Unbloggable Exposed: The Wait-and-See

I had an interaction with a co-worker yesterday that seemed to go fine at the time, but boy-howdy did I read that wrong.

Part of the conversation was me trying to place a student for the co-worker. I started with "male." Nothing. I added "tall." Nothing. I added "thinning hair." Still nothing. I added "gay." Still nothing, so I figured it wasn't going to happen and we moved on to another topic.

It may be pertinent to this anecdote that this particular guy is openly-gay and we were talking about his desire to work at a pharmacy that specializes in H.I.V. meds; a perfect niche for him as he is also openly H.I.V. positive. Also? I adore him and I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm swell as well.

Later in the day I was the recipient of an email severely chastising me for speaking about a student in a disrespectful and derogatory fashion. I was very upset for a variety of reasons. One: that someone would think I was anti-gay. Two: the email went to several people. Three: that I was an idiot for having been so tone-deaf that I didn't realize that there are people that might consider the descriptor "gay" to be deragotory.

The outcome of this was that the co-worker and I discussed this incident with our supervisor and we both acknowledged our role in the brouhaha--me for not being more politically correct with someone I didn't know very well and who didn't know me, her for not stopping the conversation and expressing her concern.

It all ended on quite a high note and what had started out as a potentially bad day ended up as a great day.

It turns out PTA politics are not quite same as office politics. Live and learn!

 

 

Comments

[lanes]

Yikes! So glad everything worked out ok, though my stomach dropped as I read the first part. Happy you are able to move on with the air cleared.

[Jenrantsraves]

That could have gone much worse! Glad it worked out okay.

[Karen (formerly kcinnova)]

I hate being misread. It's even worse when the person with whom I am miscommunicating doesn't come directly to me with the problem but feels the need to involve others. *sigh*

Glad it worked out okay in the end, but I surely would have a clenched stomach during the working-out process!

[JCK (Motherscribe)]

I always admire your ability to be so open to learning -more about yourself, but certainly about others. This sounds like a tricky situation. Ironic how things can be interpreted by people we don't really know, and who don't know us!

[ms_teacher]

This is what I don't understand with people. I don't understand why she couldn't have talked to you instead of going to your supervisor. My own feeling is to tread very carefully around this individual. Hang in there!

[Josette Plank (used to be Halushki)]

Oh, good gravy! An email?! Before talking to you? The hell?

Stinky situation, but yes, glad it worked out.

Try to be more PC, would ya? ;-)

[mom taxi julie]

I think sometimes people just try to find something to complain about. Even though you worked it out I'd watch your back!

[mrs. g.]

I'm glad it all worked out.

[Becca]

Ummm, if the student is openly gay, how is it disrespectful or derogatory to refer to him that way? I don't get it.

[gary rith]

well, yeah! And btw, different topic entirely, how is your daughter's college search going? How is your son in Erie? We are s'posed to get a storm today, bet it is snowing there already....

[Busy Bee Suz]

How could saying someone was 'gay' be disrespectful, if they are in fact openly gay?
Next I'll learn that you referred to me as a 'woman'....the nerve. :)
Some people....

[aaryn b.]

That is completely ridiculous. If the characteristic of a person being gay (openly so, obvs) can help define him or her from a group of people, it is perfectly legitimate to cite that. What if the person were black? Would you just walk around that feature without describing him as such? "Yeah, he's the tall guy, thin, balding, brown eyes, smart. You know the one." It is not racist or sexist or anti-gay or any of those things when spoken about in this context. Your co-workers are overreacting.

I had someone recently remember me from five years ago;I'd been with my toddler daughter at the time. When she was trying to place me a few weeks ago, she said "Is your daughter black?" And she lowered her voice to a barely audible whisper when she said "black." It was ridiculous. I suppressed the urge to whisper back at her, "YES! But don't tell anyone!"

[Green Girl In Wisconsin]

Ugh. I hate it, HATE it when people are too sensitive like that. You can't have open dialogue when people freak out about speaking openly!

[Suzy]

And THAT is why I'm in show business.

[magpie]

fascinating. and what suzy said!

[Cassi Renee]

I'd be careful around that co-worker too. For her to send an email to more than just you, rather than just tell you what she thought --she sounds like someone who might enjoy stirring things up.

[Brightside-Susan]

Some people would be more insulted by "thinning hair" than "gay" as a description.

[Deborah J]

Goodness, an email like that would make you feel ill. It is so hard to gauge people sensitivities when you don't know them well.

I was present once during an office morning tea conversation, that was later the subject of a complaint. It was a very general conversation about the dangers of air travel after some recent minor accidents. Unknown to us a female co-worker was in the process of planning a holiday overseas. She alleged she was upset enough to cry, and felt "threatened" by the man who had started the conversation.
None of the rest of us noticed any reaction at the time.
There was an investigation by the Human Resources dept, who cleared but counselled him.
He was a lovely man who had worked 15 years for the company and was shattered to be so misunderstood.

[Nic]

I don't understand why what you said was a problem. None of the gay people I know would have any compunction whatsoever about being described as gay by other people, provided they were openly so, as was clearly the case here. I've never met a gay person who thought 'gay' was derogatory (I suppose because to believe that, you have to believe that there's something wrong with being gay, which of course they don't). I guess you could make an argument that being gay isn't a visual descriptor, but to me that's a stretch under the circumstances.

And yes, watch this person. Even if you had done something to offend, sending an email to several other people without speaking to you about the issue isn't a response that would make me trust someone.

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