Blogging, Helpful

I wasn’t going to post more about the demise of my friendship, but, WOW, you all DID make me feel better—mostly because so many of you have been through the same thing and absolutely get the place I am, and have been, in over the past few months.

I believe I’ve written before about how often books echo what’s going on in my life and resonate with me deeply. This passage from Jodi Picoult’s, “Handle with Care,” was one such example:

Besides the obvious difference, there was not much distinction between losing a best friend and losing a lover: it was all about intimacy. One moment, you had someone to share your biggest triumphs and fatal flaws with; the next minute, you had to keep them bottled inside. One moment, you’d start to call her to tell her a snippet of news or to vent about your awful day before realizing you did not have the right anymore; the next, you could not remember the digits of her phone number.

There is nothing I could ever write that would come close to nailing it the way Jodi Picoult did—it really took my breath away when I came across it. The book blurb didn’t even give a hint that this book was about friendship, so it was almost eery.

Some of the things I learned from this experience are:

Not everything is about me—what happened in this instance was not about anything I did or said or didn’t do or didn’t say. For someone who never stops trying to make things right, this was a huge lesson.

A lot of people think it’s okay to walk away from a friendship without communicating why. I gleaned this from the comments at The Women’s Colony. I still don’t agree with or understand this sentiment; it’s not something I would be able to do, but I have a little more understanding of why people do this. That said, if you are inclined to do this, I think you should ask yourself if you’re doing it from fear of confrontation—if you are, perhaps it would be good for your personal growth to do the hard thing and share your thoughts—even if it’s just via email.

My family really does have my back. They were all very supportive as I worked through this—even though it did mean they listened to me say the same things over and over as I tried to understand why this was happening.

Not that I ever doubted it, but I am made of tough stuff—I get knocked down, but I always get up again!

In honor of all your awesome support, I’m going to give away that Jodi Picoult book—because it was a great book about friendship and I really treasure my blog friends. Next Monday I’ll pick from the comments on yesterday’s post.

Speaking of giving books away, the winners from last week’s post on 29 are commenters #7 and #16:

How about 17...that was a turning point for me, I would try a bit harder and make some better choices!!!!
I love cupcakes.

Posted by: busy bee suz | June 21, 2010 at 01:09 PM

I'd be 22. No wait. That was the year I taught high school and (no offense) was miserable. Okay, 20.

Pick me. :)

and my brother worked in the Magnolia bakery for several years. He had an Engineering degree but worked as a cupcake froster. We joked he was the best educated cupcake froster ever!

Posted by: CC | June 21, 2010 at 05:23 PM

Oh—to answer my own question, I think I might pick 32—nobody in diapers, but lots of kids running around having a great time. Summer meant the beach, the club, the neighbor’s pool, lots of games of long toss and nothing much more than that.

Comments

[Brightside Susan]

I have always wished for that kid of friendship and I can't imagine having it and then losing it. I am so sorry about this but glad you found some solice in the company of the Women's Colony.

[busy bee suz]

The bigger thing to do would be to let YOU know why it ended. I agree with you on that.

This Jodi Picoult book sounds great too.
Looking forward to my next cupcake read.

[Suzy]

I have walked away from many, MANY, MANY friendships. I walked away from my best friend in 2008. After telling me over and over and OVER that he would take a bullet for me, when I asked him to come to India with me (with me paying his airfare)for a surgery, he declined because he had auditions for pilot season.

I asked him to go for 5 days.

I guess he could only take a bullet for me when it wasnt pilot season.

A year and a few months later he left a message on my vm saying he had been a "bad soul mate best friend." He also said he had quit show business. 7 months after I asked him to go to India.

I emailed him and said never to DARKEN MY DOORWAY AGAIN. I felt no need to hash it all out because I knew by the vm that he still thought he was right not to go with me.

[Asthmagirl]

Because we moved so much as I was growing up, I missed the life long friendships bus! But there have been friendships I've walked away from over the years because they were unhealthy. I'd rather be happily self contained than a convenience. I have a few healthy friendships today, not close, but they feel good. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a bosom buddy.

[Yo is Me]

that was a beautiful book. beautiful. i love/hate her books. they're so tough, but so beautiful. i've read them all.

i think i commented at the women's colony about this... and i've been on both sides of it. i've side stepped the confrontation because i felt that everything had already been said. nothing would be resolved, everything was out in the open, on the table. discussing it wouldn't have done anything to better anyone's "side".

i know how this feels. it's grief. allow yourself to grieve.

[green girl in Wisconsin]

Ah, I've done the confrontation when it's about an ISSUE. If it's just a "we've grown apart" thing, it seemed pretty natural to let things die their natural death.

[jenrantsraves]

I will definitely have to read the book. I will also have to email you about my new bff dilemma, after reading this post.

[yogurt]

I have walked away from a friend in the past. Was exhausted and worn out from worrying about his choices. Different comfort level with risk. With financial decisions. With romantic choices. Not my place to judge and disapprove, I guess is why I kept quiet. And because I don't want to hurt feelings, or confront hurt feelings and likely indignant feelings given my reasons. So I quietly skulked away.

[kcinnova]

I have lost BFFs thanks to multiple moves. And I still miss those friends, but there just doesn't seem to be any going back. We still love each other, but we move in different worlds now. *sigh*

[suburbancorrespondent]

Definitely your friend's issues drove the break up - although I don't think that knowing that makes it hurt any less.

[Janet]

I love the blogging can help a person :-)

Btw...I got the book! Thank you!!!

[Deb D]

I have the book - haven't read it yet but it's slated for my holidays.

[Wenderina]

I'm sorry to learn of your lost friendship. I always envyed what you had (even though I have a lot of it myself, but spread across many people) in that one foremost friend. When I read your blog I always feel you would be the most fantastic friend to have.

I know my mother, after my father died, changed many of her friends...and when I asked her why she didn't have a clear answer..I think she found it painful to be amongst all those happy couples that had shared so much with my mom and dad in better years. I have no idea if this is linked with your situation or not, but wanted to share that little insight.

[klcrab]

I still remember the incredible sadness I felt when I realized I could not stop life from changing people and relationships. I suppose in retrospect I was growing up, but oh how I missed those precious times. There is now more armor, but I stay more present in relationships- holding them with an open hand, lightly so that they will not feel pressured.