Bitter, Party of ?

I went to a lovely Fourth of July party on, okay, on the Fourth of July. Go figure! I was very content sitting in beautiful backyard overlooking the lake, enjoying the relief of a cooling breeze on a hot day, sipping a Margarita (and none of that pre-mixed crap, either) and eating my weight in tortilla chips and hummus.

Most of the people at the party were friends I know well, but there were also some people I'd only met briefly at another party. Mr. Fix-it wasn't home for the holiday because tickets over the holiday weekend were an exorbitant $500. So, for all I know, these people that didn't know me thought I was a divorcee. I'm kind of sure that's what they thought, actually. I was with a friend who is separated from her husband.

All of this is to set the scene for me listening to something I don't usually hear much as I mostly hang with other long-married couples. A couple of the women were divorced and I think they were initiating my recently separated friend into their coven group. The marriage-bashing was relentless. It really got on my nerves. Though, owing to my having slept off my early-morning beers and feeling a little off-kilter, I was uncharacteristically silent. I just listened. And got annoyed.

Just because your marriage didn't work out doesn't mean all marriages are doomed. Just because your ex-husband is a jerk, doesn't make all husbands jerks. And advising your daughters not to even think about getting married until they're in their thirties because they can't possibly know who they are until then? Whatever, it's your kid, tell them what you want.

The thing is, I got married at 23 and it's working out just fine. I'm happy and I have lots of friends that have been married for over 20 years that are quite content. Am I the same person at 47 as I was at 23? Yes and no. I like to think the changes have been positive and that my husband and I have grown together. The basic person I was, and the things that were important to me, have remained pretty stable.

My friend, the recently-separated one, had the same take I did. I appreciate that she doesn't extrapolate that fact that her husband is acting like an ass (oh boy, he really is) and that her marriage has disentegrated to mean that the rest of us are living a life of delusion and our time will come.

 The sad thing is that these women were very smart and personable--but, honestly, bitter isn't anyone's best look.

 

 

 

Comments

[kellyg]

I have two friends from high school that married their high school sweethearts 1 month after graduating. Both marriages are still going strong almost 25 years later. From their facebook statuses and from talking to them, I'm not exaggerating the strong part.

Are they exactly the same girls they were when they got married at 18? Highly doubtful. But, like you said, their core person hasn't really changed.

I remember thinking at the time they got married that they were crazy for getting married so young. But sometimes I wonder if by getting married at 18, they didn't have years to build up unrealistic expectations of what marriage should be.

Or maybe these two friends just made some kick-ass choices for life partners. I have other friends whose early marriages went down in flames pretty quickly.

[Busy Bee Suz]

Wowza. I loathe women like this. (and Men too!)
My ex-step sister is going through her second divorce and constantly bashes ALL men...to me and her daughter. I call her out on it because she just so happened to pick two of the biggest losers I know. I blame her...she chose them.

[Manic Mommy]

I'm sorry you were apart for the holiday but what an interesting sociological experience.

I totally agree that it's up to us to grow together or grow apart. Filling your child's head with vitriol will only break their future relationships.

[Smalltown Mom]

Many of my friends are in long-term happy marriages. I've been married to my h.s. sweetheart since I was 23. I wonder if the bashers bashed their husbands during the marriage...that lack of respect can turn any relationship sour.

[suzie]

Agreed.

I'm divorced (after getting married at 21), but looking at all of the healthy marriages around me was part of what made my unhealthy marriage so sad.

But then again, I'm also happily remarried, and in it for the long haul. Maybe I was more bitter when in between, and freshly wounded.

[PFisher]

Hear hear! I'm divorced and remarried to the man I refer to as my 'favorite' husband. 'Men' aren't bad. Sometimes we marry a man for reasons that make sense at the time. As time goes on, it's determined that the relationship isn't what you want. It's most often the relationship, not the man. It is sad to hear unhappy women blame all men. Hopefully they will refind their joy inside. In the meantime, let's toast the people in our life (men and women) who add to our own joy and quality of life. Happy Fourth to all!

[lanes]

I think it's unfortunate/annoying when folks ascribe very specific behaviors to an entire group ("All men cheat!") Plus, who thinks this is fodder for party conversation? I'm not saying that topics should be limited to unicorns and rainbows, but could we leave the angry diatribes out of it?

[ms_teacher]

One of my peeves is "extreme" talking on any issue. I have a very low tolerance for anyone who claims they have the perfect marriage (like a relative of mine does on FB) as well as those who claim that marriage is evil & is equivalent to indentured servitude for women.

I got married at 20 & my husband & I will be celebrating our 25th the first week of August. I'm not perfect & neither is my husband. However, what we have together is the fact of mutual respect & admiration for the qualities that each of us bring into our marriage. I need to emphasize "our" because this is a partnership in every sense of the word.

[Brightside-Susan]

I hear a lot of this sort of talk from men in the bar at work. It is equally ugly. My parents married at 19 and are still married, they told us to wait until 30 to get married and all of us did and we are all still married.

I agree that it is not "marriage" that is the problem and it is too bad that so many young people these days are not choosing to have the legal benefits and protections of marriage.

The thing that I hear a lot about and really bothers me? Complaints about lawyers - especially divorce lawyers. Hey - if people could be civil to each other and make agreements they wouldn't need a lawyer to divorce. So don't blame the lawyer for making a living.

