Juggling Life

Emerging Adulthood or Delayed Adulthood?

The title of the article was What Is It About 20-Somethings? This piqued my interest since I have kids that are 20 and 25, and a couple of more that will be there soon. Plus, I’ve asked myself that question a few times recently . . . the twenties are just so different than they were 26 years ago, when I turned 20.

I followed a fairly traditional path by marrying at 23, buying a home at 25 and having my first child at 26. By 30 I was done (presumably!) having kids and was settled into the house I will likely own for the rest of my life. I have always been happy that I had my kids when I was young—by the time my husband and I reach 53 & 52 respectively we’ll be done with supporting our offspring; our youngest will have graduated college (that’s the plan, anyway).

The article details what most of us—and certainly I—have noticed; 30 seems to be the new 22. “Emerging Adulthood” is the name given to this somewhat-controversial new life phase. The controversy surrounds whether it’s an actual phase, given that it’s a Western thing, not a universal thing and whether it’s a phase or just Baby Boomers spoiling their kids.

My feeling is that “Emerging Adulthood” has come to be an acceptable, if recent, stage of life for American youth. And really, I don’t have a problem with that. Self-exploration, self-fulfillment, higher education, seeing the world—these are all worthwhile goals.

IF, and this is a big if for me, the explorers do it on their own dime. If the self-exploration is being bankrolled by parents, it’s not “Emerging Adulthood,” it’s “Delayed Adulthood.”

Life is, and always has been, a series of trade-offs. If you want to live in a nice house you work at a job that makes good money. Said job is probably not something in the arts. If the arts are your passion you may have to live more simply to finance following your passion.

If you want to graduate from college and travel through Europe—GO!—it will be a great experience. Work at whatever job you can get, live in a cheap apartment with several roommates, save every penny you make and then, when YOU have enough money—GO.

Finding and following your passion is an amazing thing—but you should work for it, not have it gifted to you.  The material life you lead while pursuing your passion—will likely not resemble the lifestyle you may have grown up leading; that life’s many creature comforts were financed by years of hard work on the part of your parents. If you want the same comforts, WORK for them.

I am happy to provide my oldest daughter with a home in the summer; she’s financing her grad school through loans and living in a dorm during the school year. I’ll likely do the same thing for the rest of the kids when/if they choose grad school. But, beyond that, in this family we are done supporting you when you graduate from college. Sooner if you choose not to go to college.

“Emerging Adulthood” is one thing. “Delayed Adulthood” + “Extended Parenting Years” is another thing entirely.

Tether!

Mr. Fix-it and I were taking a walk Sunday night and a couple of girls were in their yard playing tetherball. Ahhh, the memories.

When the kids were young Mr. Fix-it sunk a tetherball pole into a tire filled with concrete. We kept it on the street in front of our house (but clear of the basketball hoop). Our kids and all the kids in the neighborhood had a great time with it. Danger Boy and Social Butterfly were both reigning champs at the elementary school because they played at home so much.

I even played once in a while.

DB and I were out front playing a rousing match when my neighbor came out from her house and called out to me. I turned to answer her.

Uh-oh.

You should have seen the look on her face as DB hit the ball forcefully, the ball came around and my neck became the tetherball pole.

Yes, I had a brush with death while playing a playground game.

So, have your children ever almost killed you? Please tell me I’m not the only one.

 

 

P.S. I may yet have the chance to be killed by an errant rope/ball combo—we’re dragging the setup out of the shed and giving it to the neighbor boys this weekend.

Sometimes you Need a Fence

I’m sure your familiar with the term “free-range parenting.” It’s a hot topic. In general I agree with the theory. I think we tend to infantilize older children sometimes in our desire to protect them from harm.

I’d have to say that I think free-range parenting has a lot more going for it than helicopter parenting.

Then again, I think there is a middle ground between these extremes that can be very successful.

I don’t know where I read this (I’ve read more parenting and child-development books than you can imagine), so I can’t give credit, but this has always stuck with me:

Children raised by authoritarian parents are often unhappy adults. Children raised by permissive parents are generally happy adults if they live to adulthood. Children of authoritative parents tend to survive to adulthood and are reasonably happy.

