My Momma Told Me There'd Be Days Like This

We're leaving on vacation for a week (yay, can't wait) on Friday. It might be just in the nick of time. My BIL and nephew, Gangsta Boy are going to be with us a while longer than originally anticipated. Really, I saw it coming right away. I mean "the economy sucks" is plastered on every newspaper and t.v. news report; BIL is definitely not the only person looking for a job right now. We're all readjusting our expectations a bit. For the most part it's gone swimmingly (or at least floatingly). My BIL is anxious to help around the house, cook dinner once in a while, and he's job hunting like mad. The cousins are very happy together.

Dealing with Gangsta Boy is excellent training for me and my teaching career. The thing I have the hardest time dealing with from kids is disrespect. It. Sets. My. Teeth. On. Edge. GB and I have a difference of opinion about what constitutes disrespect. He calls it "being funny." I'm of the opinion that true humor requires knowing your audience and a little thing called "timing."

What is the thing teachers have been complaining about with him since 3rd grade? Disrespectful attitude. His brand is pretty quiet and under the breath and somewhat passive-aggressive. He doesn't have a shot at turning his academic career (4 years of failing multiple classes each semester) around unless he gets a handle on the respect thing.

So many of his issues and behaviors are so clearly linked to the way my sister lived her life and the example she set for him (number one--it's always someone else's fault) that it's easy to see why he behaves the way he does.

Yet, what favor would I do to him by making allowances? The rest of the world does. Not. Care. So I'm taking the tougher road of confrontation and consequences with a liberal dose of explaining why it has to be this way. Will it work? Only time will tell.

In the meantime, I'm going on vacation tomorrow. I cannot wait.

Comments

[Jennifer H]

Sounds like you could use a vacation. Have a great time!

[Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy]

The respect thing is a big deal in our house right now. We're working on it but I feel like I'm failing somehow because I can't get a handle on it. Shoot, that was a downer, sorry. Have a great time Jenn!

[AlphaDogMa.]

Oh yeah. That's my issue, too. Lay down the law. He might not get it now, but in 10 years you'll be a mythological figure for him.

Enjoy your vacay.

[Trudie]

You're doing the right thing. GB is certain to hate you some days right now - but like AlphaDogMa pointed out, that'll change.
Some days you'll feel like throwing in the towel and there is bound to be tears involved, just know that it'll be worth it in the end.

[grumpy momma]

Having been a teacher and a parent, its much, much easier being a teacher and getting respect. I liked teaching the (for lack of a better word) "lowest level" kids, who often were considered disrespectful with many teachers. A lot of the time I figured out it was because a., they didn't want to look "stupid, and b, they felt like teachers had never liked them anyway, so why not make the first move.

I rarely, rarely had problems with disrespect. Right off the bat, I made sure the kids knew I liked them, and we set a tone of "there is no stupid here, just missing pieces in your knowledge." The other thing was, consequences are not personal. If you are late, I still like you, I still love you, and you have detention. Humor helped, too.

Once those kids knew you genuinely liked them, cared for them , and believed in them, they'd help keep each other in line.
I have no clue how to do it as a parent. (There is no detention!)

[Mary Alice]

I hope you have a fun and restorative time on vacation.

[Toni]

Thanks for commenting on my post at On The Flipside!

Sounds like you need a vacation and that GB has finally found someone who cares enough to call him on his bad behavior....

[MereCat]

Teenagers are hard. So hard. I think your approach is a good one, being tough but with LOTS of explanation. I bet it'll click with him. Enjoy your vacay!

[kcinnova]

Enjoy your vacation!
May you find plenty of refreshment and energy for the challenges ahead. I know you can meet them head-on and someday GB will thank you for it. Tough love isn't fun, but it is love.

[suburbancorrespondent]

You go, girl! Kids can't really respect themselves when they are being disrespectful of others. Our first demand is always, always respect. Eye rolls, mutterings, etc., are not allowed! Unless the teen enjoys writing "I will not roll my eyes at my mother" 100 times, that is.

[Kalynne Pudner]

I've got a sotto voce comedian in my house, too, and it's landed him in detention more times than fit on his official disciplinary record sheet. I wonder if I can exchange him for one of those lovely Brazilians who feel bad about letting someone else do their laundry. Just for a little while, I mean.

[Madge]

We've been having the respect conversation with my six year old.

If you can turn your nephew around he will thank you for the rest of his life. What a tough job. What a lucky boy that he landed in your house. Stay strong. and enjoy that vacation!

