Juggling Life

The One my Kids Probably Ought to Skip (No, really, I talk about sex)

Three very smart women whose opinions I respect, Mrs. G.,Phd in Yogurtry, and my neighbor all told me Hope Springs was a terrible movie. Naturally, I had to see for myself. 

Gag.

They were all right and I sure wish two of my favorite actors hadn't been starring in it. Sorry, Tommy Lee and Meryl that was a swing and a miss.

What a depressing movie. I guess one of the reasons I've been married for 25 years is that I would not put up with being lonely in my marriage to that extent for five seconds. We would be going for H-E-L-P immediately. We would have had a major blow-out, clear the air, fight and gotten through it. The need for those fights goes down the longer you've been together--I'd bet we'll go 10 years this time (trying to remember the last huge fight and I really can't), but in the early years? We were hammering shit OUT.

The resolution of everything through sex was also stupid. Sex is a symptom, not a cure. Take care of the underlying issues (and there can be many including just being damn tired) and the sex generally resolves itself. Communication begets intimicy which begets sex. It doesn't work in reverse in my experience. All couples have dry spells . . . the trick is to recognize them and realize you need to pay some attention to your relationship.

While I'm speaking so frankly, I will have to say that movies always portray the toddler years as hard on your sex life. I don't really get that as my kids were in bed by 7 p.m. and weren't getting out of bed until at least 5 a.m. That's a lot of free hours. On the other hand, when they're teenagers you have to have them come into your room at 10 or 11 p.m. every Friday or Saturday night to wake you up so you know they're home (and so you can make sure they're social life isn't getting too crazy) and then they're up for three more hours.

In the end, I'm glad I saw the movie just so I could write this post. Also? I would probably never have occasion to share my thought that IF you were going to give someone a bj in a movie theatre, it might be better to just lean over and not try to kneel on the floor. 

Anybody out there have thoughts to share?

 

 

Contemplating Forgiveness (and Apologies)

Back in April, when Social Butterfly was still  deep in the throes of her eating disorder, I referenced some high school drama that took place. I won't ever share all the details publicly in this space, because I wouldn't want a permanent record of the terrible things these particular girls did and said--it is my hope that time and maturity will do their work and these girls will have to carry the burden of their behavior with them forever.

I know from personal experience that mistakes you make when you're young can stick with you forever. I still feel the heat of shame when I think about a very unkind thing I said to a friend when we were both 13 years old. I am quick-witted and on my toes verbally, which is usually a good thing, but I had to learn the hard way to temper that quickness with an equally speedy check of whether what's about to come out of my mouth is cruel--I love to get a laugh, but not at the expense of hurting another person. I apologized mere seconds after this particular incident, but the damage was done. She forgave me, but I have not forgiven myself.

There have been a couple of apologies in the aftermath of the incident involving SB's former friends. I think the people involved may read this blog ocassionally, but even if they don't I think the following is still worth pointing out so we all remember these rules.

A real apology does not contain the word "but." 

A real apology does not seek to deflect or assign blame to the recipient(s) of the apology.

A real apology doesn't hint (or explicitly state) that you're apologizng because you don't want to feel guilty for not having apologized. Or that you're worried about repercussions from outside sources if you don't apologize.

A real apology is concerned with the feelings of the wronged, not the feelings of the wrong-doer.

A real apology comes from the heart--and believe me, the recipient can tell whether an apology does or does not.

As for that other lauded aspect of forgiveness--forgetting--I'm not a huge fan of forgetting. I am more a fan of the maxim that those who forget are doomed to repeat the same mistakes.

I would say that in this case, SB and I have forgiven--in that way that you consider the situation of the person who has hurt you and understand why it went down the way it did. I have to say that the forgiveness had next-to-nothing to do with the apologies (I'm sure you can read between the lines here to see they were not what I would consider real apologies, but more self-serving attempts at assuaging guilt) and more to do with the fact that carrying a grudge is a poison to the soul of the grudge-holder.

