Tears for Fears

I'm not wordless this Wednesday and I have no pictures for you.

I didn't sleep well last night and I am definitely missing my trademark optimism. The tragedy I posted about yesterday has hit me so hard. Maybe I'll feel totally differently about things tomorrow, but right now I'm hanging on by a thread.

I was going through pictures a couple of weeks ago and found one of Danger Boy's sixth birthday party--the girl that killed her mother was in that picture as a smiling, bunny ear giving, cute little girl. Of course when I looked at the picture I just thought, "I wonder how she's up to." Then I picked up a different picture. Now that first picture is frozen in my mind in day-glo, indelible ink.

I lost my sister in January and a close friend last month and now this. I think what I really need is a good cry--something I haven't done. I cried a little in Costco on my son's 18th birthday when I realized that I'd been so focused on planning the memorial service for Thom that I hadn't baked MVP a cake (homemade birthday cakes are a pretty big thing to me). But I was in the bakery department at Costco and I am a WASP so it's entirely possible I was able to breakdown in such a way that it wasn't noticeable to anyone else.

Since I don't do anything spur of the moment, I think I'm going to need to schedule a cry this week. I'm pretty sure it needs to be that or I'm going to seriously go the stuffing your emotions with food route--I'm already perilously close to doing that.

I used to be able to cry over everything; these days? Nada. Did I waste all my tears on stupid things in my twenties? The tears over my husband being an hour late without a phone call were probably not necessary.  Know I need those tears for things like people dying and they are nowhere to be found. What's up with that?

What will it take I wonder? I've never watched Sophie's Choice and I hear that's a pretty sad movie. I think I might have to toss some inhibition loosening alcohol into the mix. So on my list of things to do this week are drink and cry. I think I want to do it alone, which would make it a daytime activity and that's a little odd. I'll have to think about it.

Does anyone else have any ideas on how to bring out a good cry in a highly controlled, pragmatic person? Or maybe I should be doing something else I haven't thought of. I'm open to anything. Advise me my blog friends! I'll be sure to report back--perhaps complete with a puffy-eyed, smeared mascara, runny nose photo if I'm successful and courageous.

Comments

[Melanie]

Movies always work for me. And Godspeed by the Dixie Chicks. Good luck.

[Tootsie Farklepants]

Good crying movies: Kramer v Kramer, Steel Magnolias, Terms of Endearment, and ohmygod I never cried harder than I did watching Brokeback Mountain.

[CC]

No helpful words here. I can still cry at most anything. Big hugs though on these tough times. :(

[Jason]

Oh man what a nightmare. What a horrific story!

I think as far as crying goes, you just gotta do what comes naturally at the time. Maybe you're just beyond crying about this. Maybe it's just the sick feeling in your stomach kind of thing.

Gross.

[thematically fickle]

Just let it flow.
Sending thoughts.

[Cheri @ Blog This Mom!]

Music. The right song.

Tomorrow we shall speak of many things.

Good night Sweetheart.

[Erica]

Steel Magnolias is always available to pencil in a crying session. Mixing with wine and you'll being crying yourself a river. On a less sarcastic note..... sounds like everything is catching up with you and you need to let go ..I'm just a phone call or e-mail away.. :)

[Domestically Challenged]

We're all pretty proficient cryers in this house...so that's difficult to answer - maybe just relax...and allow yourself to cry?
...I'm sure it will happen when you are ready.
Big Hugs
Hen

[debbie]

A good cry is great and soooo cleansing for the soul....after watching an interview where one female performer said that she cried...every night..in the bath to help keep herself optimistic and balanced, I tend to do that whenever I can.
As for something to make me cry...oh my...Amazing Grace will do it every time (go to Trish's blog...she's posted an awesome video...I'm still sniffling!!)...
I'm sending good thoughts your way...go to the beach...go any place to find the strength you need...I usually go to the church and sit quiet and peacefulness.

[manager mom]

I am so sorry to hear about this tragedy. I don't know what to say, or what anyone can say that can help make sense of it.

For me, the tears will eventually come. It might be when I least expect it, like in the checkout line or in the middle of something mundane and ordinary.

[Mary Alice]

I agree, Steel Magnolia's gets me everytime.

I am so sorry that life is throwing so much at you right now Jenn. I understand that feeling.

I had to giggle a little about your Costco breakdown because Saturday I went to Costco and saw a woman who looked very much like my mother but older and shaky and frail...I started to cry because it just hit me that I really miss my mom and I don't get to see her enough.....well that and everything else.

