Questioning Authority

I noticed something about the way I interact with my kids when Pedro was here—and having my husband home all the time has highlighted it.

I require obedience from them, but I don’t require blind obedience. In fact, I’ve put up with a lot of “negotiating” over the years—I think it’s good to know how to negotiate and I also don’t like feeling powerless myself, so I never wanted them to feel powerless. At least if you get to try to make your case you feel like you were listened to; that’s my philosophy anyway.

Now that the youngest two—who “negotiate” a lot more than the older two ever did—are in their late teens they tell me “no” all the time. Pretty much every time I ask them to do something. That was in stark contrast to Pedro, who said “yes” to everything.

Me: You need to clean the bathrooms after school.

Social Butterfly: No.

Me: Please get the trash cans from the curb.

Danger Boy: No.

Me: Would you mind vacuuming your room.

Pedro: Sure!

The other stark contrast was that SB and DB always do what they are asked to do. Pedro never did (without umpteen reminders). I figured out that I much preferred the way my kids operate. They say no, but they do it.

Mr. Fix-it is not quite on board with the defiance/compliance dance the kids and I do. But he’s learning.

SB was headed out with a friend and this was our exchange:

Me: Curfews at 10, so be home by 10:15. (I’m okay with them leaving a public place at official curfew).

SB: 11

Me: 10:15

SB: 10:45

Me: 10:15

SB: 10:30

The door closed behind her. Mr. Fix-it looked a touch apoplectic. “Don’t worry,” I said “she’ll be home by 10":15.” And she was.

Comments

[Steph]

Oh my, this is hysterical. Does this play as an actual negotiation or is it just humor at this point? And how ever did you get to this point?!?

[Jenrantsraves]

Hey, what works for one family would be a disaster for another. The trick is figuring out what works for your family, and not caring what the other parents think of your method! My parents demanded obedience, but they were big on asking me my opinion on things, and letting me plead my case.

[cocobean]

A child learns by testing boundaries - I don't think this ends at any specific age. Having specific limits and consequences creates a safe environment for growth. And then the "bartering" marks times when growth has been achieved and the extended curfew becomes a sign that you have earned additional responsibility and respect...

[green girl in wisconsin]

We're working on obedience and honesty--my kids say "yes" and then don't do it. Grrrr.

[Janet]

Reminded me of when I was a kid...

[Renee]

My daughter (10 years old) reacts this same way more and more. It doesn't bother me terribly, because just like your kids, she does do what I've asked. In fact, sometimes we just play it for laughs. However, my husband has a very different personality --he can be very funny, but he doesn't really get this kind of humor, or the fact that saying no doesn't really mean she won't comply. It can be downright dangerous for this to play out in front of him :-)

BTW, I hadn't found your blog back when Pedro was with you --that was a very interesting discussion of sticking with things past our discomfort, in order to grow and really become capable of enjoying the new experience.

[Busy Bee Suz]

You know who you are dealing with...you raised them. I can see the puzzled look on your husband.
I always give a weird curfew time.
Example: 10:53.

[Suzy]

Bingo! Everyone needs to be heard, whether they get their way or not.

I like Busy Bee Suz' curfew time. 10:53. Very creative!

[MidLifeMama]

My son is 4 and a half and the negotiating is already hot and heavy. On his part. On my part it is pretty much like you describe. I just repeat myself over and over until I win. Fortunately right now it is limited to discussions about whether or not a lollipop is an adequate choice for dinner or how many marbles he has earned for his marble jar by doing something I asked of him without arguing. HA. He argues about his reward for not arguing. I am so dead when he is 15.

[Tammy]

Haha, sounds very much like our house.