Can you guess which style I strive to employ?

I recently read this post  by Ann Nichols on OpenSalon. You really should click and read to the very end. In case you can’t, let my synopsize for you. She has a 13-year old son who is happy and successful and she practice free-range parenting (good luck in the teen years with that strategy—unless you have a naturally straight arrow kid (which does happen)). She ends the post with a shocker. When her son was in 1st grade he and a friend were riding a bike and scooter when the friend rode down a hill, into traffic and was killed.

I believe we are supposed to take away that it was an acceptable price for the practice of free-range parenting.

I don’t think that was an instance of free-range parenting. I think that it was irresponsible parenting. I’ve had four kids riding bikes at very young ages (Social Butterfly was 3) and for a while BMX style racing, replete with ramps in the cul-de-sac  and trips to the track was the rage. Later it was mountain biking (which they still do).

So I know kids and bikes. There is no way I would have let my 1st grader be unsupervised on a street that was a high hill. They don’t have the judgment and their physical skills are developed far beyond their intellectual abilities. That’s why they need parents.

I want my children happy, but I am going to shoot for alive and happy versus settling for dead and happy.

I have never bubble-wrapped them, but I do look out for and guide them (I sort of thought that was part of my job description as “mom”). I just don’t get the extremes on either side.

What do you think? What’s your parenting style?

Doing Stuff

The downside of kids that do stuff is that “stuff” usually requires meetings. I like to say I’m a recovering compulsive volunteer, but honestly, the recovering part is probably a lie.

Would a recovering volunteer be the secretary of the water polo association? I’m thinking not. That was last night’s meeting.

Tonight was the high school swim team meeting—lots of check writing involved—with everything times two (well, not everything—Danger Boy doesn’t “require” near the amount of paraphernalia that Social Butterfly does).

One thing I do like about long meetings with groups in which you are getting information you’ve already known for several years is that it does provide the ideal setting to amuse your friends with sly asides and well-timed one-liners. (In a completely non-disruptive way, of course).

The best thing that happened at the meeting? I got to completely ignore the bitching and moaning about how people are supposed to get their kids to the 5:45 a.m. before school practices. It may cost me thousands of dollars a year in insurance and gas, but at least I’m not the one doing the driving!

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Since teenagers aren’t much for posing for pictures in public places—like the airport security line—this was the best I could do. Danger Boy and Social Butterfly are off for a snowboarding weekend in Colorado with MVP. Did I ever mention I’d like to be reincarnated as my own child?

Southwest had an awesome 3-day sale a couple of months ago. I scored two round-trip tickets to Denver for $212. That’s practically giving them away, right?

I must say thanks to all the acquaintances that have pointed out to me that three of my children will be together in a car on a snowy mountain road in a state 1,000 miles away. Thanks! I hadn’t thought of that. And those of you that mentioned that I sure was trusting to leave my innocent 15-year old daughter alone in a house with several college boys? Thanks, again! You rock!(Since two of those boys are her very protective older brothers I think it will be okay).

On the upside they will get some serious bonding time in as they risk life and limb without parental supervision in Vail.

On another note . . .

The chest x-ray was negative (for both Tuberculosis and lung cancer) which is all kinds of awesome. However, since a positive TB test indicates inactive TB, the CDC now recommends a 6-9 month course of Isoniazid—which is hard on your liver. So I’m reading up about false-positives and all other manner of TB info. Because honestly, I cannot imagine where I would have been exposed to TB. I mean I don’t even travel to the bad parts of San Diego—let alone developing countries that would put me at risk of contracting TB.

The school nurse that did my test has only had one other person test positive in her career—and school nurses do a boatload of tests. This is very odd to say the least.

At least I’ll have plenty of time to look into this matter this weekend—Mr. Fix-it is away on business, which means I have three whole days at home alone. It’s every mother’s dream! Just think . . . I will return to a house exactly as I left it. I’m a little verklempt just thinking of it.

So besides internet research what will I be up to? Dinner with friends here Friday night, lunch with a friend on Saturday and book group here on Sunday. I don’t think I’ll have a chance to get too lonely!

