No Good Deed . . .

The feel-good water polo post will have to wait until I get something less feel-good off my chest.

Danger Boy has a cousin who is the same age as he is--they are eight days apart. My nephew has had a difficult life; his mother (who is now deceased) was my sister (This post provides a bit of background). That said, there comes a time when you either get over your difficult childhood and move forward or you wallow in your difficult childhood and your adulthood sucks. Eighteen is that time.

My husband and I have always done our best to help our nephew--we have done so in many ways and at many times. When he was living at our house I persuaded the swim and tennis club to which we belong to put him on our membership; something not generally done, but because we've been members there for twenty years they bent the rules a little. I left him on the membership even after he moved out so that he would have the chance to shoot hoops and use the gym and pool.

I didn't take him off our club membership even after an incident this summer after which he (and three other "boys") were in our house without our permission when we were on vacation. They weren't there to steal, and they didn't have to break a window to ge in, but it was clearly WRONG. The lying about it when our neighbors alerted us and the not 'fessing up until I brought up our security cameras compounded the betrayal we felt.

That betrayal was just the beginning.

Three things you need to know before this saga continues:

• We pay our monthly club dues via automatic payment from our checking account.
• Because we pay our dues automatically we don't actually open the bills that come in the mail.
• Our club allows members to "sign" for purchases--not that there's much to "purchase"--this is not a country club.

I'm tempted to stop here and have you guess the rest of the story (maybe I'd get some comments!), but it's just too predictable.

My husband was in an envelope-opening frenzy the other night and opened the club bill "accidentally." Imagine his, and then our, shock when our bill (which should be zero) had $238 on it. I popped up to the club to get to the bottom of this hefty bill.

Honestly, the woman in the office was pretty surprised that I was just now showing up. She didn't have to investigate why the bill was so high--she had the answer at her fingertips. A stack of charge slips for $1, $2, $4 at a time, going back to the beginning of the summer, all signed by my nephew. They were for ice cream.

She had been waiting for months for the "tall, blonde kid"'s parents to get fed up with his profligate spending on Good Humor bars for himself and his friends.

I could include every synonym for the word angry here and it wouldn't begin to describe how we're feeling. While I had my thesaurus out I'd be looking up "dupe" as well.

The adage "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me" has some applicability here. That said, there will not be a third time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

[bramble]

WOW! Before you get MAD, I am going to ask you something. His Mom died fairly recently if I remember correctly? Do you think this behavior is maybe his unconscious way of testing the boundaries with you? They all do it, remember Shaggy Haired Boy and Danger Boy's individual antics pre-graduation? Seems like your nephew is asking for attention in some way, though going about it in a very wrong way. (Don't they always?!) He is 100% wrong and he knows that too. 18 is not an easy age for boys/"men" especially if your path seems uncertain. Alot of kids seem to veer off on self destructive paths if no one steps in. Maybe he is feeling "lost" at this point but doesn't know how to articulate it and it is coming out in negative behavior? Just a guess...sending you courage and patience to deal with him in a positive "productive" way.

[unmitigated me]

I'd kick his ass. Metaphorically, of course.

[gary rith]

HOLY SH!T! No way?

[Busy Bee Suz]

I am fairly certain he KNEW what he was doing was wrong....and still did it. I would be pissed as well Jenn.

ps. I have a nephew who is 9 days younger than Linds. Just thought that was a coinky dink.

[Jenrantsraves]

Wow! This sounds familiar. My parents tried to help my cousin when he was younger. My dad ended up getting hurt in the process each time.
What did he say when you confronted him?

[magpie]

Oh, man, that's pushing the edges isn't it? Sorry he put you in that situation. I hope he learned a lesson.

[Sharon K]

I can imagine the desire to impress his friends with seemingly having 'an account' there was very tempting. My bet is he'll be surprised that it added to so much money. He will learn how much that is when he pays it all back to you!

I hope he learns from this.

[green girl in wisconsin]

All I can say is that's a lot of ice cream. Good luck dealing with this.

[Elizabeth]

My first reaction was the same as yours...but then I read the comments and wondered if he is calling out for your attention. 18 is old enough to know better. But, it is still young and stupid.

[Brightside-Susan]

Some kids do thrive on routine and rules - until they are expected to live that way on their own, then it falls apart. He is certainly immature and making some really bad choices - if there is a way to make him take responsibility for the bills and help him get into a better place going forward. I would hate to see his life continue in a downward spiral and I know you will come up with was to help him without being taken advantage of. Maybe the yardwork when Mr. Fix-it is out of town?

[Cassi Renee]

I read your earlier post (I didn't discover your blog until more recently), and I'm wondering where his father is in all this? Is he still in this boy's life? Did either of them ever get any grief counseling? Do you think he understands how much he has betrayed you?

Sounds like it's time to discontinue his membership.

[Suzy]

Was he ever told - specifically - that he could not sign for anything? Was it clear he had to use his own money for any purchases?

I was 18 once. I pushed the boundaries all the time. But that's because my parents were too strict and it was my way of fighting back. I lost all the time but STILL!

[allmycke]

Jenn - you're totally right. 18 is the time when you stand at the crossroads. I'm sure you and your husband has done right by him in so many ways and I can totally understand your anger and feelings of betrayal.

[Karen (formerly kcinnova)]

I'm sure he's no longer on your membership by now (this was a few days ago, yes?) and I hope that his dad is backing you up here.
But geez... how utterly frustrating. You're right: he's at the crossroads. Time to grow up and be an adult.

[lanes]

It stinks when people take advantage of your kindness -- or when they mistake kindness for weakness (did he think you would just pay the bill and take care of things for him?)

[Deborah J]

"That said, there comes a time when you either get over your difficult childhood and move forward or you wallow in your difficult childhood and your adulthood sucks. Eighteen is that time."

I couldn't agree more.
Maybe 20 is his time, or 21?
I would make him pay it back certainly, but icecreams? He certainly took advantage by using your house in your absence, and using your account but he's not exactly running amok.
You would expect better of your own children, and so would I, but maybe the boundaries are not so clear to him.
I know you won't give up on him....so good luck.

[Sharon K]

It's such a mystery - why do some people wake up and realize that they have lost the trust of everyone they respect and straighten out, while others live their whole lives spiraling down?

I hope he wakes up soon.

[JCK (Motherscribe)]

The Tough Love works. I'm so sorry you had to experience all that.

[Jocelyn]

Fuck.