Forgiveness and moving forward I am a fan of--but forgetting--I don't think so; SB and I want to ensure we don't end up in a repeat of that situation, ever. I love the Russell Hoban Frances series and this whole thing reminds of Frances' mistreatment at the hands of her "friend" Thelma, and Frances saying, "Careful once, careful twice,/ Being careful isn't nice./ Being friends is better." Yes, being friends IS betther, but it's not always possible--and you need to know when to make that call.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Turned Down the News, Turned Up the Music and Found My Smile

In the beginning of March, my life was as hard as it has ever been (which I am always aware is not nearly as hard as many others' lives). My daughter had rapidly descended into anorexia, my husband was gone half the time for economic reasons and I'd started working full-time for the first time since I had kids.

The full-time job includes a 30 to 45-minute commute twice daily plus driving as part of my job. I have always been an NPR listener--never music, always information. All the time I was spending in the car meant a lot more information. Sometimes the same information several times a day.

Also in March was my birthday and for that I got an iPhone. I had an iPod adapter in the car and so I started turning on Pandora and listening to music. I played my music loud and I danced. For 30 to 45-minutes twice I day I rocked out in my own little bubble.

You know what?

It made me feel better. So much better.

I can't even tell you the last time I listened to NPR--and I miss certain shows a lot. Fresh Air especially. But it just seems that I needed to learn to turn off my brain for a while everyday. Music does that for me; I'm sure many other people have used music like that their whole lives, but I wasn't one of them.

It took big changes to take me back to that skinny 13-year old girl walking to the community pool with an AM/FM transistor radio glued to her ear and being thrilled every time she heard Margaritaville.

I got an iPod dock for the kitchen as well and the TV stays off and the music plays for the most part.

If something earthshattering happens it will show up on my Twitter Feed or Facebook timeline and I can research more about it if I want to--and I often do.

You know the saying "You think too much"? It applies to me. Happily, I've recaptured the art of just not thinking so much.

Also?

You probably already knew The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Barenaked Ladies, Modest Mouse, The Strokes and Jimmy Eat World have made some great music, but it was sort of news to me. I'm pretty sure I was listening to Raffi when those bands first hit; nobody will ever accuse me of being cutting edge on the music scene!

 

 

Patrick Walks

After my last post, venting loudly about some rude people who live in my neighborhood, some feel-good news is in order.

And I have just the story.

Before you hear the story though, you need to hear the backstory.

Since early elementary school Social Butterfly has had a schoolmate named Patrick Ivison. (He's all over the internet, so I'm not giving anything away.) In addition to attending the same elementary, middle and high schools, Patrick was in the same Cub Scout pack as Danger Boy. His mother and I know each other through volunteering at the elementary school.

Patrick is a very smart, extremely personable and funny kid. That he's quadraplegic often seems beside the point except inasmuch as it is related to the fact that both he and his mother are tremendous fighters with determination and perseverance that rises to the level of being inspirational. Then again, they're really just regular folks.

This clip from the Today Show several years ago will introduce you to Patrick and explain how he came to be in a wheelchair.

 

 604 students walked across the stage at the Scripps Ranch High School graduation last week. Including Patrick. It was a truly amazing, transcendent experience and I think everyone in the arena will consider having been there to witness it a highlight of their lives. I know I do.

Patrick handled my asking him to let the driver load him and his wheelchair before the general bus boarding began on Grad Night with a grace that a few other kids and parents could certainly learn from. Patrick grabbed a couple of friends and was good to go.

He is headed to USC Film School in the fall and when you see his name as the director's credit on the big screen someday, remember when you first heard of him.

I really hope you click this link so you can have just a hint of what it was like to watch Patrick recieve his high school diploma--also, his all-white cap and gown ensemble is for having a 4.0 or higher GPA. He's quite a multi-talented guy.