Homecoming OR I Might Just Leave Home

For those of you who have only boys . . . CONGRATULATIONS! You will never know the behind-the-scenes machinations that take place surrounding a major dance. Lucky you.

I try not to get involved, but I’d have to be deaf, dumb and blind not to pick up on some things. Like the lovely young lady who told Social Butterfly, “There are 36 people invited to the dinner party and you and your date were 35 and 36, but then so-and-so decided to come, so you’re out. IDK what you want to do.”

You know what bothered me most about this? IDK. Really? You didn’t have time to actually say, “I don’t know?” You must really be strapped for time (in addition to being a right beyotch).

Whatev. SB made other plans. But. This isn’t the only drama game in town and some of it is so convoluted and people are getting truly hurt and there really isn’t anything a mom can (or should) do. The kids are going to have to figure this out on their own. Which is a) how they learn and b) the reason most people say they wouldn’t go back to high school for a million bucks.

And high school with Facebook and texting and IMing? Is way harder than high school in the dark ages (you know . . . the 80s).

Setting the Record Straight

I feel a little like I threw MVP under the proverbial bus yesterday--blogging about his unfortunate misdeed. Though it is a valid question--what kind of an idiot loses a mattress on the freeway? Apparently the kind that uses the rope that has been used to tie up bear bags on his 73 mile backpacking trip through Yellowstone. (The rope must have been weakened and a knot broke).

So today I thought I'd give him credit for being the kind of kind of kid who is stoked about his classes. Apparently, Intro to Wildlife Fisheries is a more dynamic and exciting course than I might think it would be by the name alone.

And the kind of kid who prefers summer break in Yellowstone to spring break in Cancun. And mountain biking and fly-fishing Mammoth with his family in Mammoth to endless partying at the beach with his old high school buddies. Also, it was his idea to have his little sister come visit him this winter so he could take her snowboarding.

Plus, he bought new sheets and is cleaning his house for my sojourn at his new house Friday night.

Yes, he does have a few redeeming qualities.

                       Yellowstone-Day ? 73 miles in 8 days

                     One with nature, none with a razor!

Destination Procrastination

If you're truly a procrastinator you will probably mock me for wearing the label myself. If you employ a broader interpretation of the word though, I definitely qualify.

Summer has what? Approximately 12 weeks in it. So why do I wait until 2 weeks before the end of it to schedule everything within a 1 week time span? Doctors, dentists, orthodontist, CPR/1st Aid certification, TB test--all that stuff that you want to do in the summer so you don't miss school.

Just for fun I schedule it on the week I'm throwing a little party and the same week Danger Boy has started Hell Week(s) with it's 2 a day practices--the 1st practice beginning at 5:30 a.m. Wait? Why doesn't he want to go to the dentist in the afternoon? And why did he insist I hit up Costco for hundreds of dollars worth of bagels, pasta and waffles today?

Now I realize that if I was a champion procrastinator this stuff would all be scheduled on one day on September 7. So I guess I should give myself a little bit of credit. Still it does make we wonder about myself when there were many days earlier in the summer spent with a*s firmly planted on couch and nothing more pressing on the agenda than blog reading or an episode of Army Wives.

There's something in my nature I suppose--a hidden love of being under the gun that makes me decide on a schedule that requires me to ping-pong from appointment to appointment until I'm exhausted and baffled by own behavior.

If you see me speeding up the 15 you'll have to forgive me--I'm running late for my next appointment!

A Fly on the Wall

When your kids are in a certain age range, say 13 to 18, there is a definite finesse to your involvement with them and their friends in social situations. The past few days, at the Junior Olympics, with Danger Boy and his team and Social Butterfly and her friend, I got to put my finesse to the test--especially on the two 8+ hour car rides and the many trips from hotel to pool and back. I would say that the fact that we all--kids and adult--had a blast was due, in some part, to my technique.

