Body Image: The Myth of Thin as a Universal Ideal

When one has both a daughter with anorexia and a looming milestone birthday, one gives a lot of thought to body image and how f*ed up about their own body image most women are.*

I have been shocked to find that something I have believed my whole life has turned out not to be true and I'm pretty irritated I spent the better part of fifty years believing it. I accepted without question the idea that virtually all men only find women within a very narrow size range--a size range I haven't seen since I first got pregnant--attractive.

I'm not going to say that's the only reason that I've worried about my weight over the years or wasted time with woulda, coulda, shoulda when it comes to diet and exercise, but it's definitely been a factor. Who wants to feel that if they were in the market for a guy, they wouldn't merit a second-glance from anyone until they starved themselves down to a "desirable" weight? 

I'm also not saying my weight in general has been at the top of my things-that-occupy-space-in-my-crazy-full-brain, but it hasn't been at the bottom either.

It's been an utter shock to get out into the world--armed with a flattering wardrobe and some kick-ass shoes--and to realize that there are men that find me--a solid size 14--to be worth a second glance. And not in a you'd-be-pretty-if-you-lost-weight kind of way, but in a you-look-pretty-damned-good-the-way-you-are kind of way.

I think it took me six months to pick up on it when I was being flirted with--and a couple of more before I realized it was totally okay for me to flirt back even though I'm not a size eight. What a revelation.

 Edited to add:

I finished writing this post and went to read a few blogs; I came across a post written by a gorgeous woman in her forties. She has a body that I guarantee all of you would consider thin--or at the very least, thin enough (whatever that means). The post was about weight loss. This was my comment.

I think we should work harder at accepting ourselves than we do at changing ourselves--unless there is a medical reason to lose weight, don't. Accept yourself--exercise because it makes you feel better, don't eat too much crap because it makes you feel bad and love yourself unconditionally. If you can do it for your kids, you should be able to do it for their mother.

I believe this, and while I wish I'd known it for the last few decades, at least I've got the next few to live it.

 * If you are interested in other perspectives on body image, Jen on the Edge is doing a lot of writing on the subject and she is also involved in a Facebook group, The Eleanor Project, that I am loving. I snapchat photos fron their site to Social Butterfly frequently.  

Edited again to add: I ran this post by the aforemention, Jen, because I was afraid of sounding cougar-ish (I am not) or otherwise inappropriate. She assured me I do not, but suggested I just throw that out there, so you know what I was thinking. As many of Jen's ideas are, that was a good one. 

 

 

 

Comments

[Susan Walker]

I am reading a book that was written by a couple who spent years compiling literally billions of internet searches to find what people were looking for/interested in/found attractive in the opposite sex. With men, for every search done for a naked, slim woman, there were four times as many searches for a naked, voluptuous/BBW. Also? Five times more searches for women in their 40's than for young women. Fascinating, huh? (My boss told me about the book when I was complaining about my weight, even though, like you, I have had a handful of men tell me I'm beautiful and flirt with me in recent years.)

[falnfenix]

i have a link to send you later this evening. it's VERY not work safe, but it certainly helped me with my body issues.

[Albug]

Oh that body image thing, what a s.o.b. it is.
A long time ago I realized that it wasn't important to be the woman every man noticed when I walked into the room but to be the woman they remembered when I left.
Now my husband is the only person I need to please and he loves and desires this body after 46 years.

[Jen on the Edge]

As you know, this is something near and dear to my heart, as I have worked hard to undo 25 years of body image issues. Thankfully, I'm getting closer to accepting myself as I am and to appreciate what I have.

[Patience]

It's great that you've learned to be comfortable in your body. Confidence and self-acceptance are sexy, so no wonder the menfolk are interested!

[Karen (formerly kcinnova)]

It SHOULD be about health.
I think part of the reason our culture is so messed up (hello, tribute to victims of the Sandy Hook shooting tragedy, soon followed by violent movie commercials on SuperBowl Sunday) is that we allow those with ZERO interest in our well-being to dictate what is presented to us on a daily basis as The Goal.

I'm proud of you for how far you've come. What a great example you and Jen are to your daughters.
I know I am "preaching to the choir" when I state that there is more to dress size than just numbers. I have broad shoulders and a larger-than-average bone structure; size 14 is my thin size.

[Claudia]

Hallelujah and THANK YOU for this!

[Green Girl in Wisconsin]

Healthy and confident is a million times more attractive than the alternative. Great post, Jenn!

[Jenrantsraves]

As you know, I've been immersing myself in photography lately, and I have been stunned by the amount of editing that goes on in most photographs. My husband (as a graphic designer) has shown me some things he's worked on that would knock your socks off. I am realizing more and more that the majority of things we see in magazines, and on television are completely fake, and yet that is what we are measuring ourselves against!

[gary rith]

as a man, I have to tell you, what I see is the SMILE...and women may be more hard on themselves and other women than anyone else! men are too busy thinking about beer and hockey ;)

[Brightside-Susan]

I agree with his - I was never one of the thin girls and rarely let it bother me too much that my body type wasn't the "popular" one because I had the attention of men - maybe not college boys, but men. I know that attitude has a lot to do with it, too. Even at my advanced age!

[Jocelyn]

This topic is huge and important, and you know I totally identify with it. I love that you're sharing so openly, too. I listen to Adam Carolla's podcast and appreciate that he's always critiquing the "Most Sexy" lists, noting that they appear to be compiled by women and gay men, as he and all the men he knows prefer flesh and real over tiny and "toned."

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