Eating Disorder Chronicles: Armchair Psychoanalysis

Naturally I have given a lot of thought to the events precipitating Social Butterfly's developing an eating disorder. I cannot say this enough: Her eating disorder was caused by physiological changes resulting from weight loss pursuant to dieting and due to a genetic predisposition.

That said, the question remains, why did she diet to begin with? The following are the reasons I think she wanted to lose weight by remaking her diet to be more healthful (and her diet was not particularly unhealhtful to start with, but she is a teenager). Some of them she and I have talked about, some of them are my supposition.

• I am overweight and have struggled with my weight as long as she's known me. My sister was obese and had gastric bybass surgery. GrownupGirl has her own weight issues and there are weight problems on my husband's side of the family as well. Her impulse to pay attention to healthful eating and exercising to ensure she never became overweight was natural and wise.
• SB was a tiny child--never more than the 50th percentile for height and the 20th for weight. She grew 9.5 inches after she turned 14. Nobody describes a 5'10 girl as "tiny." She was still slender, but she did hear all the time, "You're so tall," or, less accurately, "Wow, you're big." I think it can be difficult to make such a shift in body image.
• The Freshman 15. She was worried about going off to college and gaining weight. Why not develop really healthy habits at home, so she would be settled into those habits before she left home?
• She wasn't playing a sport. Almost all of her life she's been part of one team or another--without having sports practice to count on for exercise, she needed to discipline herself to get the exercise she needed.
• Changes in her body. She'd recently undergone that "softening" that most women go through as they transition from a girl's body to a woman's body. It's not really about weight so much as the distribution of weight and the development of hips.
• This last one may not have been the only reason she went on a diet, but it sure did sting. There was a picture posted of her and her friends on Facebook. It was a candid shot and all the girls were wearing matching slightly oversized t-shirts for a spirit event. SB was reaching for something out of the frame of the photo. Without a doubt it was an unflattering photo taken from a bad angle. A very rude and unkind young man commented, "SB must be reaching for an Oreo." I am going to give the kid the benefit of the doubt and assume he thought it was an okay thing to say because SB wasn't overweight. But it was still rude.

More than one wise commenter has said, "If a desire to be thin caused an eating disorder, then I would have one." So true.

Friend,

You are a good friend with a big heart and you gave some excellent advice that led to personal growth for me, and for that I'm grateful. I have a high tolerance for candor, which is why I am not upset by your comments.

However . . .

You're wrong about this situation. What's "bothering" SB is her eating disorder. Not that she might not have other worries or concerns; don't we all? But they did not "cause" her eating disorder, or even contribute to it--just as cold mothers don't "cause kids" to be autistic or schizophrenic as was once believed.

As for how she looks in the photo from last Sunday--she may not look too thin to you, and I might not think her too thin if I didn't know her. There may be girls that are healhty at that height and weight. She is not one of them. Plus, her weight wasn't stabilized at that place. She would have continued to lose weight. If she lost as much weight in the next two months as she lost in the last two months she would have ended up under 100 lbs. I think we can all agree that 5'10 and 100 lbs. is not okay for anyone.

Also, an eating disorder is not just about weight, it is about state of mind and behaviors. It is not normal, nor desirable, to have your entire diet consist of seven foods you consider "safe."

As to the obesity of America, I absolutely agree that it is a problem. The fact that there are more fat people in the country than there used to be doesn't change the fact that being too thin is also a problem. It is not an either/or proposition.

With Affection,

Jenn

 

Social Buttefly on the first day of high school, 3 and 1/2 years ago. She was just over 5 feet tall.

Social Butterfly about 14 months ago, with her brother, dressed for Homecoming. She weighs much less now than she did then and I think she looks gorgeous, vibrant and healthy in this photo. I would also say this is her "natural" weight.

SB now, the day after she entered the Eating Disorder Program.

 

Thank you to everybody for the amazing support and for those who have let SB and I know these posts are making a difference in your lives--you have no idea what that means to both of us.

 

Comments

[Melinda]

Jenn and SB,
You are incredibly kind to share your journey with us. I will be directing friends here, because I've never found a better description of eating disorders.

I wish you both -- peace and grace and continued courage for your journey. I hope I can exemplify you, the next time I face a hurdle. much love - Melinda

[Catherine]

Dear Jenn and SB, Thank you for sharing your experiences. I find I'm trying to maintain a balance between informing my 2 teenage boys about healthy food choices and nagging them to make sure they eat better. They are both athletes and top students. Your experience scares me and it helps me to be on the lookout for warning signs.

I wish you and your family all the best in your journey to recovery.

[Suzy]

Jenn, whatever is going on in ANYBODY'S head is always a mystery. And, having been a kid myself, I know there are plenty of things I didn't talk about. Whatever caused this shift in SB's thinking can always be helped by therapy, as I've said from the very beginning of this.

If you've been hurt by my comments I'm baffled.

[Jamie]

"America has become a fat country, the fattest in the world. I grew up in an era when we were all thin. We had one fat mom in a 20 mile radius and she stood out like a sore thumb. We always felt bad for her kids, one of whom is my age. That girl today is now as fat as her mom was!"

Not sure what our fat country has to do with SB's eating disorder, the most fatal of all mental disorders.

Suzy, I think you might be baffled because you are so connected to the "beauty at any cost" (I've read many of your comments on this blog) because of the busines you're in. You also come across as self-involved and insensitive.

