BipolarLawyerCook is one of my favorite bloggers. Even though we would appear to not have not much in common on the surface (different ages, geographical opposition, different careers; this list goes on), her writing often speaks to my heart.
One thing we do have in common is growing up in a dysfunctional family. When I hear people say their family "puts the fun in dysfunctional," I always respond with, "Really? My family put the dysfunction in dysfunctional."
BLC's post at RealMental the other day, about control issues, has really got me thinking. To borrow the phrasing from Tootsie Farklepants, I might may absolutely have been accused of being "Controlly McController" a time or two. I had no idea this was a characteristic of adult children of alcoholics. In fact, I've been so pleased with my own strong mental health in the face of pretty much every member of my biological family suffering from serious mental illnesses (schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, depression, myriad addictions), that I've never really contemplated the ways in which my environment formed me.
I wonder what it means when half the list of characteristics totally doesn't apply to you at all, but some of them really describe you. Having difficulty having fun. I can totally have fun--just as soon as all the work is done. Extreme responsibility or irresponsibility. I believe we've covered this territory. Overreacting to things over which they have no control. Um, no. I pretty much have it arranged that I'm always in control (hence the Controlly McControllerness that is me).
Since I so don't have the time or money for therapy, I'll just have to keep reading blogs--maybe I'll get some more flashes of insight from my newfound addiction hobby. I'm not sure what I plan on doing with this insightful knowledge--it's pretty doubtful I'll be giving up my control issues anytime soon--except maybe for recognizing that the fact I have control issues is . . . out of my control!
In response to your question/heads up, definitely a good thing.
Thank god I'm not all ACOA. I'm nuts enough as it is. But knowing can be a powerful means of recognition and response-- even w/out therapy (which I did w/out for years) and self-help books, which I can't abide, for the most part.
We have lots in common, btw-- we are both smart, strong, capable women who are excellent writers. You're hard to keep up with!
Posted by: Bipolarlawyercook | March 20, 2008 at 12:24 PM
Loving the raw parts of you today.
As a teacher myself, kudos to you for heading to the classroom. We can be all Controlly McController-like in there. Mwaahahaha. No, truly, it's that place where we create and maintain the stable environment we may have never had.
Posted by: Jamie | March 20, 2008 at 12:26 PM
having difficulty having fun...extreme responsibility...overreacting to things for which i have no control...okay, question: why are we talking about me? thank you, really, but you should be concentrating on you! :)
seriously! i was reading this and i was like "uhm, yeah, that'd be me! uhm, okay, here's another one.."
i think perhaps i, too (altho my fam would never confirm it) came from a dysfunctional family (do 4 sisters who are all older and wanted to be the boss of me count?)...but then again, perhaps i am too dysfunctional to recognize it!
this was good. and, no, i don't have money for therapy either...i just surf the internet for the answers! :)
Posted by: rebecca | March 20, 2008 at 02:57 PM
My Dad was an alcoholic, but it gave me no control issues whatsoever. Nope. None.
Excuse me while I go take another Paxil.
Seriously, I have been to therapy for full-blown panic attacks that hit after my kids were born. My husband is on meds for OCD. My best friend is on meds/therapy for depression. And all three of our shrinks said that our symptoms are manifestations of a deep-seated desire for control, control, control.
That's another reason why having kids is good for you. Like it or not, you're forced to relinquish the reigns.
Posted by: The Mom Bomb | March 20, 2008 at 04:40 PM
I'm with the Mom Bomb on why kids are good for us Controlly McController types. Just one of the many lessons sent our way.
I enjoyed your food for thoughts today!
Posted by: JCK | March 20, 2008 at 04:56 PM
I'm with you - there was certainly NO fun in my dysfunctional childhood!
...and I have to try very hard to rein in my control freak tendencies - not easy!
Posted by: Domestically Challenged | March 20, 2008 at 05:52 PM
Wow...
we really do have alot in common....
I refer to myself sometimes as:
President Boss of controlville.
Get on board, or get left behind. :)
Posted by: Suzanne | March 20, 2008 at 06:05 PM
The controlling thing is so true. My Mom is an ACOA and I worked in a chemical dependency unit as a secretary while in college and saw a list of characteristics and the light bulb went off. Now I wonder if there is a list about being and adult child of an adult child of an alcoholic?
Posted by: Wenderina | March 20, 2008 at 07:51 PM
A good friend and I just talked about this exact topic today. We both know someone who is extremely controlling and just found out she grew up in a house of alcoholics. Makes perfect sense now. To finally have control of your life when it must have felt out of control as a child.
Knowing this will make me more understanding.
Posted by: LifeAsIKnowIt | March 20, 2008 at 09:39 PM
"Since I so don't have the time or money for therapy..."
You know, most days I care less about health care for everyone, and think that if everyone just had a really good therapist, the world would spin more smoothly.
But yes, in absence of that, at least the blogging world has let me know I'm not alone. And sometimes, that's half my battle won.
Posted by: Jozet at Halushki | March 20, 2008 at 09:49 PM
"Since I so don't have the time or money for therapy..."
You know, most days I care less about health care for everyone, and think that if everyone just had a really good therapist, the world would spin more smoothly.
But yes, in absence of that, at least the blogging world has let me know I'm not alone. And sometimes, that's half my battle won.
Posted by: Jozet at Halushki | March 20, 2008 at 09:50 PM
"Since I so don't have the time or money for therapy..." -- have you seen In Treatment on HBO? That's my other insight other than the virtual therapy you can get from friends' accounts (it's how I learned the lingo -- oh, I'm *triangulating*).
Posted by: MamaBird | March 20, 2008 at 10:39 PM
I still haven't figured out what my issues are.
Posted by: Smalltown Mom | March 20, 2008 at 10:56 PM
I'm right there with ya sister.
When I was living in NY I couldn't afford therapy and went to CFS (Children and Family Services)This was the early 80's and it was $10 a session. I'm sure there's a CFS near you and although it might not be $10 it's bound to be reasonable.
Posted by: Suzy | March 20, 2008 at 11:40 PM
We are soul sisters.
Posted by: Cheri | March 21, 2008 at 01:18 AM
Just wanted to make sure you've got this one:
http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Alcoholics-Janet-Woititz/dp/1558741127/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1206103242&sr=8-1
My answer to 'fun in dysfunctional' is: "How can you become well adjusted if you've never had anything from which to adjust?"
Control isn't so bad as long as it's within reason. We are who we are. I must go alphabetize the spices now...
Posted by: Manic Mommy | March 21, 2008 at 08:44 AM
So...you don't plan to take control of your control issues?
And, I'm sorry, but with 4 teens in the house, you need to have some control!
Posted by: suburbancorrespondent | March 21, 2008 at 10:13 PM
Maybe we should start our own social blogging network, Control Freaks R Us?
Posted by: Grandy | March 22, 2008 at 02:22 AM