 

If you'd like to learn more about Patrick's fight to walk and the technologies and fund-raising involved, his website is Help Patrick Walk.

 

 

 

 

Eating Disorder Chronicles: College Looming

MidLyfeMama  left the following comment on my Frazzled post. Her comment is one of the reasons I blog this--other people have powerful life experiences they are willing to share. That helps.

You really do have a lot going on! I need to express a concern that is formed only from what I read here, and not from actually living your life and being involved with SB on a day to day basis so I acknowledge that I am working with limited information. That being said, I have been working with college students for over 20 years now, and I know the challenges that going to college presents to students even under the most ideal circumstances, but I have been witness to the particular challenges faced by students with eating disorders. Some students respond very well to the independence and newly found control they have at college, others spiral right back into old habits and end up in a very bad place with regard to their mental state and ED. One student in particular I found heart breaking. She ended up taking a leave twice over the span of two years to go back into treatment and ultimately withdrew because she simply could not manage college and dealing with her ED at the same time. My concern with SB is that there is this pressure to achieve her goal weight and make progress in time to go to college and that the launch into her college life will come so soon after getting a handle on her ED. I am sure it is something you are talking about, but I needed to say it. I am amazed at both her strength and fortitude but also yours.

Social Butterfly going to college in late August is important to her and her doing so is a communal goal for her, for us and for her treatment team. That said, the only way she is going to leave home for college is to be fully healthy and to have a treatment plan in place in Flagstaff.

Weight restore in the next few weeks, demonstrate an ability to maintain weight, and work toward making solid choices about eating and exercise independently--that's my definition of healthy. Then we need to find a therapist in Flagstaff as well as well as communicate with the student health center for weekly weigh-ins. All of the above is Plan A.

You know me though, and I would never just have a Plan A. Plan B, if the pieces of Plan A are not all in place, is a deferral for a semester or even a year. I would not consider this a failure in any way, just a responsible way to ensure SB has the positive college experience she wants.

I am always about the endgame. The endgame is for SB to be a happy, healthy successful adult able to negotiate life's challenge positively. Whether or not that happens on an arbitrary timeline is not a priority for me.

Thanks for asking and for your input, MidLyfeMama.

 

 

White Privilege Means Not Having to Worry about Someone Shooting your Son for WWB*

There is a common misconception that eating disorders are the providence of upper middle-class white girls. Do you know why that is?

 

Because the sad truth is that, by and large, upper middle-class white girls are the ones that get treatment.

 

Yes, white privilege (and socioeconomic) privilege is alive and well in America.

 

White privilege is in the forefront of my mind as I agonize over the horrifying death of Trayvon Martin. If you want to hear an excellent recap of the incident, this audio recording from Blacking It Up is really worth listening to. It's long, but I listened to it while commuting.

Thanks to Christina for linking it on her Facebook page; she also has a great post up on her blog.

I've written about this before, but whenever another mother suggests to me that we live in a post-racial America or that racism doesn't exist, I always ask, "What did you teach your son to do when being pulled over by the police?"

Like me, most mothers tell their sons to be polite and cooperate with the police officer. We also presume that if they are pulled over it will be due to them violating some law. I've not met a suburban, white mother yet who truly fears that her son will be shot by the police during a routine traffic stop.

I've yet to meet a black mother who doesn't have an entirely different set of edicts for a son who is pulled over by the police. Black boys are taught never to reach for their wallet or registration until the officer is already at the window and has full view of their hands. They must ask permission for every move they make or risk being killed--and even then, it could still happen.

Don't even think about asking, "What have I done, officer?" if you are a young black man. Being beyond polite is a matter of life and death.

What was Trayvon's mother supposed to tell him, though? "Son, don't walk down the street of your own neighborhood, ever. And if you do have to walk down the street and a crazed man starts stalking you, don't run away. You're better off to take your chances with possibly getting beaten or killed by a criminal then you are to run and be shot and killed for sure."

