Why I Don't Cry . . .

I am three for three for not crying when my kids go off to college. It's not that I never cry over anything (though I admit I'm not a big weeper), but I reserve my tears for things that are very, very sad and the ocassional tears of happiness at a wedding.

Danger Boy left on Sunday for college. He went by himself because I've learned from experience that the first thing your kids want you to do when you drop them at school is to leave--which is as it should be. I figured I could save myself several hundred dollars and 6,000 miles of travel by just saying goodbye at Lindbergh field.

There was a great big curbside hug, but no tears from either one of us. (There was also the last minute transfer of a pair of shoes and two books from one over-weight bag to the carry-on, but what is travel without a little chaos?)

I don't cry because I am not sad; I am excited. My son is 18-years old and is stepping through a portal leading him to a (hopefully) soft landing in adulthood. He gets to transition from child to adult, from dependent to independent through the process of being away at college. He gets to learn to be on his own with the protections of knowing where his next meal is coming from and with a roof over his head.

He will have the joy of continuing to play the sport he loves and the hard work of figuring out what he wants to study and where he wants his life to go. He will do this on his own.

He already knows (as all teenagers do) that he doesn't need his parents overseeing his every move, but now he will have a chance to prove it--to himself and to us.

It's exhilirating to take flight; I can remember being 18 myself and though I didn't have the opportunities my own children have, I know that I wasn't thinking, "What I really want is just a few more years living with my parents and playing by their rules." Maybe there are kids that think that way, but nobody I knew back in the day did and I don't think my kids do, either.

For everything there is a season and this is the season in a young person's life where they discover themselves, by themselves.

All families make the choices that are right for them and that is as it should be. Lately I have heard variations on this phrase more than once, "We just don't feel he/she is ready/mature enough to be away from home/away at school." That may be, but the way I look at it is this--you don't send them away to college because they're mature, they mature because you send them away.

 Sending your child, your baby, away--be it a couple of hundred or thousands of miles--and writing the big check--these are acts of faith; faith that you're done giving your son or daughter roots and that they will be fine as they test their brand new wings.

I have faith. I have expectations. I have a sense of jubilation. I have the bittersweet knowledge that I said goodbye to a boy and will welcome home at Christmas a man.

It seems I have so many positive emotions that I have no room for tears.

 

Obviously, I speak only for myself here--if I was a crier I'm sure I'd be bawling my eyes out now!

 

 

 

Comments

[Catherine]

Hi Jen. My oldest has 3 more years of HS before leaving for University. Not only will he be leaving home, but he plans to move to another continent. Please re-post this every August. I love your perspective and could use the 'boost'. I hope that I can let him go without tears too.

[gary rith]

a) you are right, a teen wants to say goodbye when they get to college and b) GOOD FOR YOU helping to teach him to be an independent adult--lesson one, navigating the miles on his own :)

[Slow Panic]

I think it's great you sent him off on his own and didn't hover over him.

J13 started 7th grade last week -- the year they move into a new building and into a high school setting -- lockers, different classrooms/teachers, study hall, etc.

I dropped him off at the front door but quite a few parents were walking there kids in -- even though they'd done open house/fill the locker thing the night before. I was proud of J13 for being independent. Maybe I shouldn't criticize those other parents -- but I was proud of both of us for taking the right steps.

[Aunt Snow]

You're such a great mom.

My one and only is now living in another country. When they go, they really do go, but they make you proud.

[Marms37]

Yep, I'm a crier and that brought a tear to my eye. I've been super emotional about each one of them leaving and mostly it is because I am so absolutely thrilled that they are about to launch into their own lives. #4 and I leave on Saturday, I drop her off on Monday. #1 is going to have to pick up the pieces of me when I return to her house Monday night.

[Renee]

I have a good 7 years to go until this transition, but I don't imagine I'll cry at the time, since I'm not a crier either. However, I do imagine I'll sit in the house afterward feeling very strange at the emptiness (even though I often wish for just such emptiness on a temporary basis!).

[Brightside-Susan]

I accompanied both my older kids on the first move-in andI agree that the excitement of the transition is greater than the feelings that might bring tears.

We are driving our youngest across the bay tomorrow and right now she is talking about us staying around for the evening events - but I suspect that when the time comes, she will want to get to know her roommate and be off on her own. As she should be.

[suburbancorrespondent who fancies herself an editor]

Yup, by the time they are 18, both me and the teen are more than ready for them to take that next big step. And for parents who don't want to risk big bucks on college for a not-yet-mature-enough teen (believe me, my son observed plenty of those wasting time and money on a college campus), there is always the Coast Guard or some other branch of the military to go off to, rather than stay under the parents' roof and feel trapped. I'd say that kids who have shown no initiative in their high school work and little initiative in the college search would probably be better off with that latter option. And when they're done? They have a fantastic GI Bill for tuition money, a living stipend, and 3 years of living as an adult under their belts to help them get the most out of college. It's a win-win.