[Suzy]

I believe everyone has to follow their heart on this one. I will never, EVER believe anyone should get married in their 20's. Only because of all the things you miss out on in that decade, the only decade where you can go out and get crazy, travel and experiment with life and it's allowed, encouraged even.

You know how there are stories about how some children have so much heartbreak in their life that they didn't get to be a child? I believe that people in their 20's suffer the same fate. They never get the chance to have fun, let loose, sample life. They never got their Rumspringa. They vault into early adulthood.

And because they never got it? They don't even know what they missed.

[suburbancorrespondent]

Why don't cannibals eat divorced women?

Too bitter....

(from Prairie Home Companion)

And, Suzy, it really is different for different people. I've seen plenty of early-marrieds and they really seem to have their act together and be enjoying life as a couple, rather than as singles. They might not have the crazy stories to tell, but maybe that's not what they are after. Some people truly don't want a Rumspringa. It's not their thing. As far as not knowing what one is missing, that can go both ways. That's life, isn't it? We can't experience everything.

[Renee]

When I look around at different marriages, I think the strength of your marriage has very little to do with what age you are when you marry. I think it has to do with how honest you are with yourself about who you are. We do all change, but if the change is one from pretending to be someone, to being the person you really are, that could ruin a marriage.

Having said that, though, I've always been grateful that I married late (at 35) simply because I really enjoyed being on my own for the years before that --I liked creating my own life, before having to compromise to link my life with someone else's. It's just been nice to experience both.

[Abby]

I married at 23 and stayed married for 52 years until my husband died three years ago, and I miss him every day. He was a great husband and fabulous father. I don't understand women who are constantly putting men down. What's not to like?

[Bramble]

I have HS friends who married shortly after school or in their in their early twenties and ALL are still pretty happy with their choices. The few friends and family we have that are divorced were more enraptured with marrying than realizing what the marriage to that particular person would be like. Bad rarely goes to anything but worse,and there were warning signs early on.
AS for bitter women (and men)...hurt comes out in alot of emotions but I think many people just have unrealistic notions about what marriage should be. It can be damn hard but if you are both in it WITH the other person it makes it one hell of alot easier than beating each other up. Married 23 years, together 25 and I have known him since I was 12 but we dated other people and were always friends. Works for us...but making your kids think that all men or women or marriage sucks is just wrong.

[mom taxi julie]

I got married at 19. I have to say if it wasn't for the children I probably would have been divorced by now. BUT since we have the children we work through our problems. That being said I tell my 17 year old that she should really go to school and get a degree in something before she gets married.

[janet]

The spousal unit and I have a different take on marriages/relationships that end after a long time (actual time TBD). We call them "successful." That means the couple had a good run, and the relationship ran its course. There is no blame assigned, no guilt conferred. It just is.

I am sorry for those who must communicate the "divorce bug" to others who are going through a painful time as their relationships end.

janet

[phd in yogurtry]

I'm with you. I understand bitter, I do know there are many, especially women but men too, who have been handed a raw deal where relationships are concerned. But it's ridiculous to bash them all and ridiculous to warn kids not to marry until after age 30.
I married at about 30 and it felt like a race against time to have our kids before we felt too old (do I feel too old as it is? yes I do). In fact I look back and thank my lucky stars that we got it all done and had no complications or long fertility delays.

[Tammy]

It would not have been fun for me to sit and listen to that talk either. I've been married for all of my adult life and sure it's hard and sometimes it really sucks, but in the end it's all worth it.

You hit the nail on the head calling these women bitter and they probably have good cause but to sit around and endlessly talk about it is annoying.

[Susan Walker / BabyFavorite]

I really hate marriage/men bashing.

Even after I went through my divorce at 30, I cringed when friends would bash my ex. It didn't bring me comfort--only pain. Plus, there were still lots of things I admired about him; we simply weren't compatible and the whole parenting gig made that abundantly clear.

Now those same friends think it's weird that my ex and his (lovely!) wife and my husband and I are all friends. We go to our son's games together, sometimes go out to eat together, and have even had portraits taken together--so that our son could have *all* of his family members in one picture.

I wouldn't have it any other way. Life is too short.

[Cheri]

It's hard not to get into bashing things once others get started. Especially on a painful topic. I'm resolving to stop being so negative about things for the next school year (not marriage, but co-workers, policies, students, etc...)

[Violet]

Bitter divorcees (of either gender) are tiresome at best. I understand that most divorces are not nearly as civilized as mine was but bitterness and anger only hurt the one who feels it. And it's not at all attractive.

My parents will celebrate their 50th anniversary next month, my BFF just celebrated 20 years with her husband, and I fervently hope I will marry again and enjoy being a wife until death do us part.

[Jenrantsraves]

When I first got married one of my oldest friends told me how marriage was going to be (from her perspective, but she said it as if it were fact). I wanted to scream. I also can't stand when married women all sit around and trash their husbands. How mad would they be if their husbands sat around doing that?!

[~annie]

And then there are the married women who avoid being around divorced women because they think it's a communicable disease...

[Jamie]

My parents married at 17 and 19. We celebrated their 50th Anniversary this past weekend. I'm sure that they are not the same people that they were 50 years ago. But they allowed for (and encouraged) the growth and changes in each other over the years. They still love each other . . . and probably more importantly, they LIKE each other. It has been a true joy to watch.