I sure hope nobody says "post-racial America" to me anytime soon. They might just be taking their life in their hands.

 

 

*Walking while black.

 

 

 

Eating Disorder Chronicles: Eating with an Anorexic

A meal with an anorexic is likely not a pleasant experience for either you or the anorexic. They are terrified  of food. After a few days, I'm picking up the lingo. There are "safe" foods. There are "challenge" or "fear" foods. In the program, an anorexic that doesn't clean his/her plate has to Boost, which is to drink an Ensure-like supplement. Boosting regularly will get you a higher level of care.

Social Butterfly's program is 9-3 six days a week, except for Wednesday which is also family therapy from 3-4:30. SB will also see an individual therapist once a week and will be followed by a psychiatrist. They also have a schoolteacher.

Back to my beginning: A meal with an anorexic is likely not a pleasant experience for either you or the anorexic. They are terrified  of food. I am lucky, SB is doing so well in the program eating a variety of foods that I am able to stick with the safer foods. I have left the potato chips and doughnuts to the professionals and I've stuck to a lot of chicken and brown rice, beans, corn tortillas and avocado. She has always loved avocados and they are a healthy source of the fat she needs in her diet. She doesn't love avocados anymore, but she is eating them.

The terror.

Imagine how you would feel if a spider was right in front of you and you couldn't away from it. Really picture what it would look like, what it would feel like (stomach churning?) and how your heart would pound. Imgagine the anxiety building and building unabated until it was terror.

That (from what I can see) is what an anorexic feels like about their food. Treatment means confronting this five to six times a day with three meals and two or more snacks. And the calories! In order to gain weight anorexics need to eat more calories than it would take you or I to gain the same amount of weight, so it's a lot of food. When they say they are stuffed, they are right. I am putting on weight just from eating with her! The nutritionist says that's common.

But we do it, she and I, every day we confront the terror--and guess what? She is getting better already. While the beginning of the week the meals required cajoling, negotiating and threatening--as well as a preternatural calm that is not my default setting--on my end, the last two nights have been pleasant. She's not thrilled to eat the food, but she doesn't have a choice--not if she wants to get better, and she does want to get better.

We have had a great first week, with progress made already. I had not even realized how much her "light" had dimmed until she laughed with abandon tonight and I realize I haven't heard that in too long.

Also? I learned a cool thing in Dialectical Behavior Therapy--it's called "Wise Mind" and I think I'll post about it tomorrow.

 

The Blink of an Eye

It came out of nowhere. It happened in the blink of an eye. I never saw it coming.

Cliches all.

All true.

All things I've thought or said in regard to recent events involving Social Butterfly.

A month ago, in Flagstaff, SB had a Subway sandwich for dinner Friday night and at lunch on Saturday she had a few of the sweet potato fries I'd ordered for the table. Yesterday, when it was suggested she needed to drink Gatorade to combat the recent dehydration that led to her fainting twice and being rehydrated in the E.R. this past Sunday, she cried. And said no.

On Saturday she begins a day treatment program at UCSD Eating Disorders Clinic. SB has given me permission to share our story on this blog; maybe it will help someone else. Over the next few posts I will share more. There's just too much for one post.

I want to start with this though--if, like me, everything you know about eating disorders you learned from a Lifetime TV movie or an ABC Afterschool Special, then you know nothing.

I also want to begin this story by counting my blessings.

