In Which I am Over being Called a Girl and I Have an Aha Moment

I have a very large capacity for outrage at injustice and inequity and a virtually endless capacity to discuss it.

This is probably why Nicole and I got shushed in the waiting room at the oral surgeon's while Social Butterfly was getting her wisdom teeth pulled (send healing wishes and heavy whipping cream). Nicole and I might be sorta-kinda-very-similar in our knowledge of, and enthusiasm for, our "issues." So there we were, animatedly discussing feminism, misogyny and rape culture and and an old man shushed us. Loudly.

I have always been a feminist, but never a militant one. I was not ever one to call anyone out for referring to me as a girl. Now I wonder about the wisdom of that. Was I complicit in maintaining the cultural attititude of dismissivenes and marginalization toward girls and women that is more pervasive today than it was when I was actually a girl?

Probably, though I didn't do it maliciously.

I am telling you now though, that I am still being called a girl, at 50-years old, by men both old (If you're over 70, imma cut you a break) and young, or at least no older than me is starting to seriously grate.

Cool artist dude whose work I was digging today at the La Jolla Art Festival? Asking us to let you know if "you girls have any questions' means I wouldn't buy your work even if I did have a spare 3,000K. 

One of the things Nicole and I were discussing (we were almost whispering at this point) was my epiphany, after reading about the James Madison University clusterf**k, was it may be one of the reasons it's so hard for men--administrators, campus police, judicial affairs, etc.--to accept that a rape was committed may be due to widespread consumption of pornography. 

In this case, there was videotape, made by the men, of the young woman having sex with three (former) friends after drinking heavily (drinking should negate ability to consent). The video is said to show her attempting to pull her shirt back down to cover herself and other actions that would indicate she wasn't into it. The judicial affairs committee said they couldn't determine it hadn't been consensual.

I was a party girl back in the day (I was definitely still a girl--under 21). Big-time. I hung out with other big-time party girls and quite a few party-boys as well. 

Not once, did I, or any of my friends, or any of my friends-friends, or any of my friends-friends-friends ever say, "You know what sounds like a bitchin' time tonight? I think I'd like a gang-bang with some guys I have class with on Monday. That sounds like my idea of a good time."

It. Doesn't. Happen.

These male yahoos in positions of power seem to be watching their wet dream unfold on the screen or in the victim's story and start with the assumption it's consensual. 

Oddly, when anyone mentions presuming the rapist is guilty until proven otherwise, the handful of false accusation cases are trotted out as though written on stone tablets next to the Ten Commandments.

It makes me (and Nicole) a little shouty. Sorry. 

Do not mess with these two. I mean it.

 

 

Comments

[Magpie]

"Girl" is totally one of my pet peeves. Hell, I cringe when my peers talk about their "girlfriends".

[Cassi]

It's interesting that being polite, and nice, and therefore NOT telling people that "girl" is inappropriate, has probably backfired. Just a few weeks ago, Emma's guitar teacher called us both girls --he's a nice guy, I doubt he meant it condescendingly, and yet of course it was condescending. And I didn't say anything.

As a gender, we need to learn to stand up for ourselves, be assertive without being unkind. Next time, I'm going to try to it.

[Karen (formerly kcinnova)]

I'm ashamed to say that I knew nothing of the JMU clusterf*ck. Expelled AFTER graduation? WTH?!? Granted, it didn't take place on their campus, but what a weird "punishment."
I've never really thought of girl(s) being a put-down. I'll be more aware of it now, I'm sure. I do know that in Germany, it is considered a put-down if you refer to someone as "Fraulein" when she is clearly old enough to be honored with "Frau." (Which rendered some of my high school German unusable when we lived there 18 years ago.)

[JCK]

Agreed. 100%! You have probably read it, but there was a well written, very disturbing article written a couple of months ago in the Atlantic. It's about the frat boy culture. There is indeed a societal shift that as happening that bears much further discussion.

[Busy Bee Suz]

Holy crap….I was only able to read part of that article. (it kept closing on me!) How does that even happen? Makes no sense whatsoever.
Someone shushed you? And you weren't in kindergarten ? what the hell? The nerve….
Honestly though, I refer to my friends as 'girl friends'….I had no idea that was a bad thing.

[Jocelyn]

Shout away, and screw the shush-ers. A couple nights ago, I was shushed, too, and I'm not over it yet. We were sitting in an offensive fundraising scenario, in which the financial contributions of the MBAs, lawyers, and doctors in my graduating college class were pitted against each other, in an effort to get everyone to give more. Our class had already ponied up 1.5 million dollars as a gift. Our class is made up of far more than MBAs, lawyers, and doctors. I was deeply offended on behalf of all of us donators who are teachers, stay-at-home parents, social workers, public policy workers, etc. Then someone shushed me.

I left.

Because, as a grown woman, I can choose not to support the situations that offend me.

Keep talking, girl.

And, yea, I used "girl" on purpose there. Hee.

[Aunt Snow]

I worked for twenty years in a blue collar, largely male atmosphere, and the only times I heard the word "girl" was generic ("open up the light on the girl in the white dress") or ironic.

Then at 45, I began working in a typical American office environment, and heard everyone calling Grown Women administrative workers "girls." Quite unsettling.