[Cheri @ Blog This Mom!]

Breathe deep! Your nephew? He will never be confused about who loves him. Even if he's acting like it. And have a fabulous vacation.

[Angie @ Keep Believing]

Jenn, seriously, your parenting style and your interaction with your family is truly inpsiring. I have nothing but the utmost respect for you.

Kudos to your BIL for all he is attempting. There are many waiting for jobs to fall into their laps. Ain't gonna happen.

KEEP BELIEVING

[LifeAsIKnowIt]

Have a great vacation! You definitely deserve it!

[ms_teacher]

Know that you are doing right by him. It is what has always worked for me in my classroom and it's why I seldom have problems with discipline.

[Fannie]

Hope you can let go and relax on your vacation. And I hope someday GB realizes that you did what was best for him and his future.

[Kristen]

Have an amazing vacation and good luck with GB, sounds like you are on the right track.

[gary]

Gives me shivers, because an attitude like that combined with failing grades is training for either working in 7-11 the rest of your life or a long stay in prison.

[Susan]

Keep up the good work with GB, he will eventually grow up and realize what you have done for him. My daughter, now 26, realizes, we were not the meanest mom and dad ever, and she was the only one with a curfew, etc., etc. She thanks us for the rules and boundaries because it made her into a better person. Son, now 22, and in college, still a work in progress.

[MamaHenClucks]

Why is it that respect seems to be such a difficult thing for some kids? We have always required our kids to be respectful and yet there are days when it just flys out the window and it becomes the topic of the day. Hang in there with GB because someday he will really appreciate that you love him enough to do something.

Enjoy your vacation!

[mandy]

As I've mentioned before, I'm a former teacher. There is nothing a kid can do faster to ruin his chances for a teacher's extra help and extra effort than to be disrespectful. I'm sure your training will help him come a long way.

[Janet]

With your strong will, I'm betting it will work!

[Shelia]

You are so doing the right thing, and he will LOVE you for it. Maybe not right now, but he will.

As a teacher, I can't do the disrespect thing, either. Since I teach high school, it can be tough. First of the year, we always read the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens. The kids love it. Most of them get it. I think it's one of the best gifts I can give them. The rest of the years is built upon the very principles taught in the book.

When do you start teaching? Glad to have you in the profession!

[Memarie Lane]

I used to have GB's problem, when I was in my 20's. I decided I was going to be honest no matter what, and to say anything, even if it was rude, as long as it was funny. I mean, if you watch a sitcom, all the stuff the fake audience is laughing at is usually rude in some way. Then I said something rude to my boss once, and he took me aside and told me that my attitude was really hurtful, that it was not funny, and I needed to consider what it would be like on the other side of the conversation.

[Tricia]

Good for you. Sending thoughts of strength and resolve your way.

[melissa]

YOU are a GOOD person to address that with him. I've had those students in the past and nobody wanted to address it--too confrontational. I always did--by explaining that their behavior undermined any success they might have. Sometimes kids had no idea how they were perceived. Sometimes they did but were startled that anyone called them on the carpet about it. Sometimes it just didn't matter because they were assholes. I hope your nephew gets it and corrects himself.

[Claudia]

I think a parent needs to be strong, even at the risk of being a little too strict, as long as everything is on the table and communication is open and encouraged. It's worked thus far for our ankle biters. Gods willing it will continue to.

[Jason]

Oh, joy. This kind of stuff is so hard for me to deal with. At home. It is much easier for me to not take any flack from kids.

[Limbic Resonance]

Good for you. Sounds like he needs a little tough love.

And enjoy your vacation!!!

[magpie]

Have a good vacation.

[Angela]

Enjoy your break!
Too much family is sometimes too much.

Smiles!

[Carrie]

He sounds just like my nephew. Are we related?

Seriously though, I think the loving advice you are gicing him will either sink in or not - and you're doing all that you can for the boy.

Now, go have fun on vacation! :)

[Trooper Thorn]

Sometimes it takes an entire county or state to raise a child. You can provide a different adult perspective on behavior from the one GB has been getting.

Thanks for your comments about Favre's 'Stay Home' pay. I'll let you know what I can negotiate. Maybe Cheeseheads for everyone!

[Suzy]

I WAS that sotto voce teenager slash horror and it all came down to being very angry at my parents. Many reasons best saved for another day but the more I was disciplined, it seemed like the worse I got.

I finally stopped when I left home at 17 and never went back. Some kids are just not meant to be with their parents. I was one of them.

[fornetti]

I do not believe this