Got Girlfriends?

My Double-Dog Dare post, and some comment talk, got me thinking about girlfriends. Back in my young mother days I was a member of a co-op at our swim club. You worked alongside two other parents one morning a week and earned the privilege to drop your child off for the next four mornings. It was a fantastic place to make friends.

For a while I worked with a woman named Sara. She was pleasant and efficient and our kids were the same age. We small-talked. One day she confessed, “I don’t really get the whole ‘girlfriend’ thing. I’ve got  my husband and my kids—what more do I need? In fact, I never have gotten it—even back in high school and college.”

I’m pretty sure I had to physically pick my jaw off the floor. How can you not “get” having girlfriends? I was sad for her then and I am even sadder for her 17 years later.

I love my husband and we have each other’s backs in everything we do. He’s my partner and teammate. He’s my husband. But for all the girl stuff? The long talks over coffee where you try to tease out why something’s not going right in your life or with your kids? The happy hours that end in laughter so raucous your teenagers can only roll their eyes? The chick-flicks and book trades and recipe swaps? The kid-exchanges for date nights in the early years of parenting? The shopping and lunching and girls’ weekends in the later years? For all that and more, you need a girlfriend. Preferably more than one.

As I write this I realize how lucky I am to have had so many great friends. I could make a list going back to elementary school and almost all of them I still keep in touch with. Out of that long list there have been a couple of friendships that ended badly—and even those I don’t regret.

As you get older, or if you experience misfortune young, it is your friends that literally prop you up and even carry you through the really hard times. In all of our lives there will come heartbreak in some form or another—at minimum a parent will die.

In trying times it is a girlfriend  who will be the one to arrange the meals and help with the kids and take up the slack while you regain your equilibrium. It is a girlfriend that will clean your house or do your laundry. And, in all likelihood, it is a girlfriend that will help you remember how to laugh.

Comments

[Suzy]

I agree and without GOOD girlfriends we are totally lost. I'm glad I 'met' you over the net because I know in my heart you're a person who makes a great friend.

[Life with Kaishon]

I don't know how I could get along even one minute without mine : ). Great post!

[kcinnova]

My saddest times have been the ones when I have just moved and have no close female friends nearby. My husband has always encouraged me to have good girlfriends. When he dropped me off at the airport at 5am a few weeks ago --I was on my way to the annual girls' weekend-- he told me, "I'm glad you gals do this."

[jenrantsraves]

What a great post! I have always had friends, but unfortunately, not the best friend, that I could tell anything, rely on, call in the middle of the night, cry on her shoulders, etc. kind of friend. When my fiance died, it became really clear who were my real friends, and how lacking I was in that area. You are very lucky.

[LifeAsIKnowIt]

You don't realize how important your friends are until you really need them. I make an effort more now then ever to nurture my friendships. So important and healthy for us!

[Maureen at IslandRoar]

You said it!
I am always suspicious when I hear women talk about not needing friends; what are they trying to hide?
My life is measured in those friendships.
Thanks!

[Smalltown Mom]

I miss the girlfried thing. It's hard being shy. My BFF lives so far away. I am trying though, to be more social with coworkers and thank god for my niece who is also a best friend and lives only 2 blocks away!

[Manic Mommy]

Even as I write this, my sister is at her best friend's house just 'being with her' because her mom passed away the other night. "Prop you up" is a perfect way to describe it.

I love my husband and he is my best friend but my girl friends get me in a way that no man every could.

[Blognut]

Amen! I wouldn't want to be without real-life girlfriends who live nearby and help out and give me a real-life hug or shoulder to cry on, and the virtual bloggy girlfriends who help out and give me a virtual hug or shoulder to cry on; I need it all.

[gary]

Oh man, I gotta have my dude friends...my wife is my best friend though. And she puts up with me. Same with the dogs and cats, but yeah, you said it Jenn.

[Fannie]

My husband is a great support BUT I raised young children while he traveled and my family all lived hours away. My girlfriends got me through it.

[Chrisitna]

Ah, ever the independent one...I kinda of get what that gal said!

Could be my only child nature.

Could be that my life has run the opposite of all potential friends my age.

My girlfriends are almost entirely virtual. The best group of friends I have - and they are family - are spread out around the country - My August Moms. We met on the internet and we've known each other for 14 years and we gather every year for an enormous, soul filling bag fest.

I still don't have a local group of friends like that. There are many other wonderful mom's I've met, but still all about being moms and not really a girl friend thing.

I have one friend from high school who is the closest I've had to a best friend in that way.

But you are right - even though I know what that gal was saying - and I've said it in my youth - there is a gap that only a good friend can fill.

[Baby Favorite]

I totally agree. I am still in touch w/one friend I made before Kindergarten, and one from 7th grade -- among others in the last 23 years since high school. As close as I am with my husband, my girlfriends are still my lifeline many days. I cherish them beyond words!

Great post.

[Zelzee]

I couldn't imagine my life without my friends.....My sister is actually my best friend.

[jenn]

Girlfriends are invaluable. I've lost track of more than my share over the years due to excessive moving, and it's always a joy to reconnect. Now I've found a whole new category of girlfriends through blogging...love it!

[notjustbarbra]

I subscribe to the importance of girlfriends, I just don't seem to have them, at least not kind of girlfriends you're talking about. It's painful, because I did in high school and thought I always would.

[Leslie]

I miss many on my girlfriends. Some are on opposite sides of the country, and some have drifted away. I don't really have the "prop you up" kind of friends that I could probably use sometimes.

[Susan]

In the long run, my sister is my best girlfriend. I do miss all those who have drifted away over the years.

[Green Girl in Wisconsin]

Poor woman. I say this after being out with girlfriends last night. Nothing like that balm to my spirit.

[imom]

So true Jenn! I can't imagine life without my girlfriends.

[Janet]

I love this post, and it's so true. I feel bad for that woman, too.

[JCK]

Girlfriends are essential. For all those lovely reasons you mentioned.

[Jennifer H]

I have a few very good friends. So far, no house cleaning or laundry-doing has happened...but maybe I should be glad there's never been a good enough(bad enough) reason for that to happen.

Loved this...

[Fragrant Liar]

I totally get this post. I never really had girlfriends until I was 39. I mean, I had acquaintances after high school, but getting married and having four kids and being so busy with all that, I didn't place a real value on girlfriends. At least not out loud. Truth is I always wanted them, and never knew how to "do" it. Now I don't know what I ever did without them.

[mohammad]

hi i neef to be friends for you