• I am grateful that we recognized what was happening early--she will be in treatment just a month after the disorder took hold.
• I am grateful for a pediatrician who is sensible, warm and informed.
• I am grateful for an eating disorder clinic in my own backyard that is so well-respected people come from all over the United States for treatment.
• I am grateful that the probably outcome for patients who receive early intervention is a full and complete recovery without relapse.
• I am grateful that on January 17, 2012 the UCSD Eating Disorder clinic finished negotiating a contract with our insurance provider, Aetna, that makes them in-network and means our copay is $25 per day.
• I am grateful for an employer who said, "Do what you need to do" when I let them know what was happening with my daughter.
• I am grateful to my daughter's employer who agreed to accomodate her schedule even though she hasn't even started working for them yet (Saturday afternoon is her first shift).
• I am grateful that my husband, my daughter and I are all on the same team.
• I am especially grateful for the text from Danger Boy (home on spring break) that suggested I buy some bagel bites to pique her interest in eating. Not going to work, but it was a sweet thought!
• I am grateful that I have a blog friend that knows me and my family so well through this blog that she was moved to point out that all the recent photos of SB's gorgeous baked goods might be a sign of an eating disorder. They are.
• I am grateful that at 5'10 and 122 lbs. SB is thin, on the verge of dangerously so, but is not yet, and will not become, anorexic.*
• I am grateful that we have plenty of time before SB leaves for college in August to ensure that she is healthy when she begins that adventure.

*Somebody rightly asked me to clarify what that means--while she has an eating disorder she does not meet the clinical definition of being an anorexic because of her BMI and that she has not ceased menstruating.

 

 

Unbloggable Exposed: The Wait-and-See

I had an interaction with a co-worker yesterday that seemed to go fine at the time, but boy-howdy did I read that wrong.

Part of the conversation was me trying to place a student for the co-worker. I started with "male." Nothing. I added "tall." Nothing. I added "thinning hair." Still nothing. I added "gay." Still nothing, so I figured it wasn't going to happen and we moved on to another topic.

It may be pertinent to this anecdote that this particular guy is openly-gay and we were talking about his desire to work at a pharmacy that specializes in H.I.V. meds; a perfect niche for him as he is also openly H.I.V. positive. Also? I adore him and I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm swell as well.

Later in the day I was the recipient of an email severely chastising me for speaking about a student in a disrespectful and derogatory fashion. I was very upset for a variety of reasons. One: that someone would think I was anti-gay. Two: the email went to several people. Three: that I was an idiot for having been so tone-deaf that I didn't realize that there are people that might consider the descriptor "gay" to be deragotory.

The outcome of this was that the co-worker and I discussed this incident with our supervisor and we both acknowledged our role in the brouhaha--me for not being more politically correct with someone I didn't know very well and who didn't know me, her for not stopping the conversation and expressing her concern.

It all ended on quite a high note and what had started out as a potentially bad day ended up as a great day.

It turns out PTA politics are not quite same as office politics. Live and learn!

 

 

Turnabout is Fair Play

I was watching The View the other day (I TiVo it and just watch Hot Topics) and Elisabeth Hasselback was up in arms because President Obama had suggested, at the National Prayer Breakfast, that Jesus would support raising taxes on the rich.

Elisabeth was FLABBERGASTED and OUTRAGED that the President would DARE to bring religion into the political realm.

This was the part where I stood in front of the TV in my bedroom, hairbrush in hand, screaming "Are you f****ing KIDDING me?!"

Luckily, I can always count on Joy Behar to be just as outraged as I am. She did not disappoint. For years I have been wondering when the Democrats were going to wise up and quit letting the Republicans have the corner on the God/Jesus angle. In addition, I pretty much agree with him. "For me as a Christian, it also coincides with Jesus's teaching that for unto whom much is given, much shall be required," Obama said, quoting the Gospel of Luke.

If the above didn't have me riled enough, I was listening to NPR the morning after Rick Santorum won all the "beauty pageants" and other primary contests and they played the snippet where he promised that if elected he would "return your freedom to you."

This time I was alone in my car when I screamed "Are you f***ing kidding me?!

Why is it that his idea of freedom is predicated on denying freedoms to others? How does being anti-gay marriage and anti-choice promote freedom? It seems to me (and granted I am using logic and reason in my thought process, so that might be the problem) that the aforementioned are antithetical to freedom.

It's going to be a looooong election year, methinks.