Maybe we should just go back to Costco together and have ourselves a big cathartic weep fest!

[amy]

My thoughts are with you right now, Jenn. Sometimes everything gets you all at once and that just doesn't seem fair.

As for the crying, it will just happen. When I was young, I use to be the one who would crack up laughing when I was nervous. Now, If something gets my heart, my tears flow like a faucet,and I have no control. Steel Magnolias would definitely do it for me too! Hang in there.

[kcinnova]

Oh, Jenn. Your hurt makes me hurt.

As far as making the tears flow, I have had good results with a book by LaVyrle Spencer called "Then Came Heaven" -- it should be easily found at your local library.
When my husband was deployed, I shut down enough to not cry easily so I could handle life as a (geographically) single parent; sad stories were my outlet for tears.

[Karen]

I personally would go with a good movie. Although I cry over Grey's Anatomy weekly, do you watch, that one might help.
However, I with those that think yours will come when you least expect it. I'm guessing during some planning for MVP's prom or graduation.
Sending good ju-ju your way, seems you could use some.

[MamaMo]

Tragic loss, even of a stranger, is difficult to grapple with. I may not be a good gauge, because I cry over Hallmark ads, but definitely a heart-wrenching movie could jump start a fully cathartic cry. I agree with Steel Magnolias or Terms of Endearment. I'll keep your community in my thoughts/prayers.

[Denise]

***HUGS*** to you.

Maybe a movie, some good music, and wine always helps.

Go rent Steel Magnolias.

Feel better soon!!

[Suzanne]

Jenn, I don't think you can force it. The emotions will work themselves out eventually. Perhaps when you are at Sam's club next time. I am sorry you are going through so much...They say bad comes in "three's". I think you have hit it for the year.
I, have shed some tears over this story. I cry at the drop of a hat. Maybe one day I will run out as well. Kinda looking forward to that....

[suburbancorrespondent]

Not Sophie's Choice! Too depressing. Go for one of the traditional tearjerkers.

I think the difficulty crying thing is hormonal, and it gets harder to do as we head through or past menopause. Women's emotional tears have something to do with prolactin, and I don't think we have so much of that hormone once we are past the baby-making years.

[Hilary]

I'm the opposite. I used to appear to have a heart of steel. Didn't cry over sad movies.. sad songs.. or even deaths.. mostly. Now it's waterworks no matter the reason.. damn menopause! I agree with the others though.. it'll come when it needs to. Maybe when you're angry over something small. Maybe when you're frustrated over a shoelace always coming undone. Maybe when you're startled by a box falling out of your cupboard. It'll come and you'll feel better. And we'll see pics of you with raccoon eyes! Well maybe not but you will feel better. Sending a virtual box of tissues your way. You'll make use of them when needed. :)

[Alesia]

Oh, god, that's an awful story.

Sophie's Choice will unleash the tears, although I wouldn't recommend it. Once you watch the scene of Meryl Streep having to choose between her two children, you will replay it in your mind for a long time.

How about something a little more harmless like Steel Magnolias, or a Hallmark commercial (which I'm sure you can find on YouTube).

I hope things look up for you soon.

[The Girl Next Door]

A terrible story and I'm so sorry - but my tears flow when I see a sappy commercial, heck I STILL can cry when I think of the McDonald's commercial during the last episode of M*A*S*H* when the big brother gives his little sister the french fries. I do think relaxing and letting yourself cry might be part of it? Big Hugs to you my cyberfriend...

[Just Jamie]

If the gorgeous advice above has not yet worked on you ... it's worked on me.

My guess is that the tears will come when least expected, like in the car when Jeff & Jer say something goofy. Although you are so tempered and collected, I suppose it will have to be on the schedule. So put it on ink. 2:00 -- a god cry.

Jenn, you inspire me. Really, you do.

[Fannie]

What a year. I suggest a glass of wine and a hot bath. You might need to be alone for this. No planning, no organizing, just quiet.

[LifeAsIKnowIt]

Terms of Endearment was on tv a few weeks ago and I could't stop crying even though I had seen it a hundred times before.
I have found that the good cries happen when you least expect it.
I hope you feel better. Sounds like you've had a lot to deal with lately.
Thoughts are with you.

[AlphaDogMa]

Those Church of Latter Day Saints commercials and the ending of Star Wars Revenge of the Sith when they bury Padme. Yeah, I'm a geek AND I'm sap. Horrible combination.

