad result. It sounds like your sister's children have an aunt who can help them get to know who their mom really was, good and bad, when they're ready.

[krishanna]

I so totally understand and get it. I have family members whose death made me feel sad because they missed so much of what could have been. Warmly~ Krishanna

[Richgold]

We have mental health issues in our family. My mother wished that it wouldn't show itself when her sibling never married and never had children.

It's showing up in a 16 year old niece. There might be more, but the other children are still too young to confirm.

It's hard. It's sad.

Thank you for sharing your story. It's nice to know there is a life after death.

[Janet]

I'm sorry to hear about your sister's passing...

[Laura]

I was sent here by a friend.

Im SO sorry about your sister.

It was hard to read.....but I can honestly say, I know what you have been thru. I am going thru it with my only sister who is 5 1/2 years older than I am.

I am 44 years old, and feel that my entire life has been spent trying to cope with her and every personal, emotional, physical and financial mess she has created. Its exhausting...for Me, my parents, her kids, her ex- husband, our family and everyone she comes in concact with.

Thank you for writing this. I know it couldnt have been easy for you.

And like you, I hope my niece and nephew can someday see that life ISNT what they were exposed to by her and how messed up she is. It is so much more.

I wish you and your family well. And again, Im sorry for your loss.

[Just Jamie]

Jenn,
Just read this for the first time. The struggles you and your family faced during your sister's life must have been difficult and confusing. The hope we have for our loved ones to live life to its fullest is relentless. So glad for GrownUp Girl that she has you, Mr. Fix-it and the family. You are safe and enriching ways must have brought much comfort over the years.

[Just Jamie]

*Your* safe and enriching ways...

(Chase is on my arm right now.)

[Trudie]

Just came across this today... Your ability to share of your compassion and understanding even when the subject matter is a tough one is an inspiration.

[Gina]

I came here via your Father's Day post and just wanted to say that I understand what you went through with your sister. You did not sound callous at all. My oldest son has BPD. I love him but I am relieved that he isn't living with us now. It's just so, so hard.

[magpie]

Heartbreaking.