1) When I arrive at the hotel after a 8+ hour drive invite me to go to the store for some "adult beverages" with you. Because I'm a nice person and your son is a recent addition to the team so you don't know a lot of the moms I will say "sure" (even though a car ride was not high on my list of things to do right after I just got out of the car). After you pick out $20 worth of stuff I don't drink tell me you didn't bring any money. Bonus points for never paying me back over the next 5 days.
2) Every time we go out to eat as a group, lowball your meal price by a wide margin, don't add the 10% tax or the 20% tip or your share of the coach's meal. Stare off into space when the money for the bill doesn't add up.
3) Loudly bray things like "You're cheaters" when the other team is beating us fair and square. When all the parents on the team move away from you it might be a hint to shut up--ignore it.
4) Loudly bray "Put in the freshmen" repeatedly when we're down by 2 at the half and could conceivably win the game if we keep in the starting lineup. The coach won't listen, but it sure will suck the enjoyment out of watching the remainder of the game for the rest of us.
5) Make the coach turn around and drive back to Stanford in rush hour traffic for the beach towel you loaned him to sit on. Who cares if the boys are waiting for the coach to have a team meeting? The four people that offered to just BUY you a new towel are sending you a message about the relative importance of your towel--ignore it.
6) Talk about food and where we are going to eat non-stop. It doesn't matter what other conversation people are having--bring it around to food. Bonus points for suggesting "The Sizzler" at every meal.
7) Complain vociferously about the fact that we have to drive to different pools instead of having all our games at one pool. Refuse to consider the fact that the tournament organizers may not have arranged a national tournament for over 200 teams simply for the sole convenience of our club.
Oh yes, she did. I debated posting this, but I don't think she'll ever find my blog. And if she does? If there's even a remote possibility that she picks up the clue phone and realizes she behaved in a rude, obnoxious, cheap and narcissistic way and alienated everyone around her, I will have performed a public service.
Thank goodness for all the other wonderful parents on the trip. Our collective "bunker mentality" when in the presence of this woman ensured that we still had a great time. A shout out to my new friend, Julie, who made me laugh just at the point when my head was going to explode.