January 12 was the first anniversary of my sister's death. In a strange coincidence (or a piece of kismet--depending on your perspective) Time magazine ran this article on Borderline Personality Disorder.
I hope that many people read the article--especially those affected by this terrible condition, the sufferers themselves and their families, who often suffer as much or more as those with the condition.
I was moved to write a letter to the editor--it is Time magazine, so who knows if they'll publish it or not, but hey! I have a blog, I can publish it myself!
My sister was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder as a teenager in the 1970's. How I wish that I some point before my reading this article my family would have become familiar with the work of Marsha Linehan--though I'm not sure it would have made a difference once my sister was an adult. She refused to ever consider that she might have a mental illness, instead characterizing her problems (in classic BPD fashion) as the fault of the world around her.
The wake of pain and devastation my sister's disease left in her path will likely be felt by grandchildren she will never meet. Her children and ex-husband have been irreparably damaged and my mother's heart broken. For me, I spent a lifetime trying to reconcile how a person whose heart was as good as I know my sister's was could willfully (it appeared) hurt so many people for so many years.
Sadly, it was her death from cancer last year, at age 41, that allowed our family to begin to heal. I cannot tell you how terrible it feels to think that thought and type those words and know they are the truth. I hope your article, and Marsha Linehan, provide help to people with BPD and their families, who are now suffering as we did
.
Whew! BPD is a tough one! I've read a lot about it and narcissism (my mom is a narcissist!), and both of these illnesses wreak havoc on families.
I'm sorry for the suffering your sister endured and for the suffering she caused your family.
May your family continue to heal!
Posted by: she | January 19, 2009 at 12:24 AM
I'm sorry to read the pain in this post.My mom was taken by cancer in 2003,she had lived a full life.and got to see my sister give her grandchildren. At least one of the three of us could.
By the Grace of God healing comes to all.
Posted by: mike golch | January 19, 2009 at 12:36 AM
Oh, Jenn. I remember reading about your sister's passing. I know it was a sad, devastating time for you and your family. But, like you said, it has been a time to heal. Perhaps with time comes understanding and acceptance. Perhaps it just gives us time to let the scars fade . . . if even a little.
Posted by: LaskiGal | January 19, 2009 at 01:12 AM
I know how tough it is to deal with a loved one with mental illness. Your strength and your willingness to love your sister (with conditions that needed to be set, I'm sure) is an inspiration to me.
Posted by: ms_teacher | January 19, 2009 at 01:47 AM
Jenn, that was a powerful letter. They SHOULD publish it.
Posted by: JCK | January 19, 2009 at 02:02 AM
A powerful and heart-felt letter. Kudos to you, Jenn, for turning your pain into awareness for others.
Posted by: kcinnova | January 19, 2009 at 02:24 AM
*hugs*
Posted by: Jen on the Edge | January 19, 2009 at 05:40 AM
God bless you, Jenn. Give yourself a big hug from me to you.
Posted by: blognut | January 19, 2009 at 06:25 AM
not sure words will be adequate but I'll send a hug anyway
Posted by: gary | January 19, 2009 at 09:03 AM
May your family's healing continue.
Mental illness is an isidious disease that affects everyone with whom it comes in contact.
Posted by: Manic Mommy | January 19, 2009 at 09:29 AM
I am so sorry for you and your family. All of you will be in my prayers.
Posted by: Melissa | January 19, 2009 at 10:37 AM
What a great way to remember your sister.
Posted by: JLO | January 19, 2009 at 11:48 AM
What a great letter...they should publish it. I never read that post about your Sister....really, really painful for you. What a loss for your family...and hers.
Sending good thoughts your way,
suz
Posted by: Suzanne | January 19, 2009 at 12:28 PM
Jen I lived with someone for 14 years with BiPolar disorder. He did something unspeakable to my family. I was a psych major in college I should have seen the signs and known that his mania and depression could send him to the darkest pits of hell. I just didn't think he would take us with him. Yes I learned that mental illness doesn't just effect the inflicted, it effects those around them.
I'm sorry for your loss. Your sister is at peace and that is a good thing.
Posted by: Gladys | January 19, 2009 at 12:34 PM
I cannot imagine how difficult--mental diseases are as grueling on other people as anything else.
Posted by: green girl | January 19, 2009 at 02:01 PM
It's so hard to realize that a death can promote healing. I'm sorry for your loss and for the damage your sister caused her children.
Posted by: Janet | January 19, 2009 at 02:09 PM
Does Time have an online comments section like NY mag? I've noticed they post more online letters than regular ones. Try both?
Posted by: Suzy | January 19, 2009 at 03:44 PM
Beautifully written. The have to print it!
Posted by: allmycke | January 19, 2009 at 03:53 PM
Oh, Jenn, I am so sorry about your sister--and having to deal with that awful anniversary. I know so well what that is like.
My sister was bi-polar and took her own life at 49 years old. Mental illness is so devastating, both to the sufferer and those who love them.
My thoughts are with you.
Posted by: Baby Favorite | January 19, 2009 at 08:59 PM
That post about your sister's death was the first I ever read of yours, I think. Hope this year brings a little more healing.
Posted by: Nora | January 20, 2009 at 12:28 AM
well done for informing others on something that you have personally experienced. therefore, it was not all totally in vain.
it may help someone else.
:-)
Posted by: pat | January 20, 2009 at 03:32 PM
I wish my sister could benefit from that therapist's help. Great article...if nothing else it give me a little more insight into my own sister's illnes.
Posted by: Amy the Mom | January 20, 2009 at 11:40 PM
I am so sorry for you, your family, for your sister, and that I didn't know you last year when you were grieving in my neighborhood.
You have done significant things in the aftermath. *blessings
Posted by: stephanie (bad mom) | January 21, 2009 at 01:53 AM
Wonderful and heartfelt letter. Messages like yours help people see beyond the stigma and seek help.
Posted by: The Mom Bomb | January 21, 2009 at 06:17 PM
Some letters HAVE to be written, sent in and published for others to read... THAT one is one of those.
Healing takes time...this will help the process.
Posted by: debbie | January 22, 2009 at 08:07 AM
When I get a whiff of BPD, I refer to therapists doing Linehan's DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). Excellent clinical work. I've got her books.
Posted by: phd in yogurtry | January 22, 2009 at 06:18 PM
Oh, and thanks for the Time mag link. I'm always looking for good "plain english" reading material for those I'm seeing in recovery from a BPD loved one.
Posted by: phd in yogurtry | January 22, 2009 at 06:19 PM