[Becca]

I think leaving home is so important. My mom and dad said I was not allowed to go to college in the same city I grew up in, because it would not be the same experience. And I am glad I had it. Yay for you for being such a good mom

[Abby]

My daughter chose a college close to home, but (over my husband's objections) I insisted that she live on campus. It was wonderful! Initially she wanted to come home every weekend, but that tapered off by Thanksgiving, and she was eager to go back to campus.

[mom taxi julie]

I'm a bit of a crier. I admit it. But I still want them to go lol

[magpie]

you're awesome. have you spoken to him since he left?

[Busy Bee Suz]

Ok, this almost made ME tear up. Yes, I am a real sissy.
I love what you wrote here, and it is SO true. WINGS!!!!!
(and Abby above and I have almost the same situation-minus the husband objection!)

[Shelley]

Ok, I have to admit I cried a little bit when my oldest left. But the army seems scarier than college. My youngest, however, insists that she DOES want to live with us for the rest of her life. Of course, she's only 8...and is now getting the boys in the neighborhood to stop bugging her and her friends by pulling the "my sister's in the army!" card. For some reason, it works. :)

[lisa]

Best experience of my life was college! Prepared me to make good decisions on my own, long before cell phones and email, I talked to my parents once a week at 8 pm on Sunday night.
Go DB! And Mom. You will both be fine.

[Jenrantsraves]

Everyone is different, and handles things in their own way. I, myself, am a crier. I am pretty sure I will cry when my son goes to kindergarten, and I"m pretty sure I will cry when he goes to college. But, I will also have all those excited feelings. I think I will cry mostly because I will miss him, not because of any fear of how things will turn out.

[lanes]

(raises hand) Another crier here! I almost cried reading your post. And I did cry today while talking with some former students who are going off to college, mostly because I am so happy for them and I know how hard they worked to get to this place.

I love your perspective on DB leaving.

[Deb D]

I didn't cry when I dropped either of mine off. Computer Dude goes to school an hour away and it truly was an unload and leave exercise. It felt very strange. Engineering Guy's school was nice enough to have a parent/student brunch and his room mates parents wanted to meet us so we all brunched together before we left.

For both I was excited, a bit worried to have them off on their own but it was time. This is what we raise them to do.

[bramble]

Yay for you Jen! It IS all about them and we should be proud and anxious to see them spread those wings.It's not an exile, just another chapter which will craft a new version of our loved ones and that's kind of fun (& scary) to watch unfold but it is the RIGHT thing. Mine is staying home for 2 years @ a school nearby that offers a program you can go for free if you maintain a certain GPA. He never looked at other schools, just knew all along this was for him and as much as I wanted him to flap those wings, I also know having the saftey net of home will give him some stability in what is going to be a crazy ride from here on out. To all our "babies" travelling toward their dreams...good luck!

[jean]

I agree with Catherine. You need to post this every year. My son will be off to college in 3 years too. I know that it is the best thing, I also know that I will cry. It's a tough one for me as he is my only child. Of course that's even more of a reason for him to leave the nest.

[JCK (Motherscribe)]

Well, I'm crying by GOD!

I loved what you said here. Most especially about the trust and that he will find his wings on his own. And come back a man. Lovely and bittersweet...

So glad I got to meet DB and SB!

[debK]

okay...i'm a crier, but...i'm getting better. i love this post...and i'm going to share this with my mom and sister-in-law, both of whom are criers and having a very hard time about my oldest nephew leaving for school. i actually mentioned you in a phone conversation the other day...maybe the written word will help. and yes...definitely...post this every year, please. maybe i have a few years before my oldest leaves for school, but, here in japan, finishing junior high and going to high school is a very emotional time...i will need it next year. thanks, luv.
and yes...i'm bowing down in your general direction right now, because that is what we do for someone we love and respect.

[kellypea]

My youngest started college last year and it was tough for both my husband and I. We drove him and stayed in the city for another day or so to make sure he had everything. It's an urban "campus" instead of a traditional college, so we were a little uneasy even though we totally believed it was going to be the best thing for him. A year later we are so proud of him and his independence -- but we did cry. It's what we do :)

[klcrab]

i was afraid I would be a crier on Monday, but I did not. As soon as the stuff was in the dorm room and the last forgotten items were purchased at the Walmart- he was off to his new adventure. I realize this is what we raised them for... it will just take some time to reset the mom switch a bit.

[Tammy]

I'm so excited for my kids to start their own adventures that I don't think I would (will) cry either. It seems like it will be very satisfying to see them go out on their own! Good job mom!