Ooh. I could have my mom call and be passive aggressive. THAT is always good for some tears. You want her number? She is VERY good.

[Mike Golch]

just sit down and say Lord Help me with this grief.

[Janet]

it helps me to go to the beach...at night. the waves sooth and help with the release of crying.

[Stu]

Sometimes a good walk in the woods will do it. Nobody around and you can take all the time you need. I think it is hard to let it all go at home because your regular stuff is around. Away from it all you can let your guard down.

Hope your heart feels better after whatever method you try.

-Stu

[Mrs. G.]

Whenever I get a massage, I cry. Plus I always feel better after. Sending good thoughts.

[coffeeyogurt]

I'm very sorry about this tragedy and can certainly understand why this is hitting you (esp on the heels of two close losses). It's hard thinking about this murder from an uninvolved distance, let alone a family you know firsthand. They will all be in my thoughts.

Re your movie idea, I think your instincts are good ones, Jenn. In many situations, esp when someone grieving but feels "blocked" from crying I recommend finding/planning private time, relaxing (hot bath, good idea) followed by tear jerker movies. Terms of Endearment is a good one (if a little long) but the one that unleashes buckets (for me) is Shadowland (Debra Winger, Anthony Hopkins). I tear up just thinking about it. Emotions are tricky business. Sometimes its very therapeutic to plan our "emotional break down" instead of letting it creep up on us at an inconvenient time.

[melissa]

The tears are good--I'm also a person who requires prompting, though. Or at least some good commercials for Hallmark cards. I can understand your blockage--that's a lot to process in a short span of time.

[Susan]

I relate to your crying issue. I used to cry at the silliest things, like burning supper, or anything sentimental. But I have had alot of grief in my life. My dad died of emphasemia in 93, and my mom died of a sudden heart attach in 98 at the age of 59. I seem to grow up in a hurry, at the age of 37, I felt like the head of my family. So I grew strong and tuff at emotional things. Sometimes I think people look at me at being uncaring, I just don't show my emotions in public. But every now and then something does hit me and the tears will not stop, like they are built up.

Good luck, I'm sure somethink will hit you, and it will pour out!

[Heidi]

Oh Jenn, just checking and catching up. I am shocked, saddened and so sorry for the girl and her family, and for you as well. I wish I could give you a big hug - that usually brings out tears in me.

Heidi

[Kristen]

I am so sorry that you have been having such an awful time. Sounds like you have been so busy with life, you haven't had time to slow down and mourn. I think your instincts are right, maybe taking some quiet time to yourself, doing nothing except maybe being pampered. (Massage can be a good cry inducer)A little alcohol and a sad movie can be super effective.Just take the time for yourself and allow yourself to connect with your inner girl. She needs you.

[Kellan]

You have had a bad time lately - that is for sure and you deserve a good cry. A cry would help. I'm not a cryer either. I hope you find peace - however you go about it. I am here for you. Kellan

[the mama bird diaries]

I am so sorry for everything you are dealing with. :)

[Gina]

Jenn, I'm so sorry.

[LaskiGal]

I'm so sorry. Just catching up and this just yanks at my heart . . . for you. For the family.

I hope you get that good cry . . .

My grandma used to say that a good cry is just the heart turning around and looking toward the sun. I remember never really getting that, but now, I think I do.

[Jennifer H]

I probably should have read this post first.

These days, I can never seem to cry when it's appropriate. But any other time is fair game. I don't know why it is. You're definitely due for a good cry.

[standing still]

First time visiting here... I'm like you. Tears seem to come less frequently these days. Unless there is child involved ... a child reaching a milestone (I always cry at baptisms). Sad movies don't do it for me, tho'. However, I've been known to cry at commercials where kids learn to ride bikes. Isn't that dumb.

Life is funny strange isn't it? When something like this, something that isn't supposed to happen, happens so close? Just gives you pause, makes you hug your kids a little longer, watch them sleep a little more often, tell people you love them every day ....

[gina]

After seeing your most recent post I had to keep back tracking to get the full story. 1) Yup, you are pretty darn funny when you are drunk. 2) I am so sorry to hear about your losses. 3) I am not a "cryer" either- I don't cry when I'm "supposed" to, I shut it all in, but then the tears come out at the craziest times- like a "touching"(term used loosely- depending on my stress level) commercial- which gives my kids lots of material with which to jest me. :) If you find a sure thing- let me know. :)

[JCK]

Sending HUGE HUGS. Movies can help. Also, strangely enough, a good massage. (I used to be a MT.)