Basically, you need to realize that your role is to be in the background. A fly on the wall if you will. It's not that you can't ever speak, but do so sparingly and with full awareness of your audience. Even if you're funny (which I like to think I am) use your sense of humor in a targeted and limited way. Also, this is not the time to be uptight. Rules that you enforce at home may need to be suspended in the interest of not being a perpetual wet blanket. Specifically, I'm talking about cursing. Let it slide. In addition, if you can be open to their musical tastes and volume levels that works in your favor.

If you play your cards right you'll be rewarded with a drive home that is as fun as the one I had Tuesday. I was on the verge of exhaustion after 4 nights in a hotel (the sleep is never as good as what you get at home) and a 6 a.m. rising that morning (have I mentioned that I really like my morning sleep) as I set out on a trip from San Jose to San Diego that didn't commence until 3:15 in the afternoon. Along for the ride were DB, two other players, SB and her friend Peanut.

When we encountered an absolute jerk of a driver on the 101 (what is it with Bay Area drivers?!) and DB asked if he could moon him I couldn't think of a reason to say no. I'm not sure if the jerky driver appreciated it, but the rest of us did. When we were playing musical iPods with DB as the deejay I gave a very brief statement that I was not condoning misogyny by playing the rap music, but rather choosing to appreciate the poetic skills of Snoop Doggy Dog and Tupac. Then I turned up the volume.

I was rewarded with all-car sing-alongs to music ranging from Taylor Swift's Love Story to 3OH!3's Don't Trust Me (Do the Helen Keller and Talk with your Hips) to Mickey Avalon's My Dick. I got to introduce their next generation to Meat Loaf via Wasted Youth. The impromptu duet of Irving Berlin's Anything You Can Do, by Peanut and one of the boys, was a priceless moment that passed with no comment from me.

Did you know that teenagers with iPhones will actually communicate with each other via writing on each other's FaceBook walls while sitting right next to each other in the car? Mind-boggling but true.

We all shared the bonding experience of a near-death experience as we drove through L.A. on the 405 South at 10 p.m. We were cruising down the freeway at 70 mph (the minimum you can do on an L.A. freeway if you don't want someone to mow you down) when a car came right into our lane (what is it with L.A. drivers?) with no warning. I braked and swerved and and a beat later we released our collective breaths (and a few choice epithets). "Excellent evasive maneuver, Mrs. Juggling" was the comment from the backseat.

It was 12:15 when I pushed the button on the garage door opener at home. I was tired, still a little wired from caffeine and adrenaline, happy to be home safely and grateful for the chance to spend some quality time with some kids that won't need me for road trips for much longer.

If It Bugs You . . . Blog It!

I figure that if something has been rattling around in my head for a few days, I need to talk about it. Thanks for listening.

Social Butterfly recently chose to play water polo for the high school instead of doing cheer. Because the Juggling family likes to put their all into whatever they do, SB is at a water polo camp at UCSB this week, so she can shorten the learning curve on playing a new sport. (Her brother, Danger Boy, is there too. No, he's not being nice to her--in case you wondered, as I did).

Eight boys and six girls are attending the camp and we all convened at the train station last weekend so the kids could ride up together. Four of the girls have obviously been friends for a while and are a pretty tight group. SB and the other girl going are not really "in" with that group of girls. I don't think they're "out" with them either--this is just a group of girls that have been tight for a long time, since elementary school. Anyway . . .

At the train station one of the moms broke out matching, decorated t-shirts for the four girls to change into for the train ride. Is it just me, or isn't that tacky? Now SB doesn't seem to care, but I just think it's rude. Four girls out of a group of twenty? Questionable. Four girls out of a group of six? Exclusionary and a bit mean.

SB and her best friend did sometimes wear matching clothes when they were younger (soooo much younger), but I think matching one friend for fun--and not at a Girl Scout meeting or choir practice--is different than this.

I know that when I'm in charge of, or part of, any group I do my best to discourage cliquey behavior. To me this just reinforces it. I wonder about a mom who could look at the roster and then decide it was worth excluding two girls who might (but weren't) be hurt by being excluded. Or maybe it just wasn't on her radar at all. Probably not. I bet it would be front and center if that four girls were in a group of 15 and the other 11 all had matching t-shirts.

I'm just sayin'.

On the upside . . . thank goodness my girl could give a fig.