Friendship, Lost

I have struggled with what to say about a big event in my life. I did post something at The Women’s Colony, but have not talked about it here.

Several of my long-time readers have noticed that I don’t mention OMomK, my long-time bff, any more and the family is removed from my sidebar. To go through losing my best friend without blogging about it has been tough. In fact, my husband has said, “Blog about it! You’ll feel better.”

                   Our two families in Mammoth July ‘09.

The biggest struggle was how to tell the story without giving out private information that was only tangentially mine. So I’ve decided to skip the part about how it became that we no longer speak. I do still occasionally see her eldest daughter (who is best friends with my son). It’s enough to say that we don’t talk. And we haven’t for 6 months. I doubt we ever will.

This was not my choice.

Still, it is what it is.

It is hard for me not to have a best, best friend. I always have—ever since I was little. I don’t have a long friendship from childhood because we moved when I was too young to really keep in touch. I’d say I’ve had several very close friendships as an adult.

Still, OMomK and I went through more together than I had with any other friend. Her father-in-law’s death, my mother’s death, my sister’s death and her husband’s death. We knew crisis. We knew sadness. We were really there for one another. And we laughed. A lot.

And now, we’re not and we don’t. It’s hard.

Comments

[Steph]

Must seem odd to go thru such a loss without her only to remind yourself it is the loss of her that you are grieving.

[Deb D]

((hugs))

[bramble]

Jenn- It's been 12 years since I had to remove my bff and her insane abusive husband and lifestyle from my life. I miss her kids like they were my own but most have found me somewhere once they matured. Luckily only one has held it against me and that breaks my heart. As for my friend...I miss her all the time but realize that I was the better friend in the relationship as adults (we had known each other since 5th grade) and that she has NOT wanted to know EXACTLY why I stopped coming by. She had been to my house 1,000s of times and not once came actually face to face to see what was wrong. I think she knows it was her husband and doesn't want to deal. Sometimes we just have to let go for our own sanity and hope that their situation improves even if not with you in the picture. Sorry for your loss, I know it hurts and leaves a void that no one else can fill. It's almost as if a death would be easier because that is something you can't control, this is something just beyond your control for reasons that can't be resolved.Big hugs from the other coast.

[Smalltown Mom]

I'm so sorry.

[busy bee suz]

I can only imagine the loss that you feel in your heart.
Remember the old saying about friends and "a reason and a season...."
So, did this make you feel any better?

[Jen on the Edge]

I'm so sorry.

[Jason]

This is so hard to deal with. I've had the same sort of thing happen to me, only mine happened when I told him I was gay.

But I still missed him, for a very long time. And every once in a while, I cross paths with him. And that old stab of pain comes right back.

Don't you just hate it when you need to blog about something so badly, but you know that you just can't?

[Chrisitna]

I am the odd girl who has actually never had a best friend like that. But the closest one I did have over the last 10 years is the one who died in January. The moments when something happens and I think "I need to tell Jax about that!" then realize again she's gone take my breath away. I cannot imagine what you have been feeling this past year. I am very very sorry.

[reluctant blogger]

Oh crikey, Jenn that is so sad. What a terrible loss. And it is so frustrating when you feel maybe things could be made better but the other person cannot do so. Or maybe that is not the way things are? But I know you are a fair and calm person so it must have been a very extreme situation for this to have occurred.

Big hugs. And don't think of "nevers". It's best not to. One never knows.

[gretel]

Oh, I feel your pain. I have been in turmoil about my bff for several years now. Military service has taken us to different parts of the globe, but we were always close, no matter what. A little over a year ago I wrote her a long letter explaining that I missed her, and our friendship and owed up to the wrongs I'd committed in both thought and action. She wrote me back a heartfelt letter and I really thought all would fall back into place, but it never has. I've come to the point that I don't know how to reach her again and it makes me so very sad. My heart still lurches when she sends me the rare two sentence e-mail and I write back a book and then receive...nothing. It makes my heart heart and angry and there's nothing I can do about it but accept it.

[gary rith]

oh geez...sounds bad, and you are so nice!

[kcinnova]

My heart hurts for yours.

[green girl in Wisconsin]

I'm so sorry. That's tough to go through and like you, I don't have friends from my far-off past because we moved a lot, too. So your BFFs are even MORE important when you don't have those other people filling gaps--close family, childhood friends.
How very sad.

[Mama Hen Em]

I know how you feel, since I've spent the last year mourning the loss of my own best friend. I've written a post that I can't bring myself to actually publish, about how much it hurts when someone you've shared so much with decides that the years of friendship aren't worth working through the issue. We still attend church with her and her family and run into them all over town and I feel anxious and sick when I see them. It's been just over a year ago now since "the incident" and although the hurt is still there, it has gotten bearable. I'm so, so sorry that your heart is breaking for this loss.