I remember you making fun of actresses who, in your opinion, looked old at some awards show. Actually, they looked like women their age who hadn't fucked up their faces with plastic surgery.

Maybe Jenn doesn't want SB's appearance lauded when she is clearly ill.

Just my two cents. And please don't bust my balls for this because you never hesitate to offer your two cents.

[gary rith]

again, here is hoping for her health and best wishes to you all...funny to think that what people say can be so powerful---my wife is five 7 and a hundred pounds, I am five 9 and 125 and people give us BOTH a lot of talk about whether we eat or not...and we both DO. We eat exactly what we want and exercise exactly as much as we want, but just like if we were twice our weights and obese: shut the fuch up. For someone young to hear about an oreo or whatever, man, if people would just realize that somebody else's weight is their business and shut up.

[magpie]

Love to you both, Jenn.

[cardinal]

Jenn, this is an awesome primer on eating disorders. Great stuff from a great writer, I guess that's not a surprise!

[gary rith]

I must say, and sorry I have not said it before, but she has good parents who are helping EARLY on and in a supportive way. Goodness, how far things go sometimes before a kid gets help or it is simply too late!

[Christina]

HUGS

[Becca]

wow, in that last photo, she looks like my sister in high school, who had an eating disorder too.

[allmycke]

Big hugs to you all.

[Brightside-Susan]

I always think it must be a mix of things that then, through our own thinking/feeling lead to these disorders. That you can analyze what SB took in to create this behavior is so great. We can't really know anothers thoughts, but we can be aware of the fact that we all have our special way of proessing things and be supportive where we can when we see them heading the wrong way.

[mom taxi julie]

It's a slippery slope for sure.

My best friend from high school had a large mother, aunts, and grandma. She was always taking diet pills and the like. She was about SB's height and always thought she was fat at 120 pounds.

[gary rith]

Sounds to me like the girl was standing at the edge of the cliff and mom and dad each gently grabbed an arm and said "why don't we step back and move to safety and figure out what we can do for you to be happy and healthy?". Just in time :)

[Elizabeth]

I just wanted to let you know that I am reading, I am thinking about you, your daughter and family, and I am wishing the best for you all.

[aaryn b.]

To Jenn and SB,

I want to echo what others have said here: It is courageous and generous of you to share this story so publicly. I didn't think any of your journey would apply to me, but was reading because I care about you, Jenn, as a friend IRL, and you, SB, as her daughter I only know through the Internet.

But the photo of you and your dad really got me to thinking. My first reaction when I saw it the other day was, "Wow, she looks fit. I wish I could look like that." (Cue the needle being dragged across the record). Even though I know what you're going through, that was nevertheless the very first thought in my head. And it made me stop and think about my perception of beauty and what constitutes normal weight and good health, both physical and psychological. Clearly, I've bought into the myth, on some level, that skinny=better. (Not that this is why you, SB, have lost so much weight. I realize this is not about that anymore.)

But look: I'm 5'10" tall. I weigh 145 pounds. I'm fit. And I look good. Or at least, I should feel like I look good. But my whole life, I've wanted to be skinnier and fitter, to be something other than what I am, which is perfectly normal and healthy for *me*. It distresses me greatly that my first reaction to your picture was hmmm-she-doesn't-look-like-she-has-an-eating-disorder even though I knew as I scrolled that you do. It distresses me that my lizard brain is that powerful; it distresses me that I've bought into some unreal, unhealthy ideal.

My point is just to say that I've learned something from your story and have been percolating on it for days. Again, thank you so much for being so brave and open.

[Karen (formerly kcinnova)]

I am still here reading, still amazed by your courage in sharing your story, and still pulling for you all. ♥

[Busy Bee Suz]

Gosh, I just read this post 2 times and the comments 3x!
I thought I left a note...and I didn't.
I love that you are sharing and I can't say enough how I am glad that you and your husband are SB's parents. You've taken such a healthy approach to this, mentally and physically.
She has a solid foundation and wonderful support. AND sharing your story is helping others....my eyes are WIDE open.
xo

[Jenn @ Juggling Life]

You are wise to keep an eye open--anorexia is not just for girls, anymore. There are two boys in Kinseys program.

[Jenrantsraves]

I just wanted to say that I admire how you handle things so much. I hope it helps SB to know that she has a lot of people (some she doesn't even know) pulling for her.

[Green Girl In Wisconsin]

Those pictures really tell the story--and I look at them and see what you probably CAN miss when you're around a person every day.
I imagine food to be like alcohol. Problematic for some, not a problem for others. Who am I to judge. One beer can spell trouble for one person for reasons I may never fully comprehend. I think the lesson here is sensitivity for where others are at, even if it's not where WE are at ourselves.

[Aunt Snow]

Much love and support for you. I do not know what this is like, either in person or as a parent, so I will keep my foolish mouth shut and just tell you how amazed I am at your strength and goodness.

[Jocelyn]

Everything in this post: well and graciously handled, as ever.

[JCK (Motherscribe)]

Thank you for sharing this journey- SB and Jenn.

[suburbancorrespondent]

I missed this post. But, yes, it's clear from the pictures that there was starting to be a problem. When the face starts looking too big for the body, that's your clue. A lot of models look that way these days, which is why some people looking at that picture might think it looks normal. It's great that you noticed in time. Another month, and it would have been much harder to fix.

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