Eating Disorder Chronicles: Telling It Like It Is

Our family has chosen to be very public about Social Butterfly's eating disorder, anorexia nervosa: restrictive type. It started with SB and Mr. Fix-it encouraging me to write about it on this blog; once it was on the blog, it didn't make any sense not to tell people in real life.

Our reasons for being open are two-fold. First, we would only try to hide something we were ashamed of and why would we be ashamed that our daughter has this disease? It's an illness, not a moral failing. Secondly, keeping secrets is hard work--and we've already got some very hard work on our plate, thank you very much. We need our energy to fight ED, not to keep secrets.

I realize our approach may not feel comfortable to everyone, but I would ask people to at least consider it. Quite simply, it is one less thing to worry about at a time when we could use one less thing to worry about.

Social Butterfly has spoken directly to a couple of people, but that SB's giving me and Peanut the go-ahead to tell people means that she doesn't have to tell everyone herself. What a relief that is for her. Because her friends know what's going on with her, and know they're supposed to know, they can support her with text messages and Tweets.

When I am with friends, I can be me and get the support and/or distraction that I need.

The biggest bonus to not keeping SB's eating disorder a secret is that we have already seen, through this blog and real life, we have helped others that are struggling and may not even have realized exactly exactly what their struggle was.

 

Comments

[Karen (formerly kcinnova)]

Getting the support you need from friends is an excellent reason to not keep this a secret (and, as you have already said, it's an illness -- a disease -- not a moral failing on the part of anyone). I hope that SB's friends are the best of the best when it comes to supporting her.
I also applaud that you have put your journey (and that is the plural form of "your") on the internet. It will be there for others, months and years from now, when they are searching and feeling alone. What a relief and comfort these blog entries will be to those people you may never meet!

[shrink on the couch]

why would we be ashamed that our daughter has this disease? It's an illness, not a moral failing.

It's a societal issue. Runway models who are near starving. Clothing designers who make clothes for the dangerously thin. Movie actors who look as though a puff of air could blow them away.

I am shocked at how often ED crops up as a hidden, secret issue in the clients I see. We're treating A, B, and C but ED lurks.

[Minnesota Matron]

Open is best -- if SB had diabetes, it wouldn't be a big secret. You're paving the way for a better understanding of this disease!

[Jocelyn]

Keep it a secret would make it into a stigma instead of something that's being approached healthily. Your words about this actually remind me of when I had a miscarriage, and my sister said something about how I should have known better than to tell people I was pregnant before the first trimester was over. I was gobsmacked. If I hadn't told people about the pregnancy or subsequent miscarriage, how could they lend me comfort? How would tamping down my reality help me heal?

So tell away. Those who are given the information are also given the power to be part of the process. It's an honor.

[Cocobean]

I would think that the only person who has any right to ask for privacy (not secrecy) would be SB. Just like any illness, she should have the right to share what she wants, when she wants.

I think all we are looking for as mothers is a way to let someone know when we have learned something that could help someone else's child - to give other mothers (and fathers) the tools and warning signs we wish we had seen.

And to hear that we aren't fighting alone.

[Navhelowife]

I think you are all wise. Things hidden tend to fester and become infected. I think air, fresh air, is healthy.
I work for a psychiatrist. Very often we get people coming to us who are fighting the results of hiding who they are or what they feel until it has eaten away at their very heart. And when they finally release it to the fresh air? They look like a thousand pounds has been lifted from their shoulders.

[MidLyfeMama]

As someone who has had loved ones with various forms of mental health issues, from bipolar disease, anxiety disorders, eating disorders etc. I can tell you that being able to talk about it is huge. People need to know that this happens, and it is treatable. There are so many people who don't get help because they think they are weird, that no one will understand, that people will stop liking or loving them. They feel worthless. By being open about what SB and the family are experiencing you make it OK for others to seek help. To know that they are not alone. That is important. So thank you for sharing.

[Jenrantsraves]

I get it. I do. My concern was just that some people might treat SB differently if they knew, (be constantly observing what she is eating or not eating, commenting on her weight, etc). It sounds like that has not been the case, and I certainly hope that continues. I guess I don't give people enough credit sometimes.

[magpie]

Yes.
One of the reasons I was very upfront about infertility was for the awareness factor. The more people know, the better. Openness is good.

[Green Girl In Wisconsin]

You have a lot of trust to share this, which is cool. I also think it opens up other people for great sensitivity and kindness when they know the whole story.

[lanes]

I think part of what makes EDs so insidious is the silence/hiding that often goes along with them. Plus, I hope that talking about it reinforces that it's nothing to be ashamed of. Go SB and go Team Supportive Family and Friends!

[Busy Bee Suz]

The honesty shared by your family is humbling. I will reflect on this when/if issues come into my life as well. Thanks!

[Brightside-Susan]

I was thinking, with the schedule you outlines, that SB is not in school right now. A long absence is going to create speculation anyway, so much more healthy for all involved to be able to talk openly about it.

[Becky]

Always there for you our friends!

[The Zadge]

Wow! Just getting caught up on your posts having been out of the loop with my own (canine) medical issues! Big props to you and your family with how you are handling this! Holding you in my prayers!

[JCK]

Can't go wrong with honesty. Reaching out & getting back the love is so worth it.

[Wenderina]

I think it is amazing that you are sharing this here and IRL. SB is a brave and beautiful person we have all seen growing up here on your site. The battle will be tough and every small victory should be celebrated. You are proving again that you are the perfect family...not because you have no problems or challenges...but because you face them head on, with dignity, grace, and maybe a few curse words, and most importantly together with deep love and respect.