[Marms37]

Jenn, The first year is the hardest. When you posted about losing your BFF on TWC, I couldn't respond. My best friend dumped me 4 years ago by telling me that she was coming to NYC and wouldn't have time to visit me. I never heard another word from her. Last week I got a two line email from her on Facebook that did NOT include any type of apology or explanation. It just said that FB suggested we be friends and asked what I thought of that. WTF? I immediately started sobbing. I didn't sleep all night. I wrote back and told her how much she hurt me, but I cannot be friends with her again.

[MidLifeMama]

I know this feeling. It sucks. It is worse than a divorce in many ways. Because when you get divorced you have the BFF to back you up. When you lose your BFF, who has your back? You will eventually feel better, but it hurts like heck along the way.

[magpie]

I'm sorry. Bummer.

[barbra]

I'm so sorry, Jenn. It is such a hard thing. Many of us have been through it (or I should say, are going through it too), as evidenced by these comments. This same thing is a source of pain for me as well. Coincidentally, I was wallowing in it a bit on Saturday night.

[Fannie]

I take it SB is on the outs with the other daughter too? So hard on the whole family when you were all so close. Perhaps with time your friend will see the light and ask for forgiveness.

[Suzy]

People come into our lives to teach us, or for us to teach them. We learn through these relationships.

They end when the lesson is done. It is not a bad thing when certain relationships end.

It's called growth. Your soul came here to learn. When people have nothing left to teach you, they move on.

[Janet]

I'm so sorry to hear about this, Jenn. I lost my best friend from high school about 10 years ago and I still think about her a lot.

[Maureen@IslandRoar]

Oh Jenn, it's so hard! I lost my BFF of 12 years when I was pregnant with my older daughter. I still hate to talk about it. I still get angry at her "removing" me from her life. I'm really sorry.

[jenn]

I'm so sorry, Jenn. Losing any friend is tough, but losing a true BF is awful. Maybe - in time - things will change and you'll resume the friendship. But more likely, there's a new BF out there waiting for you. Hugs.

[Lisa]

Oh Jenn I feel your pain and I am so sorry for you. My BFF died about 2.5 years ago and like Christina said I still want to call to tell her something, ask her something or beg for a dinner invite-which was not a stretch as I am single and she cooked for her family every night. I still see her husband and kids, ironically he was my childhood friend, but it's just not the same and it hurts. Alot.

And I am sorry anyone has to go through this, because as you know all the friends in the world and I have lots, just don't fill the void.
Take care.

[jenrantsraves]

Well, did it make you feel any better? I'm having (another!) best friend dilemma myself. Maybe just knowing that other people have had, or are having the same issues will help?

I don't have a best friend, either, and it upsets me more than I like to admit.

[Erin]

So sorry to read this. I lost my best friend to cancer 9 years ago. I remember another good friend telling me it's like I lost someone on my team. I still miss her so much.

I understand how hard it is for you to write about... I hope that you find some peace in this experience.

[Kelly, The Glass Dragonfly]

Big hugs!

[ms. e]

Jenn, I am sorry to hear about the loss of your BF. I myself am going thru the same thing. I feel like I have no one to really go to that would comfort, defend, console, encourage, speak honestly with me and love me as my BF did. I hope in time it will get easier to deal with. You're in my thoughts.

[cardinal]

I'm sorry you have lost your friend. I remember how affected I was by your post on TWC, although I didn't put it in words. The thought of losing my best friend terrifies me. We've been through so much together (the way you describe your relationship) and I'm afraid I wouldn't fully know what I think without hashing it out with her.

Did you read Joan Didion's "A Year of Magical Thinking"? She describes a similar unmooring. She suddenly feels old, because when her husband died, she lost the image he had of her as a young woman, that no one else shared.

[Julie]

Sorry . . .

[bethany]

so sorry, that sucks and hurts and aches in the worst way. hugs to you, may the kids get it straight at least. i know the pain of not blogging it too, and it's hard. hugs to you.

[lanes123]

Thanks for writing this post. It is so difficult not to have the friend who always helped you through everything able to help any more, and that's something that so many of us (clearly!) can empathize with.

[Baby Favorite/Susan]

I'd love to smugly reassure you by saying, "Her loss!" but I know that's not entirely true. I realizes it's yours, too, and it must really hurt.

I don't understand people sometimes. I am sure there are millions of women out there who would do anything to have a best friend like you, Jenn.

I'm so sorry.