Venus and Mars at the Pool

I took this picture off the internet—the pool we play in certainly doesn’t bear any resemblance to this. For the purposes of this post you just have to make note of the white cone the coach is standing next to. Also, a water polo pool is actually called a “tank.” Water polo has two referees, one on each side, and they walk/jog alongside the action. Those gals near the right side of the photo are “the table” and they run the clock and keep stats—each team gets 30 second of ball possession before the ball goes to the other team.

Danger Boy’s team played in a high level tournament this weekend. Quite a few of the people running things were not doing their jobs. Girls at the table that spent all your time texting instead of resetting the shot clock (see “30 seconds of possession above) I’m talking to you.

This anecdote is about a large Hungarian male coach and a small, female referee. The coach is not supposed to go past the cone where the gentleman in the photo is standing. The large Hungarian male coach did not think that rule applied to him. He was extremely loud and paced all the way to half tank. This meant that he was frequently just a few steps behind the small, female ref.

Coincidentally (or, if you think like me, not coincidentally) that ref made very few calls during the game.

I was livid with both refs for not making the coach abide by the rules. He was yellow-carded, but didn’t stop and wasn’t red-carded. As they say in parenting, don’t make a threat if it’s an empty one.

One of the dads on our team couldn’t figure out why I was so pissed at that coach being allowed to pace and yell all the way to half-tank. He thought it was wrong because it’s not legal, but other than that wasn’t sure why it was such a big deal to me.

The next day we talked about it a little more—this dad is about 6’3 and I’m 5’4. I explained to him that if he was following just a few paces behind me, towering over me by almost a foot, and screaming to boot that I would find him very intimidating.

He totally got it. Because he’s so large he’s never been intimidated by another person’s physical size. Once he put himself in my place, he understood what I was saying.

Now in an ideal world that young, female referee would have booted the coach, but, for whatever reason (youth and being unsure would be my guesses) she did not. Neither did her counterpart. Interestingly enough, in a later game that we weren’t playing in, that coach was made to SIT the entire game. I guess he ran into somebody he couldn’t intimidate.

Because I’m by far the shortest person in a tall family, I may be sensitive to this—but I have had to ask my 6’2 son to not stand so close to me if we’re having a “discussion.” Now, I know he would never strike me or  even verbally threaten me, but I just can’t stand feeling so physically vulnerable. And I would never, ever, loom over a child to reprimand them—I would kneel down so we were eye-to-eye. It’s not like I’ve ever been physically attacked by anybody, but this is just something that is strongly instinctive of me.

Is this a quirk of mine, or do some of you feel the same way? I’m really interested in your responses.

Comments

[kcinnova]

Hmmmm... I definitely noticed when my young teens passed me up in height, and I am nearly 5'10"! Size can certainly be intimidating.
I do agree that discussions happen much more easily (and perhaps more fairly) when the people doing the discussing can look each other in the eye.

[Manic Mommy]

I totally get it. I'm 5'7" but I have such an issue with personal space; like when someone is walking *right behind me* in a store, it makes me crazy. I attributed it more to my claustrophobia than a vertical challenge but I can absolutely see your point.

And I don't think it was lost on your Hungarian either.

[Jessie]

I am 4'11" and I totally understand. I'm not short enough to be a little person, and not tall enough to be normal. People looming over me is scary really...

[Violet]

I am 5'4", too, and I've been trying to think of a situation in which I felt intimidated by someone's size. I can't, so I guess it's not an issue for me.

I generally like my stature. 5'4" isn't that short but I must "read" short as I am always considered small and short (I am definitely not small!). I don't like my lack of height when I need to reach something on a tall shelf or when I am in a crowd of people trying to see something up ahead.

[Mama Hen Em]

This reminded me of about ten years ago when as a fairly petite (5'6", 110 pounds) 25 year old I spent the summer umpiring Men's Fast Pitch Softball. I cannot tell you how often those guys tried to intimidate me when I was behind home plate. One night I had a pitcher who didn't like my calls so the catcher started pulling his glove and letting the ball hit me. After a couple of those, I warned them that if another ball hit me, the pitcher was done with the game. Sure enough, catcher pulled his glove again. When I ejected the pitcher, he came at me and got right up in my face, towering over me and screaming. I stood my ground, but I was so, so thankful that the local managing umpire was there and took charge of things. I know the intent was to intimidate me into backing down, except I don't back down :) It was scary, though, and I can understand exactly what you're talking about.

[busy bee suz]

I agree with you completely.
I sure wish the lil' ref would have thrown him out though...that would have been sweet.

[auntjone]

I am 5'7ish and my oldest son is around 6'2. I don't mind him being close and I'm not afraid of him, but just the other day I realized that he could totally take me out if he wanted to and was angry enough. So far, however, it appears he's inherited my angry habit of throwing things and not punching things/people. Thank goodness.

I'm sure that coach knew what he was doing. Not fair. At all.

[Ashley]

I'm 4'10" but am having a hard time thinking of being physically intimidated. A lot of the time I forget about my size - I'll notice it when standing in a front of a mirror next to a friend or something. Maybe that's why? I always tell people that I look them in the eyes when I talk so I just don't realize that I'm over a head shorter than they are.

I definitely get how size can be intimidating and also that size can be inaccurately perceived. My husband is around 5'8", maybe 5'9" but he is massively built - extremely broad shoulders, big arms, big chest. People always think he's over 6 feet tall!

The converse of that is people assume I weigh NOTHING, when in fact, I do weigh something. Quite a few somethings. They realize this when they TRY TO PICK ME UP - seriously, I'm a grown woman, why are you trying to pick me up?

All of that isn't really on topic but anyway, I can understand the intimidation factor though I don't think I've felt it often in my own life.

[cardinal]

I'm definitely in your camp on this one. With me it's not just about size, but generally feeling vulnerable to other people. Now that I think about it, I do have historical reasons. As a teenager, I was very undone by walking in a crowd and having a man pass by and grab my crotch. As an adult, a crazy woman hauled off and slapped me with no provocation while standing in line at Mrs. Fields. Yeah, I'm in your camp.

[jenrantsraves]

Well, I'm 5'11", so I'm not usually intimidated by a person's size. But! My dad, who is only one inch taller than me, was very intimidating to me. He just had such a stern voice, and scary eyebrows when he got mad.

I think women are somewhat trained by society to be intimidated. If we stand up for ourselves we are labeled "bitchy", but if a man does it he is "confident". It is a total double standard.

[calamitysandra]

While I do not feel intimidated by somebody taler, I just recently realised, after my oldest son is now finally, officially taler than me, that I truly dislike having to look up at him during an argument. Yesterday I remedied this by standing on the first step of the stairs while talking to him.
I have always made sure to be on eye level with them, if something important needed to be discussed, and I would like to keep it that way.

Funnily, having to look up at my husband during arguments has never perturbed me.

[Kate]

I'm 5'10", so I don't generally notice tall men as intimidating. But I did have long-term interactions with a man in a coach-like relationship to me that would stand way too close at times. Turns out it was just one of many symptoms of what I finally recognized as abusive. He wasn't THAT much taller--bigger, yes--but he absolutely did it to try to get me to give in and say I was wrong when I wasn't. You can physically attack someone without touching them.

[Sharon]

I remember that when my older brother got to be taller than my 5' mother, she stopped hitting all three of us kids. Her tongue was just as sharp but no more physical